Meltdown?

I've used the term, but I personally don't like it.  To me, it has the same connotation as that other much-used one: 'kicking-off'.

At the autistic trust where I'm going to work, they just use the term 'special incident'.  It sounds a bit PC - but a special incident is really what it is. 

I suppose the closest I've come to it is either when I've gotten into such a huge rage about something that I simply can't do anything but walk around in a circle shouting (and often swearing).  This has happened on a few occasions where emotions have become very highly charged.  The rage just shoots up in my head, out of nowhere, and takes over.  I'm not and never have been physically violent towards anyone else - but I'll bang my fists or my head against the wall until it hurts - and that pain seems to work.

Another thing is a panic attack.  The last one of those I had was when I was working in a supermarket, doing my job properly and diligently as I always did, and a manager came along and told me to do it another way.  I didn't see the point of this - the way I was doing it worked well enough - and, in fact, was the best way to do the job.  He then insisted.  His way would have meant cutting corners, though.  I tried to remonstrate, explaining the rationale.  He then started shouting at me.  That was it.  I walked away, went into one of the produce chillers... and stood there for probably 10 minutes, just staring at the wall, before someone came in and spoke to me - bringing me out of it.

In both situations, I lose control to some extent.  I either shout the house down and hurt myself.  Or I freeze.  Either way, normal functioning is shut down temporarily.

hutt yourself :( 

Yes.  Not badly.  It's the only way, in those situations, that I can bring some sort of control back.  It's like the most extreme form of frustration, where nothing else works.  It mainly happens around certain family members - or rather, extended family members.  My brother is married to a narcissist, and her natural daughter is one.  It's why, since mum's passing, I don't really have anything to do with them any more.  I haven't seen my brother for three months now.  It's the best way.  His wife, in particular, has a way of saying things that raises the temperature.  I'm sure it's deliberate.  It's the way such people operate.

As for the panic - it usually comes when I'm getting told to do something differently when I know the way I'm doing it is right.  It harks back to that time in primary school, with the '3s' (I think I mentioned it before).  I knew I was right.  I was being told it was wrong.  Whereas it wasn't wrong - it just wasn't being done in quite the same way as the teacher wanted it.

Good ole Daisy!

My ex-partner (left me in Jan 2016 after 18 months of pure hell!) triggered some of the most extreme behaviour I've ever exhibited - including, to my shame, a shouting match in the street.  I've never behaved in such a shocking way before.  But I couldn't control it. She just had a way of crossing my wires.

My sister-in-law is the same.  Narcissists know how to work things to their advantage.  She's been on the scene for over 30 years.  She's changed my brother.  I hardly recognise him as the mate I had in my 20s.  He's in the middle - but his first loyalty has to be to her.  I told him, after the funeral, that I wanted to shut myself off and not have contact with anyone.  It was mainly directed at them.  I think he got the picture.  I was troubled by it, but the bereavement counsellor I saw told me I'd done the right thing.  I said it seemed a little unfair, because she'd been very supportive in recent months - even if she did take a bit too much control over the funeral.  'You and your brother are in a vulnerable place, and you both need a steady hand at the tiller' - that kind of thing.  Right, of course - but then she just takes over.  The counsellor said - 'You can't afford to have people like that in your life.  She's done you damage in the past, so you need to step away.'

I've felt a lot easier, I must say, now that I don't really have much to do with them.  Birthday cards and an occasional 'catch-up' text.  And now there's just me and the cat.  In that respect, things are right.

My ex-partner (left me in Jan 2016 after 18 months of pure hell!) triggered some of the most extreme behaviour I've ever exhibited - including, to my shame, a shouting match in the street.  I've never behaved in such a shocking way before.  But I couldn't control it. She just had a way of crossing my wires.

My sister-in-law is the same.  Narcissists know how to work things to their advantage.  She's been on the scene for over 30 years.  She's changed my brother.  I hardly recognise him as the mate I had in my 20s.  He's in the middle - but his first loyalty has to be to her.  I told him, after the funeral, that I wanted to shut myself off and not have contact with anyone.  It was mainly directed at them.  I think he got the picture.  I was troubled by it, but the bereavement counsellor I saw told me I'd done the right thing.  I said it seemed a little unfair, because she'd been very supportive in recent months - even if she did take a bit too much control over the funeral.  'You and your brother are in a vulnerable place, and you both need a steady hand at the tiller' - that kind of thing.  Right, of course - but then she just takes over.  The counsellor said - 'You can't afford to have people like that in your life.  She's done you damage in the past, so you need to step away.'

I've felt a lot easier, I must say, now that I don't really have much to do with them.  Birthday cards and an occasional 'catch-up' text.  And now there's just me and the cat.  In that respect, things are right.

Good ole Daisy!