Arguments

ando said:

I have got my own flat too 20mins down the road only had it for a few months

Which suggests there is even less need to bother your mother with your loud music. I imagine that your neighbours in the flats may have similar objections to being disturbed in their homes?

I have got my own flat too 20mins down the road only had it for a few months :)

An autistic parent is likely to end up with a reclusive and odd life and it sounds as though you have suffered from living in that environment. It won't be easy to unpick the consequences and ingrained behaviours and feeling that have accumulated as a result but it sounds as though you are up for it and you are looking for help which is not always an easy thing to do.

Autistic people often live with a very rule based existence. We are not good at going with the flow and working things out on the fly so her preference for rules is her way of doing things. If the rules get out of hand then that can lead to obessional behaviours but your idea of what a sensible set of rules is may well always be different to hers.

People with autism are often obstinate and difficult to deal with and the way to deal with that is to be unreasonably patient and positive. If you are critical and impatient then this will just antagonise her. This advice is normally appropriate for parents who are struggling with dealing with a difficult autistic child (we get a lot of that on this forum) but I think it should be applied to any relationship where a non-autistic person is trying to help an autistic person.

Ultimately you are likely, in the long term, to want a place of your own but I think that is some way off by the sound of it. In the mean time you do have an opportunity to make peace and try and work out how to be friends and enjoy each other. You actually have an opportunity to make choices and take control of some things by leading by example - perhaps your job now is to lead her gently out of the trap that she is in?

Nah i was very shy untill i was about 12 and started going to parties and around friends houses so you are right there recombinantsocks yeah it was basically me and my sister my younger sister at home all the time or atleast most of the time when we were younger after school.mum did teach us how to say please and thank you took us out for dinner the fair cinemas etc. you know we were tought how to be polite but i did find it hard to make friends specially as we were always moving about,nowadays i do find it hard to get along with mum but i am good at making friends and having a social life  i do want to get along but mum is always just going on about rules do this do that sort yourself out get help etc but before i continue errmm well lets remember she kicking me out,i just made the best out of having to sleep here and there from 15years old till recently i am nearly 20btw but that's it for the parent in this story (mum) we need to be friends have a laugh have fun together enjoy life to the fullest but  it seems she just wants to argue all the time or keep me away and it ent right it needs sorting is like her only fun after work is to have some sort of go at me lol she needs to get out there more and see that i was just trying to come back in but not on me own thanks.

Yeah sure, i think so too yeah i need to find a job and stuff catch up with this 6months that felt like a lifetime haha i don't know i guess i said the parent at first but now i can say mum well because i don't see it happening to anyone else it seems weird to me so is like oh yeah the parent and to protect my ando identity thing on the site lol,i just say we because *we were 2 people seeing eachother best friends like and then everything dissapeared  in the space of a day i say we in case my exfriends and someone i know sees it so that they know i did not abandon her and ran away or something and i made this conversation to put things right because i prommised her the girl that i am going to sort it out but i was on bale and not aloud to get close or say anything but now that the court allowed me back  and i am aloud to now  i can speak up and sort it hopefully find the right support on this forum and mum has agreed to attend any meeting that i ask her to come to so there is a start :L 

oh ando just stop this stupid thing you r stressing us out the parent just said to me </3

Hi Ando,

I'm pleased to hear that you score normally. There are all sorts of permutations and often people get caught in the cross fire or they get caught by unintended behaviour. It is not your parent's fault that she has autism. It may be a consequence of the autism that has lead you to have a chaotic life. There is no blame to be attached here, someone with autism basically cannot help being the way they are.

Trying to unravel what I can see from this situation then... I would agree with FlyingSolo's initial comments that I might paraphrase as "try and act as a responsible adult who can understand their rights and responsibilities in living in someone's house". I'll add a rider to that though in that given that you were brought up by someone with autism then they may not have been good at teaching you how to get on with other people. If they don't have good social skills then they may not be able to create a good environment in which you could pick up on how to get along.

The defensive mode that FS talks about is also a hallmark of someone who is clinically depressed. If you have autism then it can be very difficult to negotiate and get the world to be reasonable to you. In the example in this thread: It is actually utterly reasonable for your parent to ask that you don't play loud music when it doesn't agree with them. They will get very frustrated at the difficulty they have in explaining to you that this is reasonable. Having failed and got frustrated by their failure they may then become more depressed/angry/unreasonable. Ultimately you have no right or need (e.g. to play music) that is superior to her reasonable desire to have some peace and quiet in her own home.

The main thing that someone with autism needs is that people need to be extra considerate because someone with autism needs extra space and is often to explain themselves well. Be nice to each other and I think you will see that you can undermine the chaos day by day.

I got 15 on that test i think i would of been happier with 17 lol but it seems that i got average low score out of 50 so i am ok i think,thank you and i don't know i am sure i can find someone somewhere to help us lot out and just get it sorted and be happy like a family should be,thanks everyone for the help :) 

Ok well thanks i will now show this to her boyfriend and my sister and try to find a way to  go around this so that is not chaotic and so xtreme as it gets sometimes because yeah i have been homeless and i hear that everyone in the family got affected too but i was the one sleeping rough and the one that went trough it like i would never do that to my kids when i have them that is just evil in my opinion i do love her the parent but it is time for her and us too to adress some issues and get help and support from us lot maybe that will make her get less stressed and angry  causing damage to us because i am a drinker and if we don't sort this out i will end up just drinking 

ando said:

I am not no,

The more you describe about yourself, your life and your thinking makes me think that you are very likely to be on the spectrum (i.e. same as me). Autism runs in families and if you have a parent with a diagnosis then there is a distinct possibility that you are affected too. If you have been homeless then this is another factor that suggests the possibility. Autistic families often have chaotic, disorderly and fractious lives until and unless the family members get to grips with understanding what it means and how it makes people behave.

I think you might find it interesting to take this free online test aspergerstest.net/.../ I score 42 on this and I also have a full diagnosis.

I could do yeah we agreed for me to use headphones after 10pm but another problem that bothers me is that she the parent says that my room is not my room but just a room and i say to her that that's not the truth the truth is that that room is my room but she says is not because she pays for it but at the end of the day there is 3 bedrooms in the house and she hasn't got the right to use that autority to pretend that the room is not mine when it is i think that is an issue because she does intrude in my personal space like you said and does not respect that it is my room and is wrong for her to come in the way she does with that behaviour wich does actually scare the girl well woman that hangs around with me luckily though even though she kicled me out before christmas and took me to court because of a lie luckily the judge saw that and allowed me to be able to come back to this house and gave me a fine of £50 for court arrears but nothing came out of her the parent taking me to court appart from keeping us appart i am just happy to be able to be back here hopefully everything will get back to the way it was i just think the parent has to somehow back off abit because i feel she bullys me and is trying to controll my life that i made myself,she says she doesn't but i tell her that the way she talks to me  is controlling behaviour and somehow it is bullying but i don't think she understands that i don't think she can because her answer to this is that she can't make me  feel anything i feel that myself, my answer to that is well ofcourse you can make me us feel we  feel well felt hurt and offended as thanks to all this i've been away for the last 6 months,rejected and like there is not point because the way she comes across makes me intimidated and like i can't even watch netflix and chill. 

I am not no, that is a genuine need that the parent has but  so is my desire to play music because that's the way we do things around the county And i have been homeless and the women i was with moved away too and i had to sleep rough and be with strangers for 6 months you know is dangerous that and having to go trough all that getting trown out in the streets 3days before christmas  just thinking that our parent there is ruthless and does not care about me or my feelings at all and stuff to then find out that she actually doesn't because of a genuine condition just makes it harder for me because i am the one that's trying to grow up here the parent has already had her childs i just feel like i am going to be in the same position in 10 years time begging my mother to be nice and welcome someone into the family or atleast show respect towards me trying to be with a someone special to me instead of me having sex with randomers for ever and not having a kid because we the teens are the ones growing up here and the way the parent makes things happen just leaves me alone and that's not good i am going be the 30 something lad still drinking and stuff if someone doesn't listen to my fact 

Why is it fair on your parent for you to impose your music on them? Your parent needs peace and quiet and you don't need to destroy that.

You have to be able to balance your needs against everybody elses needs. Your need is not more important than their need.

Autistic people struggle to understand other people's points of view and it seems to me that you are completely failing to understand that your parent's rights are just as important as your own. You state that your parent has a diagnosis but I'm kind of assuming that you are on the spectrum too?

What do you think is the difference between a genuine need and a thing that you find nice and agreeable?