Family of aspies? Exhaustion looms..

Hello,

I'm new to the forum, and i'm trawling the internet for guidance and direction to help me to help my family.

My 11 yr old son is going through the diagnosis process at the moment, and has all sorts of emotional problems.  He's been perscribed sleeping tablets and antidepresants and gets regular counselling.

At extremes he's suicidal, halucinating, violent and abusive. Most of the time he isolates himself to avoid interation, and the interaction we do get is very abrupt, and easily becomes hostile.  On good days, he's amazing, caring, and entertaining albeit very intense.

My wife and I struggle to balance his need for freedom, with his safety and teaching him discipline.  We try to discipline and teach him to do chores - but the hostility will quickly make it impossible and we have to do all we can to avoid a destructive meltdown.

My wife and son clash a lot as they have similar personalities.  It's one of the reasons we didn't pick up on the ASD traits earlier - we put his quirkyness down to being quirky like mum.   We're beginning to realise, that mum's quirkiness, health and sensory issues are in fact ASD traits.  It was a moment of clarity - and suddenly we understood events in her life and her family - and the "mess" began to make sense.

I regularly find myself being the referee, intervening in a quickly escalating conversation that's gone sour - having to explain to each separately how something they said or understood was taken either in the wrong context or wrong tone of voice, or was inappropriate or how it may have been interpretted differently.

Most of the time it works - but the times that it doesn't are so exhausting - trying to keep them apart to stop them bouncing off each other.  Trying to help them to learn or understand how their interpretation of a situation may be unfair to the other or not the only interpretation is so difficult sometimes....  What I find most difficult though is that I know it will happen all over again the following day...

Whilst i've learned that being blunt and to the point is often the best way of helping them to understand, along with visual examples, the delivery in a non accusational and supportive way is also critical...  Sometimes I just don't have the energy to resolve a situation and will leave things unsaid

Has anyone else got experience of a partner and child both with aspergers, and if so - any hints or tips on surviving it when they bounce off each other?   Occasionally I burn out and they will both stop and come to my aid... I know thats not right though and whilst I can cope now - I worry how things will progress over time.