Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi community
I am really very cross this evening. Today I was in a coffee shop and I overheard two women chatting away (don't worry, I wasn't eavesdropping on purpose!) and one of them made a comment about "all men being on the spectrum" - the other woman clearly thought this was really funny and I was just burning. I almost wanted to go over to them and "educate" them. It brought back memories of times when I have heard this said - or should I say, have had this said to me - by other women before. One was my drama teacher, who when we were doing our version of "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time" for our exam (and, particularly as our teachers knew about my diagnosis, I found this difficult in itself, because I think "Curious Incident..." paints a cliched portrait of autism which some neurotypical people with no knowledge of autism appear to believe, but anyway) said, very breezily, as if she didn't really care, "(Autism is) just the way you're wired. All men are on the autistic spectrum." Taken aback, I remember trying to protest, and she cut me off and laughingly said, "Of course they are, and don't tell me they're not!" More unforgivably, I was once having a really tough day and had a bit of a cry to the school's lead ASC learning support assistant, and I mentioned how angry it makes me when people are dismissive of the struggles we have as autistic people, and claim that "everyone's on the spectrum somewhere" and the like and she said, "No, not everyone's on the spectrum...just all men are!" And I was choked with injustice and anger. Sorry if that sounds like overreacting, but that is how angry and upset it makes me when this is said.
It makes me so very cross, not just because it is an ignorant, stupid, derogatory (and using autism as the mocking, derogatory term which is totally and completely unacceptable and just makes any autistic person listening feel rubbish), sexist and UNTRUE thing to say, but also because I'm a young, autistic (Aspie) woman, I very strongly identify as female, and when this sort of comment is made, it's like an attack on my femininity: I feel excluded from the "girliness". That is, even more excluded than I usually feel because I feel excluded from the "girliness" and general life all the time. I can usually express how I feel through speaking, and even more so through writing, quite effectively but this gets me so wound up I actually find it quite hard to put into words; how unhappy I am that myths like this are being perpetuated. What also irritates me is the people I mentioned who have made this comment directly to me actually knew about my diagnosis, one of whom had just been listening to me talk about my struggles relating to said diagnosis, so I don't see how they don't see that I might find that hard to hear, and that I might feel they are laughing at me, or using the condition I have to live with every day as a cheap, unneccessary quip at men.
Now, I get that they don't intentionally mean to seriously offend me, or men, or anyone else really. I get that they might just be trying to diffuse the situation because I've made them uncomfortable somehow, as my intensity seems to make everyone uncomfortable, and the kneejerk reaction is just to say something they see as lighthearted, I don't know. But I'm just wondering if other people have experienced comments like these, and how they feel about them?
Happy Friday!
Livvy x
Careless comments about all men being on the spectrum, Showing a perfect way of discussion. You have to read it and know some new pattern which are better and unique to encourage someone for discussion and [link removed by Moderator] for such talking is meaning and useful for everyone.
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Hi Livvy,
Totally get what you're saying. It irritates me so much when I talk just a little about my Aspergers and I've gotten a reply like I think everyone's a little bit autistic or everyone's on the spectrum somewhere. The best one was when someone was talking about someone they knew and who he said has Aspergers and said how weird he was, and then I turned around and said I have Aspergers, and he wasn't even apologetic, but I think that's just the way they are, I don't pay that much attention to it tbh, however much you try to tell them or educate them they'll never understand our struggles, its not worth wasting your energy on in my opinion. Just live your life for you!
SPAM
Hi Livvy
I'm a 55 year old female, who only found out about aspergers recently.
I identify with what you say about being a female aspie and knowing you're definitely female, but not "girly". I do have some interest in fashion, as I've always had an interest in art and design, however I'm not interested in romantic novels and films, TV soaps, or many other things thought to be what women like. I can't discuss some TV Programmes I like with other women, such as Dr Who, Being Human, or Misfits, or movies like Ghosbusters, or books I read, which tend to be in the science fiction/fantasy/horror genres. Even my musical tastes were different to most girls as a teenager in the 1970s, preferring Pink Floyd and Queen to the "boy bands" of the time. Even now I prefer reading at home to going out with "the girls". (I only have one real female friend anyway!)
I've always disliked gender stereotyping, since I was stopped from joining in the boys' games of war at primary school (you can't be a soldier - you're a girl!) and joining woodwork classes at secondary school (a boys only class at my school in the early 1970s- girls did cooking and needlework)
It's absolute rubbish that all men are Autistic though. A male acquaintance of mine recently took the AQ test and scored 12. I never knew I was on the spectrum and I don't think anybody who's ever known me would have thought I was, but when I took the test I scored 41.
Hi Livvy! I can understand why you were cross. I am a 38 year old woman with Autism. I also feel cross at some people for being sexist, ignorant and unkind. As a woman I know I am expected to act a certain way by society and I know I don't always act the way I'm expected to. Throughout my life I have been told by different people that I am weird and rude, but these people don't understand that I am autistic which means I may act in a way that is seen as weird and rude, and I know that some people don't realise that females can be autistic too. People need to be aware about the fact that Autistic spectrum disorders affect females and that they may sometimes be better at hiding their difficulties than males by masking them and their autism may present differently to males
Best wishes
Dolly daydream
Hi Livvy again I know how you feel I'm 24 now and when I was 21 I was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome. Before I was diagnosed I had really bad depression and my gp was crap i told him I think have ADHD he turned around and told me don't be so stupid only children have ADHD and grow out of it. I knew he was wrong and well guess what I have ADHD a 24 year old woman and I have ADHD. People just need to be educated more on the subject which is what I do when i go around schools so remeber you are not alone. love Rachel xx