Could my husband have ASD or AS?

When faced with extra responsibilities we all have to ask ourselves 'can I do this, do I want to take this on, what are the consequences of doing so and of not doing so?' If an autistic person decides they can't take on the extra responsibilities then that decision is as valid as if a neurotypical person made it. We should never be coached to do the 'right' thing. Our decision making processes are different but equally important and valid.

He isnt coping with it very well, and tends to always say the wrong thing, when I have been upset or worried about it, he just talks about how it effects him, and how unfair it is.

This is predictable behaviour for someone with ASD. He is likely to put his foot in it from time to time but he can be told, and should understand, that this is upsetting for Alicia. Equally, Alicia can perhaps understand that it is not deliberate or ill intentioned and some allowance should be made for someone who has less capacity for spontaneous empathy than NT people. He won't learn these missing skills but he can rationally learn how it makes people feel.

Alicia says her disease means that she will be more physically dependent on him. Should a person with ASD avoid these responsibilities because they don't come naturally? Or, should they expect to make an extra effort to help look after the children and keep the family together?

But who decides 'what needs to be done next'? Why is the neurotypical take on things the one we must comply with? Why aren't our own authentic responses good enough?

electra said:

he is coping the way an autistic person could be expected to cope.

That is the way an autistic person might behave without prompting, if left to their own devices. An autistic person may not grasp intuitively what needs to be done next but we are not unable to reciprocate and provide support and backup when someone needs it. He may need a few extra nudges and help with organisation and he not behave in the normal way (whatever that means) and he may not spontaneously do what you want but that doesn't mean that he doesn't want to or thwt he isn't capable of practical help.

Hi

Is your partner keen to get a diagnosis?Some people are happy to self-diagnose and not go through a formal process.

Whilst being given a diagnosis of autism is almost always a great help and also a relief to the autistic person, it does not mean that the health service will provide any further assistance or support. I think it important to know that, because one of the reasons for going for a diagnosis may be to get support. One can be left to deal with a maelstrom of feelings and issues as a result of getting a diagnosis but be offered no help to resolve them or make sense of the new self-knowledge.

Since finding that I'm autistic I've stopped trying to be like neurotypical people and given myself permission to enjoy the things that make me happy. Typically autistic things! Thus getting a diagnosis could make your partner exhibit more autistic behaviour.

Its also worth knowing that a diagnosis involves being described by medical professionals in terms of deficits and disorders. Your partner's huge skills and abilities won't matter and aren't  assessed as part of a diagnosis.This is not good for one's self image or self respect and can take time to recover from.

This may be too forthright and I've no wish to offend, but is the issue driving this is the increasing dependance you are likely to have on your partner? Your post details how he isn't coping well with this, but from what you've written he is coping the way an autistic person could be expected to cope.

I'm sorry not to paint a rosy picture but a diagnosis of autism means that you know for certain you can never be the same as other people however hard you try and that you are profoundly but invisibly different. As other posters have said, knowing what and who you are is healing and powerful. It can also separate and divide you from the 99% who were born neurotypical.

Getting a diagnosis can help massively as it can provide insight and explanations about why someone with ASD has been in conflict with the world so often. I read Valerie Gaus' book "Living Well on the Spectrum" which provided me with the knowledge that you can live well with the condition. I got diagnosed after reading the book and it provided me with confirmation that I was affected but also it provided some hope that it wasn't a terrible thing to have.

Some people are however undermined by the diagnosis because it is a permanent, "unfixable" condition. Ther can be no guarantees about how an individual will take a diagnosis.

I have felt very liberated since the diagnosis and have felt more able to relax and to work to understand how to work with the grain, that I was born with, rather than trying to make myself into something different. It is an invisible condition so you will only get stigma from people that have been told about it - it is not well understood and there is no need to tell everyone about it but I have told colleagues and friends and haven't had any comeback.

It is confusing, as CC says, and it doesn't provide instant answers or a silver bullet. I am however totally 110% glad to know wtf was going on!

If he is affected by anxiety and depression then this is a very valid reason to go for a diagnosis. His GP should refer him to a specialist although this can be a bit of a lottery as some GPs may not have understand how you can be relatively successful but still fit the diagnostic criteria. I was suffering from depression and stress due to work issues but managed to make a coherent enough case to the GP to get a referral. It can help to write down a list of reasons a) why you need a diagnosis and b) why you think that he has the condition.

Hi Aliciakh. I agree with 'socks', it sounds very much like AS. Whilst I agree that we learn behaviours from our parents, I'd struggle to believe that anyone could learn enough to mimic ASD, it isn't just behaviours but the reason behind them!

I've been discussing this on the thread 'Awaiting Diagnosis' so I hope you've read it.

I can honestly say that for the period of time between the first suggestion to me of Autism, and getting the diagnosis, I was at the most confused I've ever been. Knowing there's something going on, but not knowing what - talk about nature abhors a vacuum!

I too had a diagnosis of Bipolar that stuck with me for years but I never agreed with. When my latest GP said that she agreed with me, I was dumbstruck. Wow, a GP who pays attention. I shall be forever grateful to her for her belief in me and the referal she made.

There's advice on here about getting a diagnosis. It seems that GPs, now that they have formal guidance on this, are becoming a little more accessible. There's another poster on here that got his GP referal only on Tuesday. He was most anxious (naturaly) about how it would go, but he went armed with a list of his traits, his GP asked a few questions, and that was that.

Don't obsess over it, but do a list of his behaviours between you, compare them to what is known, or ask us here, and make that GP appointment so that you can put it to them. The AQ test is an indicator, and ought to be enough, and it helps if you can give a few illustrative examples. Good luck.

Thats fab, thank you! Yes he suffers greatly with depression and anxiety and can see as he is getting older that he is finding it harder to manage, he has never had any diagnosis or help with it at all. I've been able to support him as best I can, and have made allowances and tried to help - I had just put it all down to him being a bit creative and emotional, but can see him really struggling in some new situations we've been in. I think it must be very scary and lonely for him, but I'm only human, I can only help sp much really - it has consumed our lives for a very long time, so kind of need some help now I think! Did being diagnosed help? I know there is not a cure, but did it help to know why? I wouldnt want him to feel different or odd in anyway, and the stigma I imagine is a hard one maybe.. i wouldnt change him at all, as it is who he is, but wish I knew how to help more, or for him to help himself. 

Yes, he does does sound as though he could have ASD. He appears to have childhood incidents and behaviours that would indicate some issue like ASD. His mother's bi-polar and OCD could actually be due to ASD. It is common for people to get diagnosed with bi-polar and other conditions when actually ASD might be a better explanation. ASD is often inherited so the family history supports diagnosis although it is possible for childhood experience to influence behaviour.

The GP should be the first place to start with diagnosis. He can ask for a referral to the local mental health specilaists who have the skills to make the diagnosis. Diagnosis won't be made for curiosity sake, there should be some real need e.g. his impact on his family or his own mental health. e.g. has he suffered from stress or depression? A score of 36 is strongly suggestive and the AQ50 test is respected by the specialists - he could use this as evidence to persuade the GP to refer.

Lots of us have been through this - I was diagnosed at age 56 and there are lots of people n the same boat as him.