Marriage problems ,husband has Aspergers

Hi, I have just joined this site as i need some advice my husband and 12 yr old son both have Aspergers, son medically diagnosed,  husband not........  i am really struggling to cope with hubbys lack of empathy ,lack of affection and use of hurtful words , he has no filter, and i am really unhappy and feelng very hurt by his comments, and lack of emotion , i understand i cant change this .....but i really want to talk to him about it ...... but feel i will get a negative response ...... any advice as to how i can approach this or word it , i am at the end of my tether and have even conssidered separating. ? , thanks in advance.

  • u poor thing so sorry 

  • My partner is Asperger’s he left me twice in the 6yrs we been together, we have son, house & pets he left us 8months ago but told me to wait he might be back he often goes hot & cold & snaps for no reason, blames a lot on me, I feel like he will come back but his words hurt me sometimes it kills like a knife to the heart, he says he don’t love me no more but he’s trying to build it back & he’s hurting at stuff he has done & said on the past he’s finding it hard to let go but if he comes back we’ve agreed to put the past behind us & start a fresh, he’s been planning days out etc if he comes back so I know he’s trying but somethings holding him back 

  • Sorry to hear that. Hope you and the kids are OK.

  • we have children-my oldest thinks yes aspie

    no he wont go to couples stuff -did solo on my encouragement but no aspie awareness  by him so think actually it has given him permission to leave marriage .Now his mind made up and no talking to him.

    He has decided and that is that.Tells me by text its "gone for him" (the spark)-seriously we have a life kids dogs,sparks -he was never mr gush so i am left confused

    he blames me for all  everyone is like poor him and yet he is cold and distant with me and now gone

  • The way I read this your husband may be autistic or may not. Some autistic people can be very affectionate, although often it is difficult to say what we're feeling. I presume there were things in this thread that you recognised.

    Do you have children? What do they make of it? What practical support have you got? Would you go for relationship counselling if he was up for it?

  • My husband has just left us  second time in 7 years (married 19 years relationship 25 years).I have only just realised aspergers present having gone to a psychologist  re my own unhappiness feeling of being tolerated unloved etc.I think i have been depressed and sad feeling un cherished .I ask husband  is everything ok-"dont ask you wont like the answer" ,comes back.He is right i am wrong.He does the dishwasher the correct  and only way .He wont let me cook for him  as not correct and then says i don't cook .I sit and cry he just watches saying nothing.I get no affection  and have reacted.This has caused conflict which he hates.I only now have the insight.My psychologist assumed from my description of him that i knew or that he was diagnosed.I had  thought earlier this year about ASD but then though nothing else...until she said, then it all made sense.His family have it going on, the odd behaviour all  in different ways but it all makes sense.Now i know i know.So finally i get it.His lack of response is not being quiet its not knowing what to say.The need for a special interest is to cope going to bed early is to power down .I raised  the AS issue with him at first he was like receptive but has since gone into denial and wants to ditch marriage.I wanted to work at it with my new found approach etc.I love him very much.He knows something is off.I have always fellt that i could not put my finger on his "secret",but now i know all.So now he is like blaming me for all and says its gone for him.(i have reacted to feeling constant rejection)I just wanted a sign of affection that he cared.He says i am loved -though cant say he loves me.He has said the cruelest things to me.I feel left for dead.I got a text saying he is done but will pay mortgage etc.No word of divorce but what option do i have?

  • Agree with the other posters but hope you aren't looking for a major change in his behaviour. You wouldn't try and get a blind or deaf person to see or hear and you won't get a person who is emotionally blind to suddenly become emotionally sighted.

    It can work, I have recently discovered that I have ASD and have kept a marriage going for 30 years. It needs give and take on both sides and also the will to make it work.

  • Agree with what Codger has said, but I'd also like to suggest a book.  It's 'Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most' by Stone, Patton and Heen. It might help you with discussing problems with him.

  • I'm no relationship expert, but I am an AS person. The things you describe sound 'normal' to me, which is why we have such trouble making relationships in the first place. Keeping one going in the face of things like you describe is almost impossible. As you say, you've had enough.

    It is a pity that your husband isn't diagnosed. While you don't tell us what his attitude is, if he is AS then getting a diagnosis could be more meaningful than you can imagine.

    I  think that it must be a great strain on you to sustain your relationship when you find it hurtful. I'm guessing there's an upside too, or you wouldn't be married to him, you wouldn't have stayed, and you wouldn't be asking on here for help and advice, so bless you for that. You must have some considerable strength inside you.

    We know how hurtful we can be, because we hear about it anyway, but we also sometimes see ourselves doing it and can't stop ourselves. I know this sounds a bit daft, but it's perfectly true, and after we have done something (and recognised that we've done it - we don't always) we pay a terrible price. We wouldn't pay that price if we didn't care.

    When we are aware that we've done such things, we are left in a very awkward place. We've watched ourselves say cruel and hurtful things, we've watched ourselves 'smash' something maybe, or throw things around, shouting, screaming pitch sometimes - it's a horrible place to be in and we can't prevent it, stop it or deal with it. For my part, now that I'm diagnosed and gaining a better understanding of myself, I'm getting a bit better at dealing with the triggers.

    After an episode, we are left feeling all sorts of things. Embarassed by our behaviour, mortified that we've hurt those close to us, ashamed that we are capable of doing it, and angry that we have this thing in us that takes over and does the most horrible things against our will. It's all a result of overload I think, and we are easily overloaded because of our sensory and processing problems, and our innability to communicate well or effectively. We are left inside ourselves to deal with something that I can't describe to you, but that often, we'll unfairly blame those closest to us for starting.

    Your husband might do well to talk on here, we are anonymous, understanding, non-judgemental and probably between us know him better than he knows himself, and we can help change that, but if he resists the idea that he is AS, or doesn't feel he needs a diagnosis, then nothing will change and there's nothing we can do. He has to want to deal with this, but he's probably terrified that you'll leave him so is backing away from dealing with it at all.

    So, it's entirely down to decisions that you must both make together. I can not only understand how you feel, I can also support your leaving. There is a point at which you can do no more, and you deserve some respite from what must be a sensitive domestic situation. I'd call it 'all is lost, save yourself' and when all else fails, it's your final answer I'm afraid. If your husband reads this, he will be very angry with me for saying so, but he'll also appreciate that I am being honest and truthful with you.

    However, I think that you want to stay with him but change your relationship, and that means getting your husband to see what you see, get him to 'understand' his own behaviour and be able to forgive himself for it, understand the effect on you, and find a way forwards together. Threatening to leave will work against you because of he thinks you're going to, he won't waste any effort trying to stop you.

    We're used to bad things happening, regard them as 'inevitable', and just hope to ride the storm. There's no point wasting energy trying to stop something that we know is going to happen. The result is that we wouldn't respond to emotional blackmail in the way you'd like - quite the opposite, you're most likely to get a 'go then if that's what you want' but of course, it isn't.

    If he has AS but is determined to ignore both it and the help and advice on offer, you may find that you have to make a very difficult choice. It isn't a question of whether or not he loves you, it's a question of how you feel inside yourself. If you feel you can find a way to carry on, there are plenty of people here to give you electronic 'hugs', but if you don't feel you can, you still have yourself and your son to consider.

    I hope I've given you something you can say to him. Can you encourage and support him to have the strength to come on here and talk about himself?  Promise, he'll be perfectly safe