Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I have just joined this site as i need some advice my husband and 12 yr old son both have Aspergers, son medically diagnosed, husband not........ i am really struggling to cope with hubbys lack of empathy ,lack of affection and use of hurtful words , he has no filter, and i am really unhappy and feelng very hurt by his comments, and lack of emotion , i understand i cant change this .....but i really want to talk to him about it ...... but feel i will get a negative response ...... any advice as to how i can approach this or word it , i am at the end of my tether and have even conssidered separating. ? , thanks in advance.
My husband has just left us second time in 7 years (married 19 years relationship 25 years).I have only just realised aspergers present having gone to a psychologist re my own unhappiness feeling of being tolerated unloved etc.I think i have been depressed and sad feeling un cherished .I ask husband is everything ok-"dont ask you wont like the answer" ,comes back.He is right i am wrong.He does the dishwasher the correct and only way .He wont let me cook for him as not correct and then says i don't cook .I sit and cry he just watches saying nothing.I get no affection and have reacted.This has caused conflict which he hates.I only now have the insight.My psychologist assumed from my description of him that i knew or that he was diagnosed.I had thought earlier this year about ASD but then though nothing else...until she said, then it all made sense.His family have it going on, the odd behaviour all in different ways but it all makes sense.Now i know i know.So finally i get it.His lack of response is not being quiet its not knowing what to say.The need for a special interest is to cope going to bed early is to power down .I raised the AS issue with him at first he was like receptive but has since gone into denial and wants to ditch marriage.I wanted to work at it with my new found approach etc.I love him very much.He knows something is off.I have always fellt that i could not put my finger on his "secret",but now i know all.So now he is like blaming me for all and says its gone for him.(i have reacted to feeling constant rejection)I just wanted a sign of affection that he cared.He says i am loved -though cant say he loves me.He has said the cruelest things to me.I feel left for dead.I got a text saying he is done but will pay mortgage etc.No word of divorce but what option do i have?
The way I read this your husband may be autistic or may not. Some autistic people can be very affectionate, although often it is difficult to say what we're feeling. I presume there were things in this thread that you recognised.
Do you have children? What do they make of it? What practical support have you got? Would you go for relationship counselling if he was up for it?
we have children-my oldest thinks yes aspie
no he wont go to couples stuff -did solo on my encouragement but no aspie awareness by him so think actually it has given him permission to leave marriage .Now his mind made up and no talking to him.
He has decided and that is that.Tells me by text its "gone for him" (the spark)-seriously we have a life kids dogs,sparks -he was never mr gush so i am left confused
he blames me for all everyone is like poor him and yet he is cold and distant with me and now gone
Sorry to hear that. Hope you and the kids are OK.