Marriage problems ,husband has Aspergers

I'm no relationship expert, but I am an AS person. The things you describe sound 'normal' to me, which is why we have such trouble making relationships in the first place. Keeping one going in the face of things like you describe is almost impossible. As you say, you've had enough.

It is a pity that your husband isn't diagnosed. While you don't tell us what his attitude is, if he is AS then getting a diagnosis could be more meaningful than you can imagine.

I  think that it must be a great strain on you to sustain your relationship when you find it hurtful. I'm guessing there's an upside too, or you wouldn't be married to him, you wouldn't have stayed, and you wouldn't be asking on here for help and advice, so bless you for that. You must have some considerable strength inside you.

We know how hurtful we can be, because we hear about it anyway, but we also sometimes see ourselves doing it and can't stop ourselves. I know this sounds a bit daft, but it's perfectly true, and after we have done something (and recognised that we've done it - we don't always) we pay a terrible price. We wouldn't pay that price if we didn't care.

When we are aware that we've done such things, we are left in a very awkward place. We've watched ourselves say cruel and hurtful things, we've watched ourselves 'smash' something maybe, or throw things around, shouting, screaming pitch sometimes - it's a horrible place to be in and we can't prevent it, stop it or deal with it. For my part, now that I'm diagnosed and gaining a better understanding of myself, I'm getting a bit better at dealing with the triggers.

After an episode, we are left feeling all sorts of things. Embarassed by our behaviour, mortified that we've hurt those close to us, ashamed that we are capable of doing it, and angry that we have this thing in us that takes over and does the most horrible things against our will. It's all a result of overload I think, and we are easily overloaded because of our sensory and processing problems, and our innability to communicate well or effectively. We are left inside ourselves to deal with something that I can't describe to you, but that often, we'll unfairly blame those closest to us for starting.

Your husband might do well to talk on here, we are anonymous, understanding, non-judgemental and probably between us know him better than he knows himself, and we can help change that, but if he resists the idea that he is AS, or doesn't feel he needs a diagnosis, then nothing will change and there's nothing we can do. He has to want to deal with this, but he's probably terrified that you'll leave him so is backing away from dealing with it at all.

So, it's entirely down to decisions that you must both make together. I can not only understand how you feel, I can also support your leaving. There is a point at which you can do no more, and you deserve some respite from what must be a sensitive domestic situation. I'd call it 'all is lost, save yourself' and when all else fails, it's your final answer I'm afraid. If your husband reads this, he will be very angry with me for saying so, but he'll also appreciate that I am being honest and truthful with you.

However, I think that you want to stay with him but change your relationship, and that means getting your husband to see what you see, get him to 'understand' his own behaviour and be able to forgive himself for it, understand the effect on you, and find a way forwards together. Threatening to leave will work against you because of he thinks you're going to, he won't waste any effort trying to stop you.

We're used to bad things happening, regard them as 'inevitable', and just hope to ride the storm. There's no point wasting energy trying to stop something that we know is going to happen. The result is that we wouldn't respond to emotional blackmail in the way you'd like - quite the opposite, you're most likely to get a 'go then if that's what you want' but of course, it isn't.

If he has AS but is determined to ignore both it and the help and advice on offer, you may find that you have to make a very difficult choice. It isn't a question of whether or not he loves you, it's a question of how you feel inside yourself. If you feel you can find a way to carry on, there are plenty of people here to give you electronic 'hugs', but if you don't feel you can, you still have yourself and your son to consider.

I hope I've given you something you can say to him. Can you encourage and support him to have the strength to come on here and talk about himself?  Promise, he'll be perfectly safe

I'm no relationship expert, but I am an AS person. The things you describe sound 'normal' to me, which is why we have such trouble making relationships in the first place. Keeping one going in the face of things like you describe is almost impossible. As you say, you've had enough.

It is a pity that your husband isn't diagnosed. While you don't tell us what his attitude is, if he is AS then getting a diagnosis could be more meaningful than you can imagine.

I  think that it must be a great strain on you to sustain your relationship when you find it hurtful. I'm guessing there's an upside too, or you wouldn't be married to him, you wouldn't have stayed, and you wouldn't be asking on here for help and advice, so bless you for that. You must have some considerable strength inside you.

We know how hurtful we can be, because we hear about it anyway, but we also sometimes see ourselves doing it and can't stop ourselves. I know this sounds a bit daft, but it's perfectly true, and after we have done something (and recognised that we've done it - we don't always) we pay a terrible price. We wouldn't pay that price if we didn't care.

When we are aware that we've done such things, we are left in a very awkward place. We've watched ourselves say cruel and hurtful things, we've watched ourselves 'smash' something maybe, or throw things around, shouting, screaming pitch sometimes - it's a horrible place to be in and we can't prevent it, stop it or deal with it. For my part, now that I'm diagnosed and gaining a better understanding of myself, I'm getting a bit better at dealing with the triggers.

After an episode, we are left feeling all sorts of things. Embarassed by our behaviour, mortified that we've hurt those close to us, ashamed that we are capable of doing it, and angry that we have this thing in us that takes over and does the most horrible things against our will. It's all a result of overload I think, and we are easily overloaded because of our sensory and processing problems, and our innability to communicate well or effectively. We are left inside ourselves to deal with something that I can't describe to you, but that often, we'll unfairly blame those closest to us for starting.

Your husband might do well to talk on here, we are anonymous, understanding, non-judgemental and probably between us know him better than he knows himself, and we can help change that, but if he resists the idea that he is AS, or doesn't feel he needs a diagnosis, then nothing will change and there's nothing we can do. He has to want to deal with this, but he's probably terrified that you'll leave him so is backing away from dealing with it at all.

So, it's entirely down to decisions that you must both make together. I can not only understand how you feel, I can also support your leaving. There is a point at which you can do no more, and you deserve some respite from what must be a sensitive domestic situation. I'd call it 'all is lost, save yourself' and when all else fails, it's your final answer I'm afraid. If your husband reads this, he will be very angry with me for saying so, but he'll also appreciate that I am being honest and truthful with you.

However, I think that you want to stay with him but change your relationship, and that means getting your husband to see what you see, get him to 'understand' his own behaviour and be able to forgive himself for it, understand the effect on you, and find a way forwards together. Threatening to leave will work against you because of he thinks you're going to, he won't waste any effort trying to stop you.

We're used to bad things happening, regard them as 'inevitable', and just hope to ride the storm. There's no point wasting energy trying to stop something that we know is going to happen. The result is that we wouldn't respond to emotional blackmail in the way you'd like - quite the opposite, you're most likely to get a 'go then if that's what you want' but of course, it isn't.

If he has AS but is determined to ignore both it and the help and advice on offer, you may find that you have to make a very difficult choice. It isn't a question of whether or not he loves you, it's a question of how you feel inside yourself. If you feel you can find a way to carry on, there are plenty of people here to give you electronic 'hugs', but if you don't feel you can, you still have yourself and your son to consider.

I hope I've given you something you can say to him. Can you encourage and support him to have the strength to come on here and talk about himself?  Promise, he'll be perfectly safe