Can someone help me understand?

Coogybear said:

Post diagnosis, I had a real revelation about my life and about why I struggled so much in so many different ways. I found it both liberating and cathartic to a certain extent.

As a result of a number of more recent events, I find myself questioning why I’m so keen to prove I can manage independently, when there are obvious indicators that I struggle.

What should I do with this Knowledge of diagnosis?

Am I a success as an independent Aspie Adult or a failure?  I’m pretty sure I don’t get things wrong all the time, but does make me a Success?

Should I be asking others for help with my life or should I carry on as I always have?

I value my independence, but as the realization dawns that there are some major issues to my independent living, I have to question. How do other independent Aspies live?

Do they have enablers in their life?

Are they reliant on others for assistance in the realms they find difficult?

Or do they relinquish all responsibility to others?

Am I expecting too much of myself and my children to consider holding down a job or wanting to contribute to society? Surely it’s important to have a purpose?

As the roller coaster of life rolls on, I feel I have more questions than answers!

Feeling really lost just now and somewhat like a rabbit in the headlights.

I’ve spent most of my life caring for others, yet I can barely care for myself…………

Hi, Coogybear. I really feel for you, and I want to try to give you some advice. If you have been managing to live independently, work, and care for children, I would strongly suggest that you continue to do so.

I'm a female aspie and I also have Borderline Personality Disorder and severe depression and anxiety. (I too was diagnosed with ASD as an adult, having previously been considered "just" personality disordered and ?schizophrenic. I started receiving psychiatric outpatient treatment and medication when I was just 11 years old. I've also had spells as an in-patient.

As a child / teenager, I cried if I was separated from my parents for even one night. However, I had two serious love affairs in my late teens / start of my twenties, and I was happily able to stay / holiday with these men without missing my parents. In effect, they had fillled the gap with the love I had for them. I was also able to cope fine without my parents when I was in psychiatric hospital, since I was being "cared for". I also managed to hold down a job, since I worked in the same office as my Mum.

After a very long stay in psychiatric hospital when I was 21 (my two great loves being in the past)  - it occurred to me that I couldn't live with my parents "for ever". I therefore resolved to marry the first man who would have me. I married in haste at 22, but (because I didn't really love this man) - I missed my parents badly, even though they lived nearby. My mental and physical health deteriorated and I was off work a lot. I spent my time curled up in the foetal position on the carpet. My husband couldn't cope, and packed me off to stay with my parents whenever this happened. I would "get better" after a few weeks, return home to my husband, and then the whole cycle would start again.

I divorced and went back to live with my parents when I was 27. However, I'd become convinced tht I "had to have a man in my life". I therefore remarried quickly, again to a man whom I did not love. Exactly the same thing happened as in my first marriage, although I did manage to have a child. My Dad died, but somehow I coped. We all(husband and son, together with my Mum) - moved to a different area altogether. My husband soon left and returned to our previous home city, London.

I had given up my old job on the move, of course, and wasn't able to hold down any subsequent job I tried. I carried on the same old pattern and found another husband (whom I didn't love) ASAP. I am still with him, but am desperately unhappy. He too is aspie, and my son has autism, ADD and Separation Anxiety Disorder. I still cry for my Mum, and she has to come round to "look after me" at times, even though she is 93.

I currently have a psychiatrist, as I'm on antidepressants and anti-psychotics to try to stabilise my mood. I also have a Support Worker from the organisation Autism Initiatives (www.autisminitiatives.org/). She visits me twice a week and provides emotional and practical support. Plus, I attend our local Autism Initiatives weekly social group and "coffee club" for aspie adults. I don't have any friends at all.

I am comletely unable to stay on my own, even for one night. Most of the time I barely cope even with having my husband and son with me. I feel unsafe, panicky, isolated and uncared for. Since there are no residential care facilities for "independent" autistic adults with a family, my way of coping when things get impossible has been to pay and go into a private residential ("old-people's") home for a few weeks, where I am "looked after".

I don't intend to repeat the pattern and marry a 4th time). I'm desperate to love passionately again, and to be loved, but I've never had the strength to hold out for that special someone, and I still don't. So, if I ever find myself alone, my plan is to go into residential care permanently. Professionals tell me that this is "a waste of my life", and that I'm "stronger than I think", but it doesn't feel that way; I'm always teetering on the edge of desperation. My only coping strategy is a negative one: alcohol abuse, and I feel that nothing will ever change, or at least not for the better.

I'm sorry if this has been a load of unhelpful wibble; I don't know that much about your situation, but I've gone into detail in case some of it resonates with you.

I hope you can see why I started by saying that if you've been managing to cope - however difficult it may be - that you continue to do so and don't give in. Once you start to give in, the whole thing unravels, and it's a downward spiral.

Now, having said that, by no means am I suggesting that you just "carry on struggling as you have been and are now". You obviously need help to ensure that you can continue to cope. I don't know if you're being helped by any professionals at the moment, such as psychiatrists or psychologists? Whether you are or not, please try to find about specific services for ASD adults in your area. I've given a link to Autism Initiatives in this message, although they don't provide services all over the UK. The NAS should also be able to point you in the right direction and / or your local council's Social Services department will have information about the relevant Autism service provider(s) where you live.

Please be kind to yourself. You say you've spent your life caring for others, but you need some care too, to enable you to continue doing this and to keep on with your independent life. It's never wrong to admit that you need some help.

Coogybear said:

Post diagnosis, I had a real revelation about my life and about why I struggled so much in so many different ways. I found it both liberating and cathartic to a certain extent.

As a result of a number of more recent events, I find myself questioning why I’m so keen to prove I can manage independently, when there are obvious indicators that I struggle.

What should I do with this Knowledge of diagnosis?

Am I a success as an independent Aspie Adult or a failure?  I’m pretty sure I don’t get things wrong all the time, but does make me a Success?

Should I be asking others for help with my life or should I carry on as I always have?

I value my independence, but as the realization dawns that there are some major issues to my independent living, I have to question. How do other independent Aspies live?

Do they have enablers in their life?

Are they reliant on others for assistance in the realms they find difficult?

Or do they relinquish all responsibility to others?

Am I expecting too much of myself and my children to consider holding down a job or wanting to contribute to society? Surely it’s important to have a purpose?

As the roller coaster of life rolls on, I feel I have more questions than answers!

Feeling really lost just now and somewhat like a rabbit in the headlights.

I’ve spent most of my life caring for others, yet I can barely care for myself…………

Hi, Coogybear. I really feel for you, and I want to try to give you some advice. If you have been managing to live independently, work, and care for children, I would strongly suggest that you continue to do so.

I'm a female aspie and I also have Borderline Personality Disorder and severe depression and anxiety. (I too was diagnosed with ASD as an adult, having previously been considered "just" personality disordered and ?schizophrenic. I started receiving psychiatric outpatient treatment and medication when I was just 11 years old. I've also had spells as an in-patient.

As a child / teenager, I cried if I was separated from my parents for even one night. However, I had two serious love affairs in my late teens / start of my twenties, and I was happily able to stay / holiday with these men without missing my parents. In effect, they had fillled the gap with the love I had for them. I was also able to cope fine without my parents when I was in psychiatric hospital, since I was being "cared for". I also managed to hold down a job, since I worked in the same office as my Mum.

After a very long stay in psychiatric hospital when I was 21 (my two great loves being in the past)  - it occurred to me that I couldn't live with my parents "for ever". I therefore resolved to marry the first man who would have me. I married in haste at 22, but (because I didn't really love this man) - I missed my parents badly, even though they lived nearby. My mental and physical health deteriorated and I was off work a lot. I spent my time curled up in the foetal position on the carpet. My husband couldn't cope, and packed me off to stay with my parents whenever this happened. I would "get better" after a few weeks, return home to my husband, and then the whole cycle would start again.

I divorced and went back to live with my parents when I was 27. However, I'd become convinced tht I "had to have a man in my life". I therefore remarried quickly, again to a man whom I did not love. Exactly the same thing happened as in my first marriage, although I did manage to have a child. My Dad died, but somehow I coped. We all(husband and son, together with my Mum) - moved to a different area altogether. My husband soon left and returned to our previous home city, London.

I had given up my old job on the move, of course, and wasn't able to hold down any subsequent job I tried. I carried on the same old pattern and found another husband (whom I didn't love) ASAP. I am still with him, but am desperately unhappy. He too is aspie, and my son has autism, ADD and Separation Anxiety Disorder. I still cry for my Mum, and she has to come round to "look after me" at times, even though she is 93.

I currently have a psychiatrist, as I'm on antidepressants and anti-psychotics to try to stabilise my mood. I also have a Support Worker from the organisation Autism Initiatives (www.autisminitiatives.org/). She visits me twice a week and provides emotional and practical support. Plus, I attend our local Autism Initiatives weekly social group and "coffee club" for aspie adults. I don't have any friends at all.

I am comletely unable to stay on my own, even for one night. Most of the time I barely cope even with having my husband and son with me. I feel unsafe, panicky, isolated and uncared for. Since there are no residential care facilities for "independent" autistic adults with a family, my way of coping when things get impossible has been to pay and go into a private residential ("old-people's") home for a few weeks, where I am "looked after".

I don't intend to repeat the pattern and marry a 4th time). I'm desperate to love passionately again, and to be loved, but I've never had the strength to hold out for that special someone, and I still don't. So, if I ever find myself alone, my plan is to go into residential care permanently. Professionals tell me that this is "a waste of my life", and that I'm "stronger than I think", but it doesn't feel that way; I'm always teetering on the edge of desperation. My only coping strategy is a negative one: alcohol abuse, and I feel that nothing will ever change, or at least not for the better.

I'm sorry if this has been a load of unhelpful wibble; I don't know that much about your situation, but I've gone into detail in case some of it resonates with you.

I hope you can see why I started by saying that if you've been managing to cope - however difficult it may be - that you continue to do so and don't give in. Once you start to give in, the whole thing unravels, and it's a downward spiral.

Now, having said that, by no means am I suggesting that you just "carry on struggling as you have been and are now". You obviously need help to ensure that you can continue to cope. I don't know if you're being helped by any professionals at the moment, such as psychiatrists or psychologists? Whether you are or not, please try to find about specific services for ASD adults in your area. I've given a link to Autism Initiatives in this message, although they don't provide services all over the UK. The NAS should also be able to point you in the right direction and / or your local council's Social Services department will have information about the relevant Autism service provider(s) where you live.

Please be kind to yourself. You say you've spent your life caring for others, but you need some care too, to enable you to continue doing this and to keep on with your independent life. It's never wrong to admit that you need some help.