Woman rediscovering identity

How amazing to receive such supportive and helpful comments   Thank you.  After years of hearing such comments like 'everyone finds it difficult and has to put on a front' and 'just stop worrying and be yourself', and pushing myself to follow this advice it is so refreshing to understand why it is just so difficult and that I am not the only one. 

I am finding it tricky knowing what interaction I want to have as opposed to what I feel I ought to do- as I am so used to trying to fit in and not to stick out too much as shy and introverted which caused even more social exclusion in the past, particularly in work.  Now I try to communicate enough to come accross as somewhat sociable, although never end up fitting in but at least I can pretend to.  I would like to be myself (whatever this is) rather than trying to please.  I suppose by discovering more about myself this will hopefully happen eventually.  It is hard to trust others too, having been 'betrayed' so much in the past I have lost trust.

I am very lucky to have a fantastic partner who is helping me to become myself, who doesn't get upset/offended by my moods or irritations and who shares in my happiness and laughs/joins in when I dance around at home.

I used to express myself creatively but since there is no longer a need I have stopped doing this.  I would like to find new ways to explore my own individuality.  Morgana good luck to you too.  Marjorie 195 that's great that you have encountered so much understanding. 

Hi, I am undiagnosed too. I realised I was on the spectrum after comments from people I knew, led me to discover the work of Tania Marshal on the web. She specialises in aspergers in women.

I agree about the identity thing. I think constant rejection by people because of having poor social skills lead us to try and be all things to all people, in an attempt to fit in. I have more recently begun to remind myself that no one is liked by everyone any more than I like everyone I meet. I think people are more aware of autism now, and I think that many people I know, now realise that I have aspergers.

Since my retirement, I have encountered more tollerance and understanding from the people I know. This has helped me be myself more and worry a bit less about what other people think, but it is difficult to switch of from a lifetime of analysing every conversation. I think that if you relax, your true nature will shine through. Just spend time with those you get on with best and don't try too hard.

Hi Belles12345,

I'm a bit of a newcomer (I only made one post then forgot the forum was here), but I'm in a similar situation to you. Without a diagnosis, I've been trying to find my sense of identity for some time. There's surprisingly little written about the subject. 

What I'm personally trying to do is get to know myself better by working out what my natural behaviour is like, and my natural reaction to situations. I think that can tell you more about your own natural personality, rather than trying to identify with a stereotyped role like 'mother' or 'teacher'.

So if I feel nervous in a situation, or feel like I'm on my guard, I'll spend some time later thinking about the situation, and try to remember what I was thinking and how I felt.

Like today, I had a conversation with someone, which was difficult, because I had to work out when to make eye contact, and I had to keep trying to think of new things to talk about. When I thought about it later, I realised I had been looking at and thinking about the colour of her eyeshadow and her jacket all the time. That might not have been a good thing to talk about in the conversation, but it tells me I'm perceptive about colours, or interested in the use of colour. 

I don't see myself as a fashion designer or a makeup artist, but it did tell me a little bit about my own natural personality, and how I have creative tendencies.

I eventually hope I will find out enough about myself to form a kind of identity.

Does this help at all?