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Hi..newbie and need advice?

davmac

Hi , my name is david and I would like to know if you can help me? I have now been diagnosed as autistc  I have been working for a charity as an advisor. I spoke to my boss on Thursday night about something that I felt was important about one of our clients who I met outside of work, but I called her at home. She was very rude and when I got to work the next morning was called into the office. She told me that 'I had gone so far beyond the line that I didn't even know where the line was'. She knows about my condition and says that she totally gets me but that she is 'not my counsellor, friend or my mum....I am your boss!' . She told me that I was selfish and that when I have something that I feel is important I don't care about other people. This is not the case, when I have things in my head that I can't get rid of it is like a pressure cooker and I then explode, usually at the end of the day. She offered two options, either I could return my keys and leave or I could stay and work within her strict boundaries. I feel very upset and confused and don't know what to do? I don't want to go out anymore or speak to anyone in case I cross boundaries that I shouldn't be and upset someone? I have no support network or anyone to contact to address my concerns ...David Undecided

 


  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Hi,

    I'm reading "Dealing with the boss from hell" by Shaun Belding. When I got into it I found that it is mainly about how to behave at work rather than how to beat your boss in an adversarial way. The book also deals with identifying rogue bosses but most often they are just out of their depth and desperate to get the job done but have no clue about how to take an awkward employee and make them productive. I've struggled with dealing with managers over the years and am now just discovering what the rules of work are really all about. Aspies often have issues with bosses who just expect us to JFDI with their daft or ambiguous edicts. Learning what they expect seems like a useful thing to study.

  • I suspect your boss doesn't want to be the boss outside working hours. She doesn't want to take workdays home with her. She may have had friends round or a lover. She may have been watching her favourite TV show when you rang. She could have been having a row with her partner. She may have just cooked dinner, and now it is going cold and unpalatable while you go on about something she doesn't want to know.

    I wouldn't recommend the wine and dine option that has been suggested above. That only applies to people with whom you are socially involved, and clearly she wants you to work with her only in the workplace context.

    The autistic spectrum makes you worry a lot, and makes it hard to create boundaries. You probably have a strong urge to unburden onto others, in order to get reassurance and direction.

    However NTs don't like this. They expect you to resolve your issues and deliver the work as they require it. They want to deputise work to someone who handles and completes the task independently.

    Whatever other boundaries she may have specified, the clear one is that her life outside the workplace is sacrosanct, and if you see her in the street outside work, you just say hi, and don't mention work unless she asks, which she probably wont.

  • Though your boss says she 'gets you' she very clearly doesn't. her understanding of life as experienced by ASV people is probably very limited.

    I would find out your rights, I don't think she can just tell you to leave your keys and leave your job. Your boss is complaining that you have crossed boundaries but as your boss it is her job to make clear what these are. Don't take all the blame on yourself, she is at fault too.

  • Hi Joseph. I think taking a friend or a girlfriend for a meal when you've made a mistake is a good idea. And breakfast in bed would be good for a girlfriend.  But davmac's boss said 'I'm not your friend', which means she doesn't want to be his friend and thought he was being too friendly. So I think she would be offended if davmac asked her to go for a meal. And she wouldn't let him take her breakfast in bed.

     

  • Hello dave answer from someone with autism aspergers book a table some where nice wine and dinner her and take her breakfast in bed in the morning and say to her do you unstand now. Good luck

  • Thank you so much. It feels amazing that I can talk to people and they understand where I am coming from...never had that before. Thank you

  • Dont beat yourself up Bro you are far from alone.We just need to be around people that understand us. I agree with Atypical ask what the boundaries are and see if you can keep to them.My opinion is she should do more to help you and understand that we work in a different way.I dont think she should have spoke to you like that either but try not to take it to personal.

  • Thank you so much for your reply and the advice you gave. Guess I just have to keep on learning how to live with this and fit in.....but it's so hard!!!! lol 

  • I've had a few situations like this and it is soooo horrible!  I don't know if I can tell you the right advice, because I've been there and I've got it wrong too!

    Try not to beat yourself up. It may be that she's not willing to forgive, and then there's nothing you can do.

    Take note that she really doesn't like being disturbed at home.  LOL. (I don't answer my landline. My familly know to leave a message or call me on my mobile if it's an emergency).

    Ask her what her boundaries are on this, and think about whether you can keep to them. If not maybe you could suggest a compromise. Eg at night if you have a problem which is bugging you, could you write her an email?  (Then it would be her decision to answer or not). Or failing that write a letter which you can give her on arrival the next day?

    PS: I think if she really 'got' you she'd be trying to understand your actions and explain why she didn't like it. Not just telling you it isn't her job. A good boss should help the people they supervise to improve as much as they can. Yes, you can't expect her to be superwoman and spend all her time 'training' you, but she should try and work it out with you.