Help communicating with my boyfriend who has autism

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend and I met at work and we've been in a relationship for quite a while now; however, he's recently moved away and we're now trying it long-distance. It seemed to be going well, but I went to see him in London the other day and was quite hurt - he told me after I'd booked the tickets that he didn't finish work until 1am and I'd have to come meet him to get the keys to his flat. The next day, he wanted to spend us to spend time with his flatmates, which was fine, but we'd only seen each other for about half an hour, so I was a little bit hurt. When I told him that I was going to bed (at 3am), he then didn't come to bed until 7am and proceeded to get drunk in the kitchen with his flatmates. When I told him that I was upset/slightly angry at this all, he then broke down crying and told me about his autism.

Here is where the problem begins-
I love my boyfriend. He's genuinely one of the best people that I've ever met and I could go on for days about how it works, but that's not the point here. The thing is- I am completely okay with him having autism; it's just one of the things about him, and it's not something that could ever turn me away. Yes, I'll have to learn to communicate a bit better, but I want to do that.

I had to leave the next morning, and so the conversation was kind of left on a point. I texted him on the train, telling him that I still feel the same way, but we need to discuss this so that we can both be on the same page. He saw the message, but didn't reply. I texted him again in the evening asking him what he wanted to do. He said that he wouldn't have told me about his autism if he hadn't been drunk and that he felt raw/exposed so probably wouldn't be talking very much for the next few days/didn't want to discuss the topic. However, when he'd broken down the night before, he'd been very upset at the idea that he thought I was communicating that we might not be able to continue our relationship.

Please help me - I want to do what's right for both of us. The rest of the time, the relationship is perfect. I don't want to push him to talk about his autism, but at the same time, I don't want him to continue thinking that his autism is something to be ashamed of. It's a case of- if I give him space and don't talk to him, is he going to think that I don't care about him any longer because of this? But if I do talk to him, what if he's continuously reminded of that break down and I push him to breaking point?

outraged over 11 years ago

You should not be afraid to state your position unambiguously. If you want to spend time exclusively with your boyfriend, you should tell him so...the alternative being that you only hint, he misses it, you resent his failure to prioritise yourself, he (possibly) becomes peripherally aware of the tention without knowing why and the relationship deteriates...
longman over 11 years ago

There is some literature, some of it written by professionals in the same way they would advise someone with another inhibiting disability, by reducing it to easier explanations of how non autistic persons would do things, which isn't helpful.
You might find Barbara Jacobs "Loving Mr Spock Asperger's Syndrome and how to make your relationship work" Penguin Books (paperback) 2004 a useful lay guide. I'm not sure whether the partner described was more than very mild aspergers. However it explores the background, without being intimidating.
There is "The Asperger Love Guide" by Genevieve Edmonds and Dean Worton, both authors on the spectrum, Paul Chapman Publishing (Sage Publications) 2005. This has a lot of helpful information, but I would have welcomed a bit more depth on some of the potential misunderstandings and conflicts.
For example on Flirting, they point out that our impression of someone else is 55% body language, 38% tone, speed and intonation of voice, and 7% what we actually say. As people on the autistic spectrum fare badly on the first two, you can understand we are less than 10% successful.
Remember, it is two way. We cannot generate the right visual and intonation elements (a point health professions including GPs seem not to grasp), and we cannot read them properly (GPs seem to think its because we aren't looking!). We have to rely mostly on spoken language.
longman over 11 years ago

Certain things though that it might help to explain.
People on the spectrum generally don't seem to comprehend the need to continually send signals to another person to reassure them of their intentions. To someone on the spectrum, if we said we loved you a while back, we assume you still understand that days after, and don't need to be reminded.
If you text someone on the spectrum they may just receive it as a fact. If they aren't in dispute about the statement they don't see the neeed to reply.
If you were texting a non-autistic person you'd think silence meant not interested any more, or annoyance. With an autistic person they wont understand if you keep retexting the same thing. They'll just be puzzled.
The parallel is often made with a computer, though allusion to logical beings like Mr Spock or Data are illusional allusions! But with autism we seem to communicate in facts, without understanding the general populations need to patter, reiterate, reassure, mtually flatter.
Strange, but sometimes the best way is to keep a diary record of when he said yes or no, and assume, if he hasn't told you otherwise, it still means that.
Former Member over 11 years ago

Hi
Welcome to the forum, there is a massive amount to understand about autism and you won't be able to do this quickly. He is fortunate that he knows that he has the problem and it is fortunate that he has told you about it. Undiagnosed aspies have a terrible success rate for relationships, if the condition is known and understood then you are in a much better place. :-)
You are right not to push him too far. I think that it's fair to say that we react really badly to pushy intrusive approaches. Allow him to be in control of his condition but at the same time you can read up and ask questions elsewhere to try and understand.