• Replies 4 replies
  • Subscribers 28 subscribers
  • Views 3128 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Help communicating with my boyfriend who has autism

hbld

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend and I met at work and we've been in a relationship for quite a while now; however, he's recently moved away and we're now trying it long-distance. It seemed to be going well, but I went to see him in London the other day and was quite hurt - he told me after I'd booked the tickets that he didn't finish work until 1am and I'd have to come meet him to get the keys to his flat. The next day, he wanted to spend us to spend time with his flatmates, which was fine, but we'd only seen each other for about half an hour, so I was a little bit hurt. When I told him that I was going to bed (at 3am), he then didn't come to bed until 7am and proceeded to get drunk in the kitchen with his flatmates. When I told him that I was upset/slightly angry at this all, he then broke down crying and told me about his autism.

Here is where the problem begins-
I love my boyfriend. He's genuinely one of the best people that I've ever met and I could go on for days about how it works, but that's not the point here. The thing is- I am completely okay with him having autism; it's just one of the things about him, and it's not something that could ever turn me away. Yes, I'll have to learn to communicate a bit better, but I want to do that.

I had to leave the next morning, and so the conversation was kind of left on a point. I texted him on the train, telling him that I still feel the same way, but we need to discuss this so that we can both be on the same page. He saw the message, but didn't reply. I texted him again in the evening asking him what he wanted to do. He said that he wouldn't have told me about his autism if he hadn't been drunk and that he felt raw/exposed so probably wouldn't be talking very much for the next few days/didn't want to discuss the topic. However, when he'd broken down the night before, he'd been very upset at the idea that he thought I was communicating that we might not be able to continue our relationship.

Please help me - I want to do what's right for both of us. The rest of the time, the relationship is perfect. I don't want to push him to talk about his autism, but at the same time, I don't want him to continue thinking that his autism is something to be ashamed of. It's a case of- if I give him space and don't talk to him, is he going to think that I don't care about him any longer because of this? But if I do talk to him, what if he's continuously reminded of that break down and I push him to breaking point?

Parents

  • There is some literature, some of it written by professionals in the same way they would advise someone with another inhibiting disability, by reducing it to easier explanations of how non autistic persons would do things, which isn't helpful.

    You might find Barbara Jacobs "Loving Mr Spock Asperger's Syndrome and how to make your relationship work" Penguin Books (paperback) 2004 a useful lay guide. I'm not sure whether the partner described was more than very mild aspergers. However it explores the background, without being intimidating.

    There is "The Asperger Love Guide" by Genevieve Edmonds and Dean Worton, both authors on the spectrum, Paul Chapman Publishing (Sage Publications) 2005. This has a lot of helpful information, but I would have welcomed a bit more depth on some of the potential misunderstandings and conflicts.

    For example on Flirting, they point out that our impression of someone else is 55% body language, 38% tone, speed and intonation of voice, and 7% what we actually say. As people on the autistic spectrum fare badly on the first two, you can understand we are less than 10% successful.

    Remember, it is two way. We cannot generate the right visual and intonation elements (a point health professions including GPs seem not to grasp), and we cannot read them properly (GPs seem to think its because we aren't looking!). We have to rely mostly on spoken language.

Reply

  • There is some literature, some of it written by professionals in the same way they would advise someone with another inhibiting disability, by reducing it to easier explanations of how non autistic persons would do things, which isn't helpful.

    You might find Barbara Jacobs "Loving Mr Spock Asperger's Syndrome and how to make your relationship work" Penguin Books (paperback) 2004 a useful lay guide. I'm not sure whether the partner described was more than very mild aspergers. However it explores the background, without being intimidating.

    There is "The Asperger Love Guide" by Genevieve Edmonds and Dean Worton, both authors on the spectrum, Paul Chapman Publishing (Sage Publications) 2005. This has a lot of helpful information, but I would have welcomed a bit more depth on some of the potential misunderstandings and conflicts.

    For example on Flirting, they point out that our impression of someone else is 55% body language, 38% tone, speed and intonation of voice, and 7% what we actually say. As people on the autistic spectrum fare badly on the first two, you can understand we are less than 10% successful.

    Remember, it is two way. We cannot generate the right visual and intonation elements (a point health professions including GPs seem not to grasp), and we cannot read them properly (GPs seem to think its because we aren't looking!). We have to rely mostly on spoken language.

Children
No Data