Managing other people's expectations

NAS78935 said:

if there is an inconsistency with a rule, I will query it.

I found the best way to approach this is to try to phrase the query in a way that supports the rule (or person making it) and to make it sound like you are making it comprehensive.

The reason for this is the manager requesting the rule is likely to see a negative query as an attack on them personally (silly I know) so rather than saying  "you missed out what happens if we have to prioritise an executives request" you can say "that works well. Can you advise how if we should still prioritise executive requests if they conflict please?".

By offering a potential solution and asking for their opinion you are both making their life easier and asking for their advice which makes them feel it was all their idea.

This was a bit of "headology" I learned early in my career to keep management from taking exception to my pedantic nature on some things.

Most of the time you probably know the most likely answer to what you will ask so this approach can help.

Can you say to your boss, "I am not very good at this, but I will try my best."

"But it would better if I could mostly do this other thing that I am good at. Is that possible?"

People get frustrated with others from time to time, you may get frustrated with some of your colleagues.

No one is good at everything. All you can do is your best and try to not worry too much about other people.

If they haven't actually said anything, then try not to worry too much 

Friends and family sometimes tell me I'm annoying in that way. At work, it's more that I can sense people get frustrated. 

Thank you. This is a helpful reply. I am good at my job in general, it is more the social aspect of work and learning new information in the same way as others that I struggle with. For example, if there is an inconsistency with a rule, I will query it.

However, even when I explain my query is due to the fact I struggle when rules are unclear, my questioning gets treated as me being difficult, perhaps because I seem frustrated with the inconsistency, rather than as me struggling, because people hold me to high standards. 

I just wish I could say I find things hard and be heard, but still be accepted as competent. 

Just to double check, does anyone actually say "how annoying", or is this what you think they will say?

It makes a big difference.

You may be being unreasonably harsh on yourself.

It is one of the cognitive distortions; to assume you know what other people are thinking.

NAS78935 said:

I want to be able to say 'im not good at x' without people saying 'how annoying, you should be'.

I think how you approach this will depend on whether the tasks you are not good at are part of your job description.

If they are then you have a problem and probably need to work out how to get better at these tasks if you want to keep your job.

If they are tasks outside your job description then you are well within your rights to say no to them on these grounds, but it is worth realising that many managers will take offence to refusals because they probably consider your job description to be flexible.

How you can deal with this will depend largely on whether you have disclosed your autism diagnosis to the HR team - if you have then you do have some legal protections through your disabled status so you can much more easily push back if managers try to push tasks that are unsuitable for you.

NAS78935 said:

It's frustrating on many levels, partly because it's a neurotypical way of thinking to make assumptions about how someone should or shouldn't be or think. I feel like I can't win. 

In my experience the vast majority of neurotypicals do not understand what autism means in relation to the issues you are talking about. They don't know why you can't do these things and may see someone else with autism who is able to do them so wonder what is wrong with you.

Hopefully you can get your manager on your side to learn about how it impacts you and educate others about how to interact with you. 

My experience is that there are few managers who have this quality however, and it probably explains why so many autists are unable to function in the workplace long term.

One last option is to learn how to deal with the tasks in question. I found my psychotherapist gave me good pointers on how to approach problem tasks in a way where I could more easily cope with them so this may be an option for you.

Good luck

I think we all feel like that and I think as women in the work place we still have to justify our existance more.

Why should you be capable of everything? No one is capable of everything.

People complaining that you "should" be able to do the things you can't are probably trying to push stuff onto you that they don't want to do. Maybe ask these people who it's annoying for and why? If something's not in your job description then they can't really call what your'e not doing as a failing. Some managers can make life difficult, it seems like they want to fix things that aren't broken and ask people to justify systems that have been in place for decades. This is a subtle form of bullying and discrimination, my Dil is getting a similar thing from a new manager, I think in her case its racism.

My experience is similar.

My acquaintances want my virtues but not whatever is seen as an impediment to me being economically valuable or just valuable in their judgement.

In some sense this is ableism.

One tip is to think how to workaround those cases in advance, so that you can gracefully get out of their way, and also free yourself from the tasks that are too taxing for your physical or mental health.

I do this whenever I am invited to highly social events. But be mindful that you cant always be sick.

It must be 1) at least partly true, 2) said in a way that sounds definitive. In addition, 3) people soften their insistence if you offer "an off ramp" like: but we could go and sit by the river.

Related: 

- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ableism

- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sanism