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Managing other people's expectations

NAS78935

I'm a woman in my 30s, and find that it is very hard to explain that a) yes, I'm capable in some ways b) no, I'm not capable in all ways. Because I'm seen as competent in my job, and by those around me, I'm expected to behave , act, think in ways that always live up to that competent profile. But I can't. 

I want to be able to say 'im not good at x' without people saying 'how annoying, you should be'. It's frustrating on many levels, partly because it's a neurotypical way of thinking to make assumptions about how someone should or shouldn't be or think. I feel like I can't win. 

  • I think we all feel like that and I think as women in the work place we still have to justify our existance more.

    Why should you be capable of everything? No one is capable of everything.

    People complaining that you "should" be able to do the things you can't are probably trying to push stuff onto you that they don't want to do. Maybe ask these people who it's annoying for and why? If something's not in your job description then they can't really call what your'e not doing as a failing. Some managers can make life difficult, it seems like they want to fix things that aren't broken and ask people to justify systems that have been in place for decades. This is a subtle form of bullying and discrimination, my Dil is getting a similar thing from a new manager, I think in her case its racism.

  • My experience is similar.

    My acquaintances want my virtues but not whatever is seen as an impediment to me being economically valuable or just valuable in their judgement.

    In some sense this is ableism.

    One tip is to think how to workaround those cases in advance, so that you can gracefully get out of their way, and also free yourself from the tasks that are too taxing for your physical or mental health.

    I do this whenever I am invited to highly social events. But be mindful that you cant always be sick.

    It must be 1) at least partly true, 2) said in a way that sounds definitive. In addition, 3) people soften their insistence if you offer "an off ramp" like: but we could go and sit by the river.

    Related: 

    - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ableism

    - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sanism