How to help out son deal with his self imposed perfectionism

Same for me also, it is a need a be correct about factual knowledge. I hate the term teachers pet, as it's not about pleasing anyone, just a need to be correct. 

I know how self destructive perfectionism can be too. In uni with no one to tell me to stop, I'd work hard on projects all term, then pull an all-nighter to make sure I did as much as I could and hand it in last minute. After 4 years of this, I messed up my hand to use a mouse before I'd even started my career. I have to use a little wacom tablet instead, as a pen grip isn't so bad. I have an ergonomic mouse too, but it still causes pain to use more than briefly. 

I would suggest to combat it, try to look at some good role models for mistakes like inventors, and discuss how mistakes are good as they can lead to new things! And it's the quest to discover what we don't know that leads the way into great science!

Perfectionism isn’t linked to praise in my experience either. I too studied with the Open University and I remember the marks I lost in each exam even though it was decades ago.

DazeAndConfused said:

I try to adopt an "that will do" approach to completing tasks but as soon as I reduce my internal vigilance my brain gets distressed by the things "I let go"

I do the same and use a “good enough” approach. I think years of experience have helped me develop techniques that allow me to cope better, but it never goes away. 

I have't children but empathise with this. I think mammabear needs to tell herself she is a great mum, also that she cannot prevent everything - so cut some slack, otherwise you might get ill yourself. As you can see, there is a lot of support and kindness on this site. Perhaps your son might join us?  

DazeAndConfused said:

I've previously described it as an itch in the brain when things aren't just so.

Yes, this is so true! I get an uncomfortable feeling, over a room being tidy and my things being 'just so' before I can do anything. It's got easier as I age but sometimes I have to force myself not to get up to straighten a book on the shelf, pick something off the floor or find possession I've just thought of. The number of times I get up in the night to answer a 'burning' question, like if I can prune my bay tree in winter! Thank God for the internet and my laptop, so I can do this in relative comfort. It is so annoying.

I agree. I was trying to think what motivated me in primary school. It is the simplest one.

I have not consciously been motivated by praise for decades. I always thought it was an interval need to be professional and do things properly.

But now I am not sure if there weren't elements of wanting to fit in, to mask, to not draw attention to myself, to avoid conflict, to keep my job/position (i.e. a security issue as I don't want the routine disturbed).

It is hard to drill down to find what the root cause of the uneasy really is. Feelings or distress are signs of something.

Although I can't offer any specific advice, I think it's worth saying that in my experience not all perfectionism is driven by the need for praise. Perfectionism has been a factor in my mental health all my life (I'm in my sixties), for me there is an element of it feeling mentally uncomfortable when things aren't perfect. I've previously described it as an itch in the brain when things aren't just so. When I look back at my studies with the Open University, the first thing that comes to mind was the exam I struggles the most with, not the successful majority. It's something I continue to struggle with, I try to adopt an "that will do" approach to completing tasks but as soon as I reduce my internal vigilance my brain gets distressed by the things "I let go".

I can think of some things to do as an adult and perfectionism is a challenge, along with expecting too high standards of yourself. At that age though I am not sure. I did it for praise and to fit in.

All I can think of is to practice at home (a safe space). Ask a question and tell him he has to intentionally get it wrong.

Keep doing it, one it two a day for a month (long enough to become routine and a habit). You can say well done each time he gets it wrong.

It should break the idea that always being right is needed or that praise or peace is dependent on it.  You can go first and say so something silly. You could ask him something he won't know, so when it is wrong it is not a problem. You can make a game of it. 

He needs the confidence to speak and to be able to accept the world is not looking and judging a mistake or wrong answer.

Dear Sianybee1982,

Welcome to the online community and thank you for reaching out for support. It must be very hard for you to hear about your son's distress. You are doing the right thing by explaining to him that it is okay to get things wrong. 

It may be worth putting your concern about the behaviour down in writing and asking what support may be available. Sometimes it can also be helpful to get your GP or other health or social care professionals advice as well. 

It may also be worth taking a look at some of the NAS advice and guidance pages:

Extra help at school

Distressed behaviour

Transitions - as you mentioned your son will be moving to secondary, this has some helpful advice on managing this change. 

The NAS also run a Parent to Parent Emotional Support Helpline which could be a helpful resource for you.

I hope some of this helps.

Best wishes,

Olivia Mod