How to help out son deal with his self imposed perfectionism

Hi there and I hope you are all well in this New year. 

I am wondering if anyone can help me. Our son has been diagnosed with ASD and ADHD and has an EHCP with our local authority. The school aren't brilliant but his class teacher tries (it's more a management issue than his actual teacher. Everything has been a battle for 5/6 years).

Anywho. One of the biggest issues that we have found for our young man to deal with is when he gets a question wrong at school. He is very highly intelligent and when it comes to Maths, Science, Geography etc he flies. He has never had any bother with mastering these things and they have always come very easily to him. However, when he does get something wrong in school it causes him to spiral. He annoys deal with not getting 100%. He gets caught in a stim and begins to melt down. He gets to the point where he smacks himself really quite hard and is highly distressed at the situation. (I would like to make it clear we have never told him he has to get everything right and it's perfectly normal to get things wrong. It's how we learn new things). 

We keep pestering the school to try and find us some help with this because it is distressing for him and us and can cause disruption. The kids he has grown up with know him and accept it but he will be starting secondary school in Sept and we have no idea as to how we can help. Had anyone else experience with this kind of issue and if so, how do you help relieve some of the distress. 

This has not been an easy thing to discuss but we just want what is best for him and are willing to try anything. Everything we have tried so far has not made any difference for him.

Thanks in advance 

A very worried Mammabear 

Parents
  • Dear Sianybee1982,

    Welcome to the online community and thank you for reaching out for support. It must be very hard for you to hear about your son's distress. You are doing the right thing by explaining to him that it is okay to get things wrong. 

    It may be worth putting your concern about the behaviour down in writing and asking what support may be available. Sometimes it can also be helpful to get your GP or other health or social care professionals advice as well. 

    It may also be worth taking a look at some of the NAS advice and guidance pages:

    Extra help at school

    Distressed behaviour

    Transitions - as you mentioned your son will be moving to secondary, this has some helpful advice on managing this change. 

    The NAS also run a Parent to Parent Emotional Support Helpline which could be a helpful resource for you.

    I hope some of this helps.

    Best wishes,

    Olivia Mod

Reply
  • Dear Sianybee1982,

    Welcome to the online community and thank you for reaching out for support. It must be very hard for you to hear about your son's distress. You are doing the right thing by explaining to him that it is okay to get things wrong. 

    It may be worth putting your concern about the behaviour down in writing and asking what support may be available. Sometimes it can also be helpful to get your GP or other health or social care professionals advice as well. 

    It may also be worth taking a look at some of the NAS advice and guidance pages:

    Extra help at school

    Distressed behaviour

    Transitions - as you mentioned your son will be moving to secondary, this has some helpful advice on managing this change. 

    The NAS also run a Parent to Parent Emotional Support Helpline which could be a helpful resource for you.

    I hope some of this helps.

    Best wishes,

    Olivia Mod

Children
No Data