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How to help out son deal with his self imposed perfectionism

Sianybee1982

Hi there and I hope you are all well in this New year. 

I am wondering if anyone can help me. Our son has been diagnosed with ASD and ADHD and has an EHCP with our local authority. The school aren't brilliant but his class teacher tries (it's more a management issue than his actual teacher. Everything has been a battle for 5/6 years).

Anywho. One of the biggest issues that we have found for our young man to deal with is when he gets a question wrong at school. He is very highly intelligent and when it comes to Maths, Science, Geography etc he flies. He has never had any bother with mastering these things and they have always come very easily to him. However, when he does get something wrong in school it causes him to spiral. He annoys deal with not getting 100%. He gets caught in a stim and begins to melt down. He gets to the point where he smacks himself really quite hard and is highly distressed at the situation. (I would like to make it clear we have never told him he has to get everything right and it's perfectly normal to get things wrong. It's how we learn new things). 

We keep pestering the school to try and find us some help with this because it is distressing for him and us and can cause disruption. The kids he has grown up with know him and accept it but he will be starting secondary school in Sept and we have no idea as to how we can help. Had anyone else experience with this kind of issue and if so, how do you help relieve some of the distress. 

This has not been an easy thing to discuss but we just want what is best for him and are willing to try anything. Everything we have tried so far has not made any difference for him.

Thanks in advance 

A very worried Mammabear 

Parents

  • Although I can't offer any specific advice, I think it's worth saying that in my experience not all perfectionism is driven by the need for praise. Perfectionism has been a factor in my mental health all my life (I'm in my sixties), for me there is an element of it feeling mentally uncomfortable when things aren't perfect. I've previously described it as an itch in the brain when things aren't just so. When I look back at my studies with the Open University, the first thing that comes to mind was the exam I struggles the most with, not the successful majority. It's something I continue to struggle with, I try to adopt an "that will do" approach to completing tasks but as soon as I reduce my internal vigilance my brain gets distressed by the things "I let go".

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  • Although I can't offer any specific advice, I think it's worth saying that in my experience not all perfectionism is driven by the need for praise. Perfectionism has been a factor in my mental health all my life (I'm in my sixties), for me there is an element of it feeling mentally uncomfortable when things aren't perfect. I've previously described it as an itch in the brain when things aren't just so. When I look back at my studies with the Open University, the first thing that comes to mind was the exam I struggles the most with, not the successful majority. It's something I continue to struggle with, I try to adopt an "that will do" approach to completing tasks but as soon as I reduce my internal vigilance my brain gets distressed by the things "I let go".

Children
  • in reply to DazeAndConfused

    Perfectionism isn’t linked to praise in my experience either. I too studied with the Open University and I remember the marks I lost in each exam even though it was decades ago.

    DazeAndConfused said:
    I try to adopt an "that will do" approach to completing tasks but as soon as I reduce my internal vigilance my brain gets distressed by the things "I let go"

    I do the same and use a “good enough” approach. I think years of experience have helped me develop techniques that allow me to cope better, but it never goes away. 

  • in reply to DazeAndConfused
    DazeAndConfused said:
    I've previously described it as an itch in the brain when things aren't just so.

    Yes, this is so true! I get an uncomfortable feeling, over a room being tidy and my things being 'just so' before I can do anything. It's got easier as I age but sometimes I have to force myself not to get up to straighten a book on the shelf, pick something off the floor or find possession I've just thought of. The number of times I get up in the night to answer a 'burning' question, like if I can prune my bay tree in winter! Thank God for the internet and my laptop, so I can do this in relative comfort. It is so annoying.

  • in reply to DazeAndConfused

    I agree. I was trying to think what motivated me in primary school. It is the simplest one.

    I have not consciously been motivated by praise for decades. I always thought it was an interval need to be professional and do things properly.

    But now I am not sure if there weren't elements of wanting to fit in, to mask, to not draw attention to myself, to avoid conflict, to keep my job/position (i.e. a security issue as I don't want the routine disturbed).

    It is hard to drill down to find what the root cause of the uneasy really is. Feelings or distress are signs of something.