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How to help out son deal with his self imposed perfectionism

Sianybee1982

Hi there and I hope you are all well in this New year. 

I am wondering if anyone can help me. Our son has been diagnosed with ASD and ADHD and has an EHCP with our local authority. The school aren't brilliant but his class teacher tries (it's more a management issue than his actual teacher. Everything has been a battle for 5/6 years).

Anywho. One of the biggest issues that we have found for our young man to deal with is when he gets a question wrong at school. He is very highly intelligent and when it comes to Maths, Science, Geography etc he flies. He has never had any bother with mastering these things and they have always come very easily to him. However, when he does get something wrong in school it causes him to spiral. He annoys deal with not getting 100%. He gets caught in a stim and begins to melt down. He gets to the point where he smacks himself really quite hard and is highly distressed at the situation. (I would like to make it clear we have never told him he has to get everything right and it's perfectly normal to get things wrong. It's how we learn new things). 

We keep pestering the school to try and find us some help with this because it is distressing for him and us and can cause disruption. The kids he has grown up with know him and accept it but he will be starting secondary school in Sept and we have no idea as to how we can help. Had anyone else experience with this kind of issue and if so, how do you help relieve some of the distress. 

This has not been an easy thing to discuss but we just want what is best for him and are willing to try anything. Everything we have tried so far has not made any difference for him.

Thanks in advance 

A very worried Mammabear 

Parents

  • I can think of some things to do as an adult and perfectionism is a challenge, along with expecting too high standards of yourself. At that age though I am not sure. I did it for praise and to fit in.

    All I can think of is to practice at home (a safe space). Ask a question and tell him he has to intentionally get it wrong.

    Keep doing it, one it two a day for a month (long enough to become routine and a habit). You can say well done each time he gets it wrong.

    It should break the idea that always being right is needed or that praise or peace is dependent on it.  You can go first and say so something silly. You could ask him something he won't know, so when it is wrong it is not a problem. You can make a game of it. 

    He needs the confidence to speak and to be able to accept the world is not looking and judging a mistake or wrong answer.

Reply

  • I can think of some things to do as an adult and perfectionism is a challenge, along with expecting too high standards of yourself. At that age though I am not sure. I did it for praise and to fit in.

    All I can think of is to practice at home (a safe space). Ask a question and tell him he has to intentionally get it wrong.

    Keep doing it, one it two a day for a month (long enough to become routine and a habit). You can say well done each time he gets it wrong.

    It should break the idea that always being right is needed or that praise or peace is dependent on it.  You can go first and say so something silly. You could ask him something he won't know, so when it is wrong it is not a problem. You can make a game of it. 

    He needs the confidence to speak and to be able to accept the world is not looking and judging a mistake or wrong answer.

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