Need Help – Autistic and Struggling with Arranged Marriage Expectations (Cultural/Religious Context)

Hi and welcome to the community. I'm a woman in my sixties and have been married for over 40 years. It wasn't arranged, but we didn't live together before we were married and I don't think anyone really comes to know someone fully until they live under the same roof as a couple. I'm not against arranged marriages as long as no one involved feels coerced, because all marriages have problems over the years and many non arranged ones end in divorce.

I'm sorry but I don't know a lot about dating and marriage in your culture, but I was under the impression that people were allowed to meet if they had a trusted chaperone? 

My suggestion would be that you write a set of questions to be given to a potential match, so that you can get to know more about them and whether you feel they might be right for you, plus write a list of what you see as your strengths and what you are looking for in a marriage, so they can learn a bit about you too. Then perhaps ask for a supervised face to face chat with those you feel might be a good match. 

I wish you luck and hope you let us know how things go.

No worries! Good luck on your journey. 

Thank you so much—that really encouraged me. You’re absolutely right, especially in my culture, most autistic people (especially women) probably aren’t diagnosed at all, so focusing on traits and energy might be the most realistic and respectful way forward.

I haven’t watched Love on the Spectrum yet, but you’re the second person to recommend it recently, so I’ll definitely check it out. The idea of a structured, supportive approach with someone like Jennifer Cook sounds exactly like the kind of thing that might help me think through this process more clearly.

Thanks again for sharing your experience—it really helps to hear from someone who gets it.

Hi Rizwan, I’m glad you’d thought about that! Yes asking them to focus on a partner with those traits is a great idea. Especially as a lot of autistic people aren’t diagnosed - and I guess maybe even more so for a woman from your culture and religion. So focussing on diagnosed partners might be difficult. 

I was late diagnosed very recently. I watched all the series of Love on the Spectrum. I found it fascinating. Have you seen it? If not it might help you to think about the process. Because of the format of the show it’s quite structured and also they have a dating coach (who is autistic) called Jennifer Cook. I think she’s fantastic! 

That's a really good point. I’ve thought about that too—how it might feel more natural to connect with someone who’s also autistic or just understands the world in a similar way. There’s a kind of comfort in that shared experience.

In my case, I’m not sure how to look specifically for an autistic partner within the arranged system, but I’ve been thinking of asking my family to focus more on calm, understanding, and thoughtful personality traits, rather than just looks.

Thanks for bringing it up—it really helped me reflect.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and kind reply. It really means a lot that you took the time to understand what I’m going through.

You’re right—autism can make it incredibly difficult to pick up on subtle emotional cues, especially from photos. For me, every image just feels flat and disconnected, and I can’t make sense of what I’m “supposed” to feel or look for. I think that’s where the frustration with my parents comes in—they don’t realize how different this experience is for me compared to others.

Your suggestion to write things down really resonated with me. I think that could help a lot. If I make a list of specific difficulties and possible solutions, maybe it’ll be easier for them to understand that I’m not just avoiding the process—I just need it adapted a little so I’m not overwhelmed or lost in it.

I also really liked your idea about video—unfortunately, in my family and cultural setup, videos aren't considered appropriate in the early stages, so that option’s off the table. But it made me think: maybe I can focus on asking for more detailed written descriptions or structured in-person conversations with supervision, where I get a clearer sense of personality and communication style.

Even if you feel like you don’t have direct experience with this, your response was very supportive and encouraging, and I’m grateful for that.

I’m sorry you are struggling with choosing the right girl to marry. I can only imagine the dilemma you are in as I am not of your religion and I do not have experience of this sort of thing.

As we autistic people can struggle so much with facial signs, symbols and emotions, I can understand a bit of how it might be for you. I cannot think of anyway to get round this other than to explain to your parents how your autism affects you and why you need the process adapted so as not to be disadvantaged. Presumably your parents know you are autistic, so perhaps it would help to make a list of the difficulties and potential solutions. Sometimes seeing the issues written or printed on paper clarifies things for the autistic person and others (parents). Would a video of a few seconds be acceptable instead of a photo? 

I’m sorry I can’t offer anything more constructive but I wish you well and hope you and your future wife have a very happy marriage.

Is there a way to look for an autistic woman? I think most autistic people (even if unknowingly) choose autistic partners.