Need Help – Autistic and Struggling with Arranged Marriage Expectations (Cultural/Religious Context)

Hi and welcome to the community. I'm a woman in my sixties and have been married for over 40 years. It wasn't arranged, but we didn't live together before we were married and I don't think anyone really comes to know someone fully until they live under the same roof as a couple. I'm not against arranged marriages as long as no one involved feels coerced, because all marriages have problems over the years and many non arranged ones end in divorce.

I'm sorry but I don't know a lot about dating and marriage in your culture, but I was under the impression that people were allowed to meet if they had a trusted chaperone? 

My suggestion would be that you write a set of questions to be given to a potential match, so that you can get to know more about them and whether you feel they might be right for you, plus write a list of what you see as your strengths and what you are looking for in a marriage, so they can learn a bit about you too. Then perhaps ask for a supervised face to face chat with those you feel might be a good match. 

I wish you luck and hope you let us know how things go.

No worries! Good luck on your journey. 

Thank you so much—that really encouraged me. You’re absolutely right, especially in my culture, most autistic people (especially women) probably aren’t diagnosed at all, so focusing on traits and energy might be the most realistic and respectful way forward.

I haven’t watched Love on the Spectrum yet, but you’re the second person to recommend it recently, so I’ll definitely check it out. The idea of a structured, supportive approach with someone like Jennifer Cook sounds exactly like the kind of thing that might help me think through this process more clearly.

Thanks again for sharing your experience—it really helps to hear from someone who gets it.

Hi Rizwan, I’m glad you’d thought about that! Yes asking them to focus on a partner with those traits is a great idea. Especially as a lot of autistic people aren’t diagnosed - and I guess maybe even more so for a woman from your culture and religion. So focussing on diagnosed partners might be difficult. 

I was late diagnosed very recently. I watched all the series of Love on the Spectrum. I found it fascinating. Have you seen it? If not it might help you to think about the process. Because of the format of the show it’s quite structured and also they have a dating coach (who is autistic) called Jennifer Cook. I think she’s fantastic! 

Thank you for your thoughtful reply—I really appreciate your honesty.

You’ve raised an important point about the other person’s experience. I do care deeply about that, and it’s one of the reasons I’ve been so hesitant to just “pick” someone without being sure.

The truth is, in my culture, most people—including my own parents—don’t really understand what autism is. It’s not talked about much, and there’s no real awareness. So even explaining it has been a huge challenge for me.

I don’t want to mislead anyone. My hope is to first help my parents understand me better, so that when the time comes, we can be more open and respectful to the potential partner as well.

It’s a slow process, but I’m trying to be careful and fair on both sides.

That's a really good point. I’ve thought about that too—how it might feel more natural to connect with someone who’s also autistic or just understands the world in a similar way. There’s a kind of comfort in that shared experience.

In my case, I’m not sure how to look specifically for an autistic partner within the arranged system, but I’ve been thinking of asking my family to focus more on calm, understanding, and thoughtful personality traits, rather than just looks.

Thanks for bringing it up—it really helped me reflect.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and kind reply. It really means a lot that you took the time to understand what I’m going through.

You’re right—autism can make it incredibly difficult to pick up on subtle emotional cues, especially from photos. For me, every image just feels flat and disconnected, and I can’t make sense of what I’m “supposed” to feel or look for. I think that’s where the frustration with my parents comes in—they don’t realize how different this experience is for me compared to others.

Your suggestion to write things down really resonated with me. I think that could help a lot. If I make a list of specific difficulties and possible solutions, maybe it’ll be easier for them to understand that I’m not just avoiding the process—I just need it adapted a little so I’m not overwhelmed or lost in it.

I also really liked your idea about video—unfortunately, in my family and cultural setup, videos aren't considered appropriate in the early stages, so that option’s off the table. But it made me think: maybe I can focus on asking for more detailed written descriptions or structured in-person conversations with supervision, where I get a clearer sense of personality and communication style.

Even if you feel like you don’t have direct experience with this, your response was very supportive and encouraging, and I’m grateful for that.

Perhaps you ought to consider the feeling of your prospective partner too.

I'd ask you to think about this scenario.

You eventually get a picture of someone that seems acceptable.   Meanwhile, presumably, your partner gets a picture of you from her parents?   Is that how this works?

Does anyone tell this person that you are Autistic, and explain to her what that may mean for her in a relationship where there is unlikely to be an exit strategy?  

Or does she just have to go by the photo, and rely on her own gut instinct?

Perhaps someone is going to take the trouble of looking for an Autistic match for you ?  I doubt that is on the horizon at the present time.

With all due respect, the more you think about this, the more problematic the whole thing sounds. 

This seems very one-sided, with extra potential that someone could end up very unhappy in the future. 

I’m sorry you are struggling with choosing the right girl to marry. I can only imagine the dilemma you are in as I am not of your religion and I do not have experience of this sort of thing.

As we autistic people can struggle so much with facial signs, symbols and emotions, I can understand a bit of how it might be for you. I cannot think of anyway to get round this other than to explain to your parents how your autism affects you and why you need the process adapted so as not to be disadvantaged. Presumably your parents know you are autistic, so perhaps it would help to make a list of the difficulties and potential solutions. Sometimes seeing the issues written or printed on paper clarifies things for the autistic person and others (parents). Would a video of a few seconds be acceptable instead of a photo? 

I’m sorry I can’t offer anything more constructive but I wish you well and hope you and your future wife have a very happy marriage.

Is there a way to look for an autistic woman? I think most autistic people (even if unknowingly) choose autistic partners. 

Thank you so much for your reply and for approaching this with sensitivity—I really appreciate that.

Just to clarify, I’m not being forced into anything against my will. My parents are definitely putting pressure on me, but it’s not coercion in a legal sense. It’s more that they don’t understand why I’m struggling with the process, and I don’t know how to explain it in a way they’ll understand.

I’m not against arranged marriage itself. I actually do want to get married, and I’m open to the idea of meeting someone through family introductions. The part that’s hard for me is how I’m supposed to evaluate someone or feel a connection based on just a photo or one short, awkward conversation. My brain doesn’t work that way, and I think that’s where my autism plays a big role.

I’m hoping to find a way to adapt the process so that it works better for me—something more concrete, with patterns or traits I can understand emotionally and logically. That one example of the character Zeynep helped me realize I do have preferences, but they’re more about behavior and energy than appearance.

I guess I’m still learning how to communicate my needs in a way that bridges my cultural background with how I’m wired. If anyone here has experience navigating this kind of situation, especially as someone on the spectrum, I’d love to hear what worked for you.

Thanks again for reading and responding—it means a lot.

I am sorry to hear of your difficulties.

I find the whole concept of selecting a life partner from a photo rather disturbing in many ways, so I need to be very careful as to how I phrase my response.   

I realise this is a long established cultural practice, but your parents must realise that arranged marriages aren't enforceable in the UK without consent, and coercion is also illegal.

If you feel you are being pressured into marrying someone against your will, I'd suggest you take legal advice.  You have mentioned that you are being pressured.  We cannot dispense legal advice on this forum however.

If you are actually asking how to go along with an arranged marriage as an autistic person - and are quite happy with the concept - then that's a different matter.  Hopefully someone here will come forward with advice.