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Need Help – Autistic and Struggling with Arranged Marriage Expectations (Cultural/Religious Context)

Rizwan

Hi everyone,
I’m on the autism spectrum, and I’m struggling with something that’s been really overwhelming. My family is pressuring me to choose a girl for marriage through a traditional matchmaking process. In my culture and religion (I’m Muslim), dating isn’t allowed, so people usually meet potential partners through families and photos, sometimes followed by supervised conversations.

The problem is: I just can't decide anything based on photos. I don’t know what to look for, I don’t feel anything when I see them, and I can’t make sense of who might be a good match for me. Every photo just feels like a blur of faces. It’s overwhelming and doesn’t give me what I need to make a real decision.

My parents are getting frustrated and saying, “What do you want then?” But I don’t even know how to explain it to them. I’m not trying to be difficult—I just genuinely don’t have a way to connect with this process. Its been 1 and half year passed.

I want to get married. I’m not against the idea at all. I just need a way that works with my brain— might be some pattern or process. But I don’t know how to ask for that or make it happen within the cultural expectations. There was one moment that helped me realize a bit of what I might like. I saw a character named Zeynep in the Turkish drama Kızıl Goncalar, and I said, “I like this kind of girl.” I don’t fully know why—it’s not just about her looks. I think it was something about her calmness, the way she speaks, or how she carries herself. It was the first time I actually felt a sense of “Yes, maybe this.”

I passed her photo my parent and said I like these kind of girls but my parents said she exist in series only not in real life. They are putting pressure on me to select a girl from available photos.

Has anyone here dealt with this kind of situation—navigating arranged marriage as an autistic person?
How did you figure out what worked for you, or how to communicate your needs to family?

I need support can anyone please help 

I’d really appreciate any advice, support, or even just someone who gets it.

Thanks so much for reading.

Parents

  • Is there a way to look for an autistic woman? I think most autistic people (even if unknowingly) choose autistic partners. 

  • in reply to Nexus-7

    That's a really good point. I’ve thought about that too—how it might feel more natural to connect with someone who’s also autistic or just understands the world in a similar way. There’s a kind of comfort in that shared experience.

    In my case, I’m not sure how to look specifically for an autistic partner within the arranged system, but I’ve been thinking of asking my family to focus more on calm, understanding, and thoughtful personality traits, rather than just looks.

    Thanks for bringing it up—it really helped me reflect.

  • in reply to Rizwan

    Hi Rizwan, I’m glad you’d thought about that! Yes asking them to focus on a partner with those traits is a great idea. Especially as a lot of autistic people aren’t diagnosed - and I guess maybe even more so for a woman from your culture and religion. So focussing on diagnosed partners might be difficult. 

    I was late diagnosed very recently. I watched all the series of Love on the Spectrum. I found it fascinating. Have you seen it? If not it might help you to think about the process. Because of the format of the show it’s quite structured and also they have a dating coach (who is autistic) called Jennifer Cook. I think she’s fantastic! 

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  • in reply to Rizwan

    Hi Rizwan, I’m glad you’d thought about that! Yes asking them to focus on a partner with those traits is a great idea. Especially as a lot of autistic people aren’t diagnosed - and I guess maybe even more so for a woman from your culture and religion. So focussing on diagnosed partners might be difficult. 

    I was late diagnosed very recently. I watched all the series of Love on the Spectrum. I found it fascinating. Have you seen it? If not it might help you to think about the process. Because of the format of the show it’s quite structured and also they have a dating coach (who is autistic) called Jennifer Cook. I think she’s fantastic! 

Children
  • in reply to Rizwan

    No worries! Good luck on your journey. 

  • in reply to Nexus-7

    Thank you so much—that really encouraged me. You’re absolutely right, especially in my culture, most autistic people (especially women) probably aren’t diagnosed at all, so focusing on traits and energy might be the most realistic and respectful way forward.

    I haven’t watched Love on the Spectrum yet, but you’re the second person to recommend it recently, so I’ll definitely check it out. The idea of a structured, supportive approach with someone like Jennifer Cook sounds exactly like the kind of thing that might help me think through this process more clearly.

    Thanks again for sharing your experience—it really helps to hear from someone who gets it.