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Need Help – Autistic and Struggling with Arranged Marriage Expectations (Cultural/Religious Context)

Rizwan

Hi everyone,
I’m on the autism spectrum, and I’m struggling with something that’s been really overwhelming. My family is pressuring me to choose a girl for marriage through a traditional matchmaking process. In my culture and religion (I’m Muslim), dating isn’t allowed, so people usually meet potential partners through families and photos, sometimes followed by supervised conversations.

The problem is: I just can't decide anything based on photos. I don’t know what to look for, I don’t feel anything when I see them, and I can’t make sense of who might be a good match for me. Every photo just feels like a blur of faces. It’s overwhelming and doesn’t give me what I need to make a real decision.

My parents are getting frustrated and saying, “What do you want then?” But I don’t even know how to explain it to them. I’m not trying to be difficult—I just genuinely don’t have a way to connect with this process. Its been 1 and half year passed.

I want to get married. I’m not against the idea at all. I just need a way that works with my brain— might be some pattern or process. But I don’t know how to ask for that or make it happen within the cultural expectations. There was one moment that helped me realize a bit of what I might like. I saw a character named Zeynep in the Turkish drama Kızıl Goncalar, and I said, “I like this kind of girl.” I don’t fully know why—it’s not just about her looks. I think it was something about her calmness, the way she speaks, or how she carries herself. It was the first time I actually felt a sense of “Yes, maybe this.”

I passed her photo my parent and said I like these kind of girls but my parents said she exist in series only not in real life. They are putting pressure on me to select a girl from available photos.

Has anyone here dealt with this kind of situation—navigating arranged marriage as an autistic person?
How did you figure out what worked for you, or how to communicate your needs to family?

I need support can anyone please help 

I’d really appreciate any advice, support, or even just someone who gets it.

Thanks so much for reading.

Parents

  • Hi and welcome to the community. I'm a woman in my sixties and have been married for over 40 years. It wasn't arranged, but we didn't live together before we were married and I don't think anyone really comes to know someone fully until they live under the same roof as a couple. I'm not against arranged marriages as long as no one involved feels coerced, because all marriages have problems over the years and many non arranged ones end in divorce.

    I'm sorry but I don't know a lot about dating and marriage in your culture, but I was under the impression that people were allowed to meet if they had a trusted chaperone? 

    My suggestion would be that you write a set of questions to be given to a potential match, so that you can get to know more about them and whether you feel they might be right for you, plus write a list of what you see as your strengths and what you are looking for in a marriage, so they can learn a bit about you too. Then perhaps ask for a supervised face to face chat with those you feel might be a good match. 

    I wish you luck and hope you let us know how things go.

Reply

  • Hi and welcome to the community. I'm a woman in my sixties and have been married for over 40 years. It wasn't arranged, but we didn't live together before we were married and I don't think anyone really comes to know someone fully until they live under the same roof as a couple. I'm not against arranged marriages as long as no one involved feels coerced, because all marriages have problems over the years and many non arranged ones end in divorce.

    I'm sorry but I don't know a lot about dating and marriage in your culture, but I was under the impression that people were allowed to meet if they had a trusted chaperone? 

    My suggestion would be that you write a set of questions to be given to a potential match, so that you can get to know more about them and whether you feel they might be right for you, plus write a list of what you see as your strengths and what you are looking for in a marriage, so they can learn a bit about you too. Then perhaps ask for a supervised face to face chat with those you feel might be a good match. 

    I wish you luck and hope you let us know how things go.

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