• Replies 8 replies
  • Subscribers 32 subscribers
  • Views 1750 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Need Help – Autistic and Struggling with Arranged Marriage Expectations (Cultural/Religious Context)

Rizwan

Hi everyone,
I’m on the autism spectrum, and I’m struggling with something that’s been really overwhelming. My family is pressuring me to choose a girl for marriage through a traditional matchmaking process. In my culture and religion (I’m Muslim), dating isn’t allowed, so people usually meet potential partners through families and photos, sometimes followed by supervised conversations.

The problem is: I just can't decide anything based on photos. I don’t know what to look for, I don’t feel anything when I see them, and I can’t make sense of who might be a good match for me. Every photo just feels like a blur of faces. It’s overwhelming and doesn’t give me what I need to make a real decision.

My parents are getting frustrated and saying, “What do you want then?” But I don’t even know how to explain it to them. I’m not trying to be difficult—I just genuinely don’t have a way to connect with this process. Its been 1 and half year passed.

I want to get married. I’m not against the idea at all. I just need a way that works with my brain— might be some pattern or process. But I don’t know how to ask for that or make it happen within the cultural expectations. There was one moment that helped me realize a bit of what I might like. I saw a character named Zeynep in the Turkish drama Kızıl Goncalar, and I said, “I like this kind of girl.” I don’t fully know why—it’s not just about her looks. I think it was something about her calmness, the way she speaks, or how she carries herself. It was the first time I actually felt a sense of “Yes, maybe this.”

I passed her photo my parent and said I like these kind of girls but my parents said she exist in series only not in real life. They are putting pressure on me to select a girl from available photos.

Has anyone here dealt with this kind of situation—navigating arranged marriage as an autistic person?
How did you figure out what worked for you, or how to communicate your needs to family?

I need support can anyone please help 

I’d really appreciate any advice, support, or even just someone who gets it.

Thanks so much for reading.

Parents

  • I’m sorry you are struggling with choosing the right girl to marry. I can only imagine the dilemma you are in as I am not of your religion and I do not have experience of this sort of thing.

    As we autistic people can struggle so much with facial signs, symbols and emotions, I can understand a bit of how it might be for you. I cannot think of anyway to get round this other than to explain to your parents how your autism affects you and why you need the process adapted so as not to be disadvantaged. Presumably your parents know you are autistic, so perhaps it would help to make a list of the difficulties and potential solutions. Sometimes seeing the issues written or printed on paper clarifies things for the autistic person and others (parents). Would a video of a few seconds be acceptable instead of a photo? 

    I’m sorry I can’t offer anything more constructive but I wish you well and hope you and your future wife have a very happy marriage.

Reply

  • I’m sorry you are struggling with choosing the right girl to marry. I can only imagine the dilemma you are in as I am not of your religion and I do not have experience of this sort of thing.

    As we autistic people can struggle so much with facial signs, symbols and emotions, I can understand a bit of how it might be for you. I cannot think of anyway to get round this other than to explain to your parents how your autism affects you and why you need the process adapted so as not to be disadvantaged. Presumably your parents know you are autistic, so perhaps it would help to make a list of the difficulties and potential solutions. Sometimes seeing the issues written or printed on paper clarifies things for the autistic person and others (parents). Would a video of a few seconds be acceptable instead of a photo? 

    I’m sorry I can’t offer anything more constructive but I wish you well and hope you and your future wife have a very happy marriage.

Children
  • in reply to ArchaeC

    Thank you so much for your thoughtful and kind reply. It really means a lot that you took the time to understand what I’m going through.

    You’re right—autism can make it incredibly difficult to pick up on subtle emotional cues, especially from photos. For me, every image just feels flat and disconnected, and I can’t make sense of what I’m “supposed” to feel or look for. I think that’s where the frustration with my parents comes in—they don’t realize how different this experience is for me compared to others.

    Your suggestion to write things down really resonated with me. I think that could help a lot. If I make a list of specific difficulties and possible solutions, maybe it’ll be easier for them to understand that I’m not just avoiding the process—I just need it adapted a little so I’m not overwhelmed or lost in it.

    I also really liked your idea about video—unfortunately, in my family and cultural setup, videos aren't considered appropriate in the early stages, so that option’s off the table. But it made me think: maybe I can focus on asking for more detailed written descriptions or structured in-person conversations with supervision, where I get a clearer sense of personality and communication style.

    Even if you feel like you don’t have direct experience with this, your response was very supportive and encouraging, and I’m grateful for that.