Double standard in “look at others”

I'm 50 and pretty much at the point where I know I have to do this, I need to stop trying to be like others and be myself outwardly and not get into situations that are harmful to me 

It's so hard to make the step and risk the outcome though!

Comparison made me extremely ill for quite a long time, way more than I realised. It led to a breakdown. Then a 'diagnosis'. Then here. Every so often, I still feel *obsessive* comparison's gravitational pull, and escape velocity isn't always easy but must be sought, as peace is not to be found there. Contradictions and subtext ('work it out, dummy') are seeded into so much of neurotypical conduct that I limit my exposure to that a lot now, and let it wash over me. Give me text, give me robust thinking, ... and don't ever make 'well, they manage it' the unqualified and unhelpfully reductive answer to anything more complex than turning on a switch or something.  

Thank you! I also listen that for long time, I think this is a kind of mentality that people try to force everyone to fit the standard and also our differences that make us the “square pegs” play a role here. I also promised myself to not force myself anymore into highly stressful job just for few hundred € more only to suffer more.I’m tired and probably burnt out anyway. 

I spent fifteen years listening to this type of advice, looking at others and constantly trying to 'better' myself (I've since realised 'better' is subjective word) with stressful high pressure jobs that burned me out. It made me miserable. Now I've accepted the person I am inside, which is someone who just wants a simple life. I no longer care what others are doing. Do what makes you happy and ignore the expectations. It's really liberating.

If hey get mad then it's their problem, but, I get that it could become difficult, it would need to be done with a certain amount of humour.

Yep - but the employer wants their pound of flesh and I can definitely say at my age (mid 50s)  I don't want to go up the ladder for sure.  So happy with what I do and the responsibilities for what I get paid.

Whatever you earn, there's people with more money, and the demand on your own money increases in trying to keep up with your new neighbours / circle.  And money <> happiness

This thread makes the most sense I've read in a long time.

Yes, I also often hear about someone who got a good job and then I hear I could do that too. I hear, how much money I could earn and how many things I could afford. But I realized I don’t need that much money and constant “flood” of new items. 

If you're happy in your job then that's great and really all that counts as it's your job, not theirs.

Annoying my dad always says  "so and so they got a good job", but I wonder what he means ? who says it 's good ?, why is it good?, is my job not good ? 

I do enjoy my work but aspects can be difficult and workload/deadlines can be a bit much at times, but I WFH mostly and don't have to manage any staff, both suit me well: I certainly don't want to go any higher up the org chart and have done this level throughout my career, which has probably resulted in sometimes being in roles that weren't a real push and salary sometimes dipping when I moved (I moved a few times - rather than fight my corner)

Yes! Learning for its one sake! My whole life is being powered by hobbies. Very intense hobbies. Even when I was deeply depressed I still had some will to keep living because I could learn something more about Russian culture and improve my language skills. It’s same with photoshop and it was same in the college. I always put my whole energy and soul to these projects but others saw and abused that. Projects such as drawing a house floor plans or designing a train route was really funny. Also doing presentations about production processes was fun. For me. Others got their certificates and make their careers. Im happy in my warehouse. Im not sure I can ask these questions without making others mad, but maybe I can just cut it saying “I’m fine, I don’t need anything else”

Thank you, I find your response really helpful!

For me, the most important person to "look at" is ourselves, not others (ie you focus on looking at you, I'll focus on looking at me, etc). And, by "look at", I mean understand - including in respect of our capabilities, things that cause us issues (whether due to being autistic or otherwise), preferences, and so on. Which you've clearly done.

To me, that seems to be a far better basis for making decisions about our jobs or careers than judging ourselves against others, who may not - in that sense - be even remotely similar to us.

I think the only question that matters is whether the job feels right to you - and you seem to have answered that to your own satisfaction a long time ago. I suspect that these people might just have good intentions, and are trying to be supportive in case their encouragement to look beyond your current role is something that you might welcome or find helpful.

I'd personally be inclined to reply with something like "thank you, I appreciate your kind intentions, but I've considered all of that, and am confident that this is best job for me", as going into any more detail might be seen as a prompt for further debate.

I love learning for it's own sake, but too often find in conversations that I'm the only one who does. Good to hear I'm not

I read your post and the song "Happy" by Pharrell Williams jumped up in my head:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbZSe6N_BXs

Lyrics:

https://www.google.com/search?q=pharrell+williams+happy+lyrics&oq=pharrell+williams+happy+lyrics&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyBggAEEUYOdIBCTE4ODI1ajBqN6gCAbACAQ&client=ms-android-motorola-rvo3&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8&chrome_dse_attribution=1#ebo=1

"...Here come bad news talking this and that
Yeah, well, gimme all you got and don't hold back
Yeah, well I should probably warn you I'll be just fine
Yeah, no offense to you don't waste your time
Here's why ..."

If you have found a job which happily fits in with and supports what a good life means for you: you have already struck gold!".

(I am now going to enjoy humming that tune as I dance around by myself in the kitchen as I prepare my lunch today - so thank you for your post).

I don't think it's exclusive to autistic people to be told they should be doing more with thier skills, I think part of it is that some people live to work and don't understand that others work to live and don't want to climb the greasy pole of what the world calls success. I think too that it's part of our warped way of valuing education, one I was guilty of myself for many years, I think it's because if you're educated then you're "better than us" so you should be higher up the social ladder, partly because many people don't understand learning for its own sake and they may have similar skills to you with pooters, but not take those skills into account because of lack of encouragment, lack of confidence, fear of being seen to get above themselves.

I know I drive people crazy, I'm 63 and I still don't what I want to do when I grow up, I've done so many things and I've not had a career path but a career tangent and that really confuses people.

You could try asking those people why they're asking you these questions, not in a confrontational way, but in a slightly bemused way, open up a converational avenue about what work and education are for.

You'll always get told conflicting advice - just do what makes you happy and ignore them.

I wish I knew what I know now when I was younger....comes to mind to me. I have spent 30+ years at work, mostly building a career as it was expected and also to support the family. I am now asking myself now, knowing what I know whether it would have been better to do do a job that was a better fit and was not so draining/demanding? I was much happier doing more technical based work and not having to manage people for example. I think it is more important to be happy/have your health than fall into the trap of doing what society/other folks expect of you.

I entirely agree about double standards and people not understanding. 

There was a vacancy for a promotion at work. Half my colleagues told me so-and-so had got promotion last year and he wasn't as good as me so I should go for it. The other half told me I was better not to apply because the extra money wasn't worth it and I shouldn't feel I'm in competition with anyone.

In the end I didn't apply because I just didn't want the job. It sounded boring and would have messed up some of my reasonable adjustments. People are still pushing their own agenda on me and won't accept my rationale for not applying.

I don't understand why some people think they need to tell us what to do. As far as I am concerned it is important to do a job that we can manage and allows us to live a life outside. I left a higher paid job years ago to do something that gave me the ability to have a relaxing life outside of work.

I remember when I was at school people questioning someone who had very good grades and chose to do a job she wanted to do rather than go to University.