Husband struggling with probable Neurodiversity

Thank you 

Thank you

NAS75657 said:

Anyone been through similar or can offer any advice to him or me?

My advice to him, and you, is the same.....and for the avoidance of doubt, I am a man in my 50's who had realised in my early-to-mid 40's that there was definitely "something" that made me very VERY "otherly" compared to my peers!

I spent the best part of a decade "tearing myself to pieces" trying to understand WHAT my "something" was.  I did this as quietly and discretely as I could......but naturally, the process affected my mental health and my behaviours, not least because I encountered plenty of charlatans and false horizons along the way!

I was resistant to the idea that something was "wrong" with me, but was also fully aware that an outside observer would reasonably conclude that there WAS something wrong with me.  That is a hard place to find yourself.......so please cut your husband as much slack as you can muster.*

If he is autistic or otherwise neurodiverse, then this is simply a fact.  No amount of "anything" will change that simple fact........BUT.......allowing yourselves to accept that fact (whether loudly, or quietly....whether with a diagnosis, or not) can enable a sense of peace and calm that perhaps neither of you have yet been lucky enough to feel?  When it does arrive in your lives, I suspect it will be GLORIOUS for you both?!

If your husband was to receive a diagnosis for autism (or other neurodiversity)......I doubt that this would fundamentally change anything, in a practical sense?  I know that others here may disagree with that perspective........but when when you have been able to reach your 50's relatively intact......then perhaps all you really need IS a sense of calm and peace about your own being?

I think your husband perhaps just needs some more time to progress his own "process."  It does take time.  It is difficult.  No amount of well-meaning assistance will necessarily speed up that process......and interventions could, perhaps, harm it.  To put that another way = unless your husband is willing to accept his reality (irrespective of diagnosis or not), then I doubt that successful forward-motion can be achieved.

I hope that these words are of some use to you (both) although I do appreciate there are no "quick-fixes" contained above........just a promise that, ACCEPTANCE (when it finally comes.....and it probably will) does allow a sense of peace and calm to emerge.

I do wish you both well.

* - PS.....Acceptable behaviour, however you (or you both) choose to define it, is non-negotiable.  Having a seriously tough time in our heads, most certainly is not an excuse for imposing an unacceptable time on those around us.

Hi and welcome to the forum.

Getting assessed won't necessarily help his mental health - it helps some people to make sense of why they always felt "different", but for others it can cause issues with their sense of identity and/or self esteem.

I have not pursued a formal diagnosis, but learning about autism helped me to understand myself and my partner better and change how I dealt with some things to make my life easier and less stressful.

Many people on the spectrum struggle with their mental health - sometimes they need medication, sometimes therapy helps, sometimes they find a way to help themselves. If your husband is struggling with his mental health I would recommend he speaks to his doctor to discuss options. He doesn't have to tell his family about that.

I'm sure you will want to learn more about autism to support your son, and you can share things you learn with your husband which may then help him understand himself better too.

Hi there!

Yep, I echo the other responses.

Culture.  Cultural. Generational.

A conversation I had in the exit meeting with my daughters school.  At the time she was 14 and was (and still is) a beautiful, brilliant, ray of beauty who I love more than breath itself.  But at that time he spirit was broken, her light diminished and she was at such a low ebb, which is why we were taking her out of school to be home schooled.

I'm 46, I was in high-school in the 1990s.  I said to her then during the meeting. I feel we Autistic are at a stage in 2024, like society was with being gay in 1994.  Legally schools, businesses, politicians, councils they know what they should say, they know its wrong to openly discriminate.  But teachers, bosses, managers - they'll allow the odd disrespectful comment, TV programmes will be made ridiculing the worst aspects, there's no real attempt to treat NuroD people with respect and understanding they need. People will just keep believing the stereotypes.

So I think your husband is coming from this point, it's definitely not his fault.  Probably like me - the only tangible representation of autism is Dustin Hoffman in Rainman!?! Hardly something you want to be associated with.

Often when I mention Autism, someone brings up The Big Bang Theory.  I don't like that either, again it's more cliché and stereotypes, like you can't be autistic without being emotionally hard and an academic nerd.

Have you heard of Kieran Rose?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAwXbnLbN7E

He is Autisc and "NORMAL" I think he'll be a good frame of reference for your husband (and you) to how you can be properly autistic but not be odd

Welcome to the forums NAS75657 and I can definitely relate to your husbands situation. It was probably a couple of weeks ago it when I was hit by that particular lightning bolt. It certainly blew my mind and has taken probably a week or so to get my head around things. Even now I would say I am not fully comfortable with things. I had no understanding, real understanding of what Autism was and had to go through a big process to really start to understand things a bit better. I've read a number of books, watched some youtube videos, done quite a bit of reading. This has certainly helped me a lot to try and understand myself better and begin to think about ways I can improve my mental health. At this stage I am not comfortable in talking to doctors, psychiatrists, etc about deeply private things. Not sure I'm in a great position to offer any advice but for me its taking time, patience/understanding/kindness from my wife (something I'm very thankful for...even if I do grumble) and being better educated. Hopefully from there I can go on to try and rebuild things  

Hi and welcome to the community.

Your husband might find the advice here helpful in deciding whether or not to seek a diagnosis:

NAS - Deciding whether to seek an autism assessment

(The above article includes discussion of the merits of self-identification vs formal diagnosis, and concerns about potential stigma).

NAS - Signs that a child or adult may be autistic

It's worth keeping in mind that, if a diagnosis would be helpful for your husband (for example, in easing access to reasonable adjustments in the workplace), he would not need to share the information with anyone unless he decided to - including members of his wider family.

There's also some potentially useful information here about some of the mental health difficulties that can often be comorbid with autism, along with related advice - which might be of help to him if, as you suspect, he's struggling with mental health issues:

NAS - Mental health and wellbeing