club politics

hi how r u so what sort of autism do u have and when did u get diagnosed

I seem to have got fairly used to knocks like this....still hurts,....but its a fact of life. The AS tendencies seem to bar me from a lot of opportunities.

But look at the underlying factors - being able to fit in, being one of the lads, other people knowing you'll react in a critical decision in a predictable way that suits them, they want someone who isn't a threat, won't make a fuss about a little foul play.

I think too when people say you should have got the position, its a form of NT white lying. They are offering an empty consolation.

But even for NTs this happens a lot. A bloke gets the job when a woman should have got it. She got the job over better blokes - must be she's shapely. How often have you heard that?  Look how many jobs go to those from the right public school - like the Cabinet of the current government - most people have noticed it isn't a cabinet friendly to comprehensive school boys or women. Truly not fair, but what goes on.

I think in practice it has to be about doing what you think best, and being diligent, but having to accept you'll invariably get missed out, get overlooked, get rebuffed as a matter of course.

So I think it is better for Hotel california's son to do nothing about it, get over it, carry on doing a good job in the club. He'll get respect, just it wont be one of the jobs for the boys.

But that's tactless, not tactful.  The tactful answer would be: "No, because I have promised Joe Bloggs already that I will vote for him" or "No, because I have already voted for someone else, sorry" or "I'm not sure yet, I can't make any promises as lots of people want my vote" or all sorts of other reasons.  Sometimes, although I hate lies, little lies can help avoid hurting someone.  And that's coming from an Aspie!

I think we can be sure of one thing that your son is a valuable member of the club and will be valued by many of the members. It is very easy to think or feel that our value is because of what we do but certainly in a club that is not true. 

Your son may not find that easy to understand yet. Are there people in the club that can reinforce that view and make him feel valued despite his disapointment. 

It would be lovely to learn these lessons in life without the knocks and we wish it didn't have to be that way but I suspect it cannot be avoided.

It's tough for you as well and our thoughts are with you too.

Dunk

...but in the long run it ends up hurting people's feelings more like it has in this boy's case.  There are ways to be honest in a tactful way.

It didn't occur to me that people could have lied to him.  There is my Aspie gullibility for you, it never ceases to amaze me how often people lie.  I guess this could be the most likely cause, NTs often pretend things rather than just be straight out with it, as an Aspie normally would be.  It is a horrible lesson in life.  I still haven't come to terms with it, lies just don't make sense to me.

Because the only thing that makes sense is that some voters have lied and / or the committee overruled the election, he is left in a horrible situation where he cannot trust the people he thought were his friends. 

He values the truth, but I am struggling to find the words to help him understand that people are sometimes cruel to be kind.

He is said he is going to quit because he thinks they are a load of hypocrites.

Hi, you're absolutely right to identify this as politics.  Many a politician, whether at club level or higher up, such as in local or national government, can tell you the same story.  That old phrase "I voted for you", whether they did or not.  People promise their vote for any number of reasons, sometimes because they're telling the truth + sometimes because they don't want to fall out with someone.  I'm not sure how far asking for an investigation will get you.  In the end, as long as the votes were counted correctly,not tampered with in any way, then that's the result. They may even have tossed them out by now.   I can understand the distress this has caused, but there's no happy ending to it.  Honesty with your son could be the best policy. I think it's likely he got promises that weren't kept.  Someone else who stood may have swayed opinions after your son thought he'd secured his votes.

Could you write to the club asking for a thorough explanation, putting the points across, without telling your son?

In the meantime, perhaps tell him that whilst you understand his disappointment, things in life are not always fair and it's their loss.  As he is 14 though, he's not far off adulthood and you may need to accept this is something he needs to get to the bottom of himself as an exercise in independence.

Us Aspies have a strong sense of justice, and a need for correctness.  I understand him wanting to know why, because it doesn't make sense.