social interaction and small talk - why don't we learn?

Because the rules are not at all simple. It is a lot to remember whilst trying to do it at the same time. Many of us have such busy inner monologues, thinking about rules and speaking at the same time is a challenge, not to mention also processing what the other person is saying and thinking of a response at the same rime. The anxiety about is also very high which makes it more challenging. Not to mention it's purpose seems completely pointless so my motivation to master it probably isn't that high if I'm honest. 

I'll throw a question back to you. Do you think autistic people should always be learning, as you put it , basic skills to fit in more with the neurotypical world? Or do you think that neurotypical people should be meeting us in the middle and learning to communicate the way we do?

Expecto_Patronum said:

Do you think autistic people should always be learning, as you put it , basic skills to fit in more with the neurotypical world? Or do you think that neurotypical people should be meeting us in the middle and learning to communicate the way we do?

I look at it from the perspective of what people here keep saying about wanting to have friends, wanting to fit in, wanting to seem "normal".

For context, about 1 in 50 people are autistic and I would estimate about half have social interaction issues (this is just a guestimate), so about 1 in 100 struggle with this.

If you want to engage with others socially but don't know how then do you as the 1 person in a group of 100 expect the other 99 to change and adapt in order to make it easier for you? This seems both unreasonable and unrealistic when you look at it from a numbers perspective.

So should 1 make a lot of effort or should 99 make a reasonable effort?

Expecto_Patronum said:

the rules are not at all simple.

They actually are pretty simple, but it is having the capacity to consider them when under the stress of a social interaction that is difficult.

I find that expectation of so many to change for our benefit an interesting issue, hence why I started the thread to hear opinions.

I basically agree, but I do think many of us have a hardware issue that prevents us from picking up on non-verbal communication, however hard we try.

I basically agree, but I do think many of us have a hardware issue that prevents us from picking up on non-verbal communication, however hard we try.

Alien0n3arth said:

For me the biggest issue is reacting. I’m unable to share the emotions with others, to comfort someone etc

This connection to your emotions issue is quite common fo autists and one I had as well.

I worked on it with my therapist to initially identify my own emotions then work on empathy so I can try to see how others are feeling too - it is a useful tool socially but more importantly allows you to experience life in more depth.

I recently watched a couple of music videos by James Blunt (Monsters and The Girl Who Never Was) and was in tears at the end - that coming from someone who could go decades without crying even after losing a parent was quite something.

Building those connections to your emotions and feeling comfortable to feel bad stuff as well as good is quite an eye opener and a big improver of quality of life in my experience.

Oh and as an aside, it has had a marked improvement in my interactions with the opposite sex and I have had more romantic offers than ever before as I suspect being in touch with your emotions is a turn on for some women.

I can sometimes pick some cues, mostly because I have a good comparing, like I see some reaction in someone and I recall automatically that I already saw it in someone else I observed. For me the biggest issue is reacting. I’m unable to share the emotions with others, to comfort someone etc. my reactions were always “wooden” as I call it. Since my childhood I saw other kids being expressive and only I wasn’t and it caused me stress and self hatred. If someone tells me a story I look somewhere else and I imagine it in my head like a movie, I see the color of the kitchen counter and the cups on it in someone’s story but I don’t look that person in the eyes. Now I know why whenever i interact with someone and someone else appears, that person leaves me and forgets me immediately and start talking to the other person. 

A said:

I do think many of us have a hardware issue that prevents us from picking up on non-verbal communication, however hard we try.

I agree.

In keeping with the hardware analogy, I think it is possible for us to upgrade our firmware that controls the hardware though - I have done this and it sounds like I Sperg has managed it too.

Exercising self discipline to silence the inner monologue during the interactions seems to work well and gives you the bandwidth to analise the conversation to work out the appropriate response.

It isn't going to turn us into fluent conversationalists but helps us have much less friction in social situations and hold almost normal conversations with only the odd foot-in-mouth moment.

I use mindfulness and some applied meditation to silence the inner monologue in these situations.