social interaction and small talk - why don't we learn?

One thing I was thinking about today was how so many autists have issues with small talk and social interactions on a day-to-day basis.

This is a common autistic trait and I myself have suffered from it but what puzzles me is how so many come to understand it, have the understanding and capacity to learn about it (mostly via the internet or books) and yet won't learn how  to develop this fairly simple skill.

Is it because the "rules" of small talk are too complex to learn? I've read up on the subject and am pretty sure this is not the case.

Is it a confidence issue, a fear of social rejection issue, a demand avoidance issue or what?

I realise that in the current social inclusive environment we should be accepted for our differences, but that isn't really a message the 98% of non autists seem to have gotten in my experience.

The skills are pretty basic with straightforward rules so you would imagine this is right up most autists street yet some of the most capable autists I hear from here can't seem to come to grips with it to use it effectively.

I'm curious to hear your own thoughts as to why any of you still struggle with this.

Parents
  • For me it's about compromise. There are some situations where I am happy to do the boring thing of talking about the weather or pets or children before we get to the nitty gritty. At work, I'm probably less like this than when I am out in social/informal situations. The benefit of a bit of boredom on my part is that people want to maintain friendships when you are interested in this stuff (or at least interested enough to ask about it). Once you know it's important to the other person to say these things, you don't often have to listen to the answer. So I don't think I 'struggle' with it so much as 'learn different rules for different situations'.

    I met with a new colleague a couple of weeks ago, and she wanted to know people who would be good for her to contact, I wanted to know what her role was and how that could relate to the staff I support.

    Afterwards, I spoke to my office-mate who asked me "So what's her background?"

    I had no idea, we just got to the point of the meeting as soon as we sat down.

Reply
  • For me it's about compromise. There are some situations where I am happy to do the boring thing of talking about the weather or pets or children before we get to the nitty gritty. At work, I'm probably less like this than when I am out in social/informal situations. The benefit of a bit of boredom on my part is that people want to maintain friendships when you are interested in this stuff (or at least interested enough to ask about it). Once you know it's important to the other person to say these things, you don't often have to listen to the answer. So I don't think I 'struggle' with it so much as 'learn different rules for different situations'.

    I met with a new colleague a couple of weeks ago, and she wanted to know people who would be good for her to contact, I wanted to know what her role was and how that could relate to the staff I support.

    Afterwards, I spoke to my office-mate who asked me "So what's her background?"

    I had no idea, we just got to the point of the meeting as soon as we sat down.

Children
  • we just got to the point of the meeting as soon as we sat down.

    This was something I still get criticised for by my wife - she says it is common courtesy to take an interest in the person you are interacting with and to ask them about themselves.

    I used to say I just don't care so why should I want to know - I'm there for a purpose and wasting their time on small talk is disrespectful.

    For me a lot of this came from spending decades in roles where I was so busy that I rarely had time for small talk so it was reducing my efficiency. I get that it is a "nice thing" to do, but I have my job to look after (I was often a contractor so it was easy to get rid of me if management didn't like my performance).

    I also tend to take on more than is reasonable for a workload, and then manage to deliver but that comes at the expense of time for this sort of stuff.

    After all these decades, I think the lesson is - play their game to blend in. Performance is less important than being a good fit in a team and keeping your customers happy. I always underestimated this until my last few years in work.

    You need to do the same social crud with your boss - make a mental note of their background, stories and interests as well as recent events. Simply recalling a detail and ask something "how is your son getting on after he broke his leg?" means a lot to most neurotypicals. It adds to our camouflage and gets the few traits that show to be forgiven more often than not.

    Just my observations.