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Something I wrote nearly 20 years before the diagnosis

firemonkey
2 months ago

'Do any of you have difficulty in making small talk? Initiating conversations
with other people and developing relationships from conversations. Do you
have difficulty with the processes involved and find it difficult to know
which is the right way to interact with others.As if you are questioning
your emotional responses and are not sure whether your emotional responses
are adequate/relevant to the situation in hand.As if you find it difficult
to know how to react to a given situation or to other people.
. I find it difficult to initiate conversations and have always found it
difficult to form relationships even platonic ones. Sometimes i find it
difficult to know how to respond to a given situation -it is though i have
difficulty reading the signals and it is not always easy to give an
appropriate emotional response. I often feel that i am different from other
people that somehow i am lacking in some way that i find it difficult to
identify with them- it is as if i am a stranger looking in on an environment
that he is not used to and does not know how to respond to. However i would
not say that my emotions are flattened -It is just that i find the whole
emotional process a little hard to fathom a fair amount of the time. A lot
of the time i think i am emotionally disabled and have been for more years
than i can remember.'

30 Jan 2000

  • 2 months ago in reply to firemonkey

    That’s great. Life is a quite amazing in many ways. You survived all those years not knowing you were autistic and now you seem to have reached a place of peace and contentment. Eventually one must accept his circumstances for better of for worse. You eventually learn that there is no use fighting it anymore. What will be will be. I suppose we all go through physical health issues too. So you’re not alone there. Especially with the passage of time our bodies don’t work like they used to and it makes us realise how precious our time here on earth truly is. You want to be remembered you know? At least I do. I want people to remember me for the good times and not the bad times. There were many good times in my life as I am sure there was for you. My teenage years are long gone but I will always look back on them feeling no regret and just appreciating where I have come from. I can’t go back and change anything everything will stay how it was for better or for worse. My story is but one of billions of human stories on earth. Yours too is just as valuable.

  • 2 months ago in reply to Yellow tree 118

    I'm doing better mentally than I have done since my early-mid teens. I have good support from my daughter and granddaughters, and live as stress free life as possible. They help with the everyday practical tasks that I struggle with as an autistic person.  Things are a bit  stressful at present due to the forthcoming total teeth extraction . I'm worried about how painful it will be. Long term though things will be much better.

    Whilst I'm doing better as described above, my physical health has gone in the opposite direction. Despite a hip replacement in December 2021, due to a broken femur, I've not returned to my pre fall level of  mobility, and still experience quite a lot of pain. I don't think the 7 weeks from the falls to getting an xray showing the pain wasn't psychological helped . Added to the mobility issue,in no particular order: Barretts oesophagus, premature osteoporosis,lymphoedema,atrial fibrillation, low vit d, rheumatoid arthritis,mild scoliosis and the all too typical autistic bowel problems.

    Fortunately  I'm doing well for my age,cognitively (those of us with schizophrenia or schizoaffective are at increased risk of getting dementia). I  have lots of good scores on high range IQ tests, including those created by psychometricians.

  • 2 months ago

    Wow that was so insightful. Thank you so much for sharing! It’s great to have a piece of writing from someone with autism from the year 2000 I mean it’s such a long time ago. Can I ask how you are getting in now in the year 2024?

  • 2 months ago

    Could be a heartfelt description of me. It is amazing how we all feel as if we somehow do not belong. I really struggle to make small talk so I now know I masked this with being a moaner about every little thing. That didn't bode well for me in my career where brown nosers and arselickers seem to fair well.

  • 2 months ago

    Wow! That's amazing and it is great that you still have it.