Published on 12, July, 2020
You've probably seen it on social media. Thousands of people circling around someone to call them out, believing they are doing the right thing, without considering the potential wider impact.
Someone makes a mistake, the world is talking about them and begging them to make an apology. They make an apology and they get screamed at even more.
Those getting involved will be all "I would never have done that", ignoring their own mistakes which are likely to be considered reprehensible to someone.
Look up the story of Justine Sacco, as that's quite a big example. This goes into more detail: https://www.childline.ie/the-mental-health-effects-of-social-media-pile-ons/
I found myself in the middle of this last year. Two things can be right at the same time - the person has done wrong, but tearing them to shreds is not going to make it better. While some people close to me kindly called me out (and rightly so), others who weren't party to the situation were sticking their oars in. I think they enjoyed it. I couldn't do anything about it, I had to just sit there and deal with my life being on fire while others were throwing gasoline on it.
It was strangers validating every negative thought I ever had about myself. Suddenly I'm like "oh I am a piece of ***" and I had to deal with the fact that, for the first time ever, I was genuinely unlikeable. I had to sit with that and it was a very dark time.
There's been a lot of learning and stuff like that since. I'm a better person now. However, I've never dealt with it very well. I'm angry with myself and the world.
I'm lucky to have a therapist but I don't talk to anyone else about it. Whenever I have tried, they have either not understood or just been like "move on and forget about it", which to me is code for "just shut up". It's so frustrating because I don't think it's difficult for anyone to understand, but it's like no one wants to.
It doesn't matter how far away I am from it, it still haunts me. Ask anyone who has been in the same position and they'll say the same thing.
HMO said:It doesn't matter how far away I am from it, it still haunts me.
There will probably be times in most autists lifes when we do something that we have tremendous regrets about and end up in a similar mental "sticky patch" such as you are in.
I've been there and while it took years to realise it - "move on and forget about it" is exactly what helps.
You need to learn to forgive yourself and this is something your therapist should be able to help you develop the tools to do this.
Acceptance of the things we cannot change is a key survival trait. You cannot go back and change it and you cannot undo the damage done so learn from it, accept your mistakes and don't repeat them.
With this weight lifted life becomes a lot less of a drag and you can start building confidence again.
That would be my hard earned advice.
To err is human but to make a monumental mess up takes a politician.
I've had a lot of anger that I've not processed properly, so I end up lashing out in other ways.
Imagine feeling that the world is waiting for you to show your face again just to push you back into the hole that you've spent the last year in. The feeling that everyone is waiting for you to screw up. Imagine having to deal with all of these feelings entirely on your own and not a single person (bar your therapist) is willing to validate that.
"Just don't make the mistake again" isn't enough. So many times in these situations, people firmly believe that your mistakes will define your life. The idea that people don't change. If that's true, why don't we start executing people? It'd be less painful, if anything.
I wish I could just hide away and not live much of a life. It's so much less stressful, not having to interact with others who would prefer I be killed if I accidentally offended them.
I get that HMO, being treated like a Whackamole, sometimes you're allowed out long enough to scuttle around and start feeling safe and then you pounced on and the whole sorry saga starts again.
I think that many people idea of justice is indulgence for themselves and punishment for everyone else. It's even worse when they gt together and all decide this collectively and scape goat you. The reason they let you out of your burrow again is because they want you back because their lives haven't got better, getting rid of you didn't take all the problems away, because they problems lie with them not you.
I also understand the anger, shock and outrage and how there's no where to go with it, it can make you doubt reality, there have been times when I've wondered if I sufered some sort of amnesia or have an unknown evil twin.
I must admit that hermeticism is a thing that appeasl to me, the idea of just not having to deal with people again really appeals. It appeals to the point where if I want something done I get a professional in to do it, although that dosen't always work people still try and tell me what I really want thats the exact oppostite of what I've asked for.
It's so frustrating because I've tried so hard to get people to understand just how traumatic it is and me actually being away from the situation doesn't make much of a difference.
It was mainly strangers weighing in, who knew nothing about me. Just a snapshot of me at my absolute worst. On the one hand, I know that their opinion means nothing to me. I'd never come to them for advice.
However, I just believe that people would listen to other people's opinions of me over my own account. My own defence of myself, not my actions obviously.
It's complicated because I know that anyone who didn't take part in the mob would have gotten attacked themselves. Maybe they didn't feel like they had a choice.
I know I don't have to impress those people. However, I feel like they have full control. There's not a single person who is like "I care about you, and who you actually are, not some twisted caricature that's been created".
I do understand your analogies and I think that unless you've experienced something like this, its really hard to even imagine the pain, self doubt and confusion.
You are not a mess, the situation is a mess and I know it's hard but you have to seperate yourself from the situation. Some people don't want you to get better, they like having a friend who they feel is worse than them in some way, more sick, less "pretty", less confident and when the friend starts to heal they cause all sort of problems, broken confidences, physical and verbal attacks, attacks on your possessions, anything to make worse again so as they can feel superior.
It happens with couples too, both are unhappy or ill in some way and when one starts to get better the other will get sicker so as to demand the attention and resourses of the healthier one and they will do it until that person breaks. It's like taking it in turns to be sick, but the thing they're turning around is sickness.
Just because people have a particular neurology dosen't make them immune to being horrible, especially to thier own kind. People get pleasure from the suffering of others, theres a German word, Sachdenfruede, it means the enjoyment of anothers pain or discomfort, whats worse is humans seem to have this feeling hardwired into us.