Published on 12, July, 2020
You've probably seen it on social media. Thousands of people circling around someone to call them out, believing they are doing the right thing, without considering the potential wider impact.
Someone makes a mistake, the world is talking about them and begging them to make an apology. They make an apology and they get screamed at even more.
Those getting involved will be all "I would never have done that", ignoring their own mistakes which are likely to be considered reprehensible to someone.
Look up the story of Justine Sacco, as that's quite a big example. This goes into more detail: https://www.childline.ie/the-mental-health-effects-of-social-media-pile-ons/
I found myself in the middle of this last year. Two things can be right at the same time - the person has done wrong, but tearing them to shreds is not going to make it better. While some people close to me kindly called me out (and rightly so), others who weren't party to the situation were sticking their oars in. I think they enjoyed it. I couldn't do anything about it, I had to just sit there and deal with my life being on fire while others were throwing gasoline on it.
It was strangers validating every negative thought I ever had about myself. Suddenly I'm like "oh I am a piece of ***" and I had to deal with the fact that, for the first time ever, I was genuinely unlikeable. I had to sit with that and it was a very dark time.
There's been a lot of learning and stuff like that since. I'm a better person now. However, I've never dealt with it very well. I'm angry with myself and the world.
I'm lucky to have a therapist but I don't talk to anyone else about it. Whenever I have tried, they have either not understood or just been like "move on and forget about it", which to me is code for "just shut up". It's so frustrating because I don't think it's difficult for anyone to understand, but it's like no one wants to.
It doesn't matter how far away I am from it, it still haunts me. Ask anyone who has been in the same position and they'll say the same thing.
HMO said:It doesn't matter how far away I am from it, it still haunts me.
There will probably be times in most autists lifes when we do something that we have tremendous regrets about and end up in a similar mental "sticky patch" such as you are in.
I've been there and while it took years to realise it - "move on and forget about it" is exactly what helps.
You need to learn to forgive yourself and this is something your therapist should be able to help you develop the tools to do this.
Acceptance of the things we cannot change is a key survival trait. You cannot go back and change it and you cannot undo the damage done so learn from it, accept your mistakes and don't repeat them.
With this weight lifted life becomes a lot less of a drag and you can start building confidence again.
That would be my hard earned advice.
To err is human but to make a monumental mess up takes a politician.
I've had a lot of anger that I've not processed properly, so I end up lashing out in other ways.
Imagine feeling that the world is waiting for you to show your face again just to push you back into the hole that you've spent the last year in. The feeling that everyone is waiting for you to screw up. Imagine having to deal with all of these feelings entirely on your own and not a single person (bar your therapist) is willing to validate that.
"Just don't make the mistake again" isn't enough. So many times in these situations, people firmly believe that your mistakes will define your life. The idea that people don't change. If that's true, why don't we start executing people? It'd be less painful, if anything.
I wish I could just hide away and not live much of a life. It's so much less stressful, not having to interact with others who would prefer I be killed if I accidentally offended them.