Published on 12, July, 2020
You've probably seen it on social media. Thousands of people circling around someone to call them out, believing they are doing the right thing, without considering the potential wider impact.
Someone makes a mistake, the world is talking about them and begging them to make an apology. They make an apology and they get screamed at even more.
Those getting involved will be all "I would never have done that", ignoring their own mistakes which are likely to be considered reprehensible to someone.
Look up the story of Justine Sacco, as that's quite a big example. This goes into more detail: https://www.childline.ie/the-mental-health-effects-of-social-media-pile-ons/
I found myself in the middle of this last year. Two things can be right at the same time - the person has done wrong, but tearing them to shreds is not going to make it better. While some people close to me kindly called me out (and rightly so), others who weren't party to the situation were sticking their oars in. I think they enjoyed it. I couldn't do anything about it, I had to just sit there and deal with my life being on fire while others were throwing gasoline on it.
It was strangers validating every negative thought I ever had about myself. Suddenly I'm like "oh I am a piece of ***" and I had to deal with the fact that, for the first time ever, I was genuinely unlikeable. I had to sit with that and it was a very dark time.
There's been a lot of learning and stuff like that since. I'm a better person now. However, I've never dealt with it very well. I'm angry with myself and the world.
I'm lucky to have a therapist but I don't talk to anyone else about it. Whenever I have tried, they have either not understood or just been like "move on and forget about it", which to me is code for "just shut up". It's so frustrating because I don't think it's difficult for anyone to understand, but it's like no one wants to.
It doesn't matter how far away I am from it, it still haunts me. Ask anyone who has been in the same position and they'll say the same thing.
HMO said:It doesn't matter how far away I am from it, it still haunts me.
There will probably be times in most autists lifes when we do something that we have tremendous regrets about and end up in a similar mental "sticky patch" such as you are in.
I've been there and while it took years to realise it - "move on and forget about it" is exactly what helps.
You need to learn to forgive yourself and this is something your therapist should be able to help you develop the tools to do this.
Acceptance of the things we cannot change is a key survival trait. You cannot go back and change it and you cannot undo the damage done so learn from it, accept your mistakes and don't repeat them.
With this weight lifted life becomes a lot less of a drag and you can start building confidence again.
That would be my hard earned advice.
To err is human but to make a monumental mess up takes a politician.
I've had a lot of anger that I've not processed properly, so I end up lashing out in other ways.
Imagine feeling that the world is waiting for you to show your face again just to push you back into the hole that you've spent the last year in. The feeling that everyone is waiting for you to screw up. Imagine having to deal with all of these feelings entirely on your own and not a single person (bar your therapist) is willing to validate that.
"Just don't make the mistake again" isn't enough. So many times in these situations, people firmly believe that your mistakes will define your life. The idea that people don't change. If that's true, why don't we start executing people? It'd be less painful, if anything.
I wish I could just hide away and not live much of a life. It's so much less stressful, not having to interact with others who would prefer I be killed if I accidentally offended them.
HMO said:The idea that people don't change. If that's true, why don't we start executing people? It'd be less painful, if anything.
That is dark! I get it though.
HMO said:Imagine feeling that the world is waiting for you to show your face again just to push you back into the hole that you've spent the last year in. The feeling that everyone is waiting for you to screw up.
Do you plan to be a hermit for the rest of your days? If not then you will have to deal with this sooner of later. Tear off that band-aid and get it over with and people will have their say then move on to something else.
You may carry the stigma of whatever was said for a while but people do forget with time and if it was something said online then memories are much shorter. You probably credit them with more resentment that is actually there.
It sounds like your therapist isn't really helping you process this anger / frustration so have you considered changing for one who is more capable?
I do overthink. She knows it. I went through a period of making notes prior to each session and having them up on screen during it, but it eventually made me more anxious so I just didn't bother anymore.
Sometimes it's easier to just jump into it, which is probably going to have to be my next course of action.
If people are unforgiving now, they'll be even more unforgiving if I screw up again. People are hardly on the fence with me; they don't like me, and word will spread so that even if I meet someone who was completely unconnected to what happened, they will make a judgement and not even give me the opportunity.
The analogy I tend to use is if you knew someone who was struggling with drug addiction (and had perhaps strained relationships), your course of action would not be to publicly shame them. You'd stage an intervention and make sure they get the help they need. You can't leave someone to deal with it on their own and then act surprised that they're a complete mess. Having loads of social media users screaming at someone "you're a disgrace, get help, stay away from people" is not actually going to help, as those people are not coming at it from a place of "I'm saying this because I want you to get better".
I needed something like that. Of course, it required me to identify the struggles I had instead of ignoring them, because how I was behaving at the time was not too dissimilar to an addiction. I was self-destructing.
People were criticising me for things that I often wondered if they expected me to transcend autism. I did this to myself too ("I should have picked up on that" - HOW?). I don't care how pissed off you are with me, you don't get to do that, and do a 20 minute YouTube video airing my dirty laundry knowing that I would not be able to respond. I don't think that's something you can expect someone to just brush off.
My therapist is well aware of my attachment and how I've inevitably latched onto the only person to really support me over the last year. I don't believe it has impacted things, she knows of my struggles with anger. She knows that I can get so angry that I want to hurt others for the hurt they caused me, and I know that it's something that needs work. I'll see whether I can actually be fully open in our next session.
HMO said:because I don't have the word
Take your time and write it all out - start with a few words and then surround that with what connects to it. Expand it daily and keep coming back to it - rewrite it again and again until your words make sentences and eventually paragraphs - then send this to her and let her open it up and probe for detail.
By this stage you should have bridged the connection between the concious and subconcious brain and be able to relate to it in therapy.
HMO said:I don't want to screw up socially again.
We all do - to different degrees and frequencties, but we can learn from it, improve our social skills and build out standing over time. It is worth the effort to grow and learn from our mistakes if nothing else.
If you really can't do this then consider moving to a different county - start over with different friends and a new online persona and be more cautious with what you post on social media.
This is a bit of a nuclear option but it works.
HMO said:It has led to me being pretty attached to her.
Does she know this? I would strongly recommend changing therapists if you are getting to this stage as your relationship (one sided as it is) will only cloud your judgement and stop you sharing your darkest aspects with her out of fear of being judged - ironic, isn't it?
Sorry I'm not bringing the unicorns and rainbows today but I find blunt talking is more effective than just saying "sorry to hear it". My intent it to try to offer helpful advice and not put you down.
It's a weird one because I've been able to open up about pretty much everything else, but in terms of my deepest, darkest struggles, I've not been able to. Not because I'm afraid she will judge, but because I don't have the words.
How do I explain that I feel like my life is still on pause and that I have no control over my own life, how do I explain that the world made it very clear that I'm not welcome, and that I don't matter etc.
It has led to me being pretty attached to her. I know she's only ever gonna be my therapist etc but it would be so much easier if she was my friend. At least I wouldn't have to do much, it's all there already.
I don't want to screw up socially again. I have seen just how lethal it can be, where my whole life had a magnifying glass on it.
HMO said:I'm too embarrassed to talk about some of these frustrations with her, but I know that I'll have to bring some of it up in our next session. Mainly because something came up in our last session which has led to this spiralling.
It is really helpful to be soul baringly open with your therapist as they are the ones who need to see into the dark places causing us harm in order to guide us out.
It is not easy and can scare you senseless - I've been through similar with mine and it took that opening up to help understand the root causes of some of my issues.
It can feel unbearable in the run up to it, almost traumatic to do it but in the aftermath if you really trust them then it will feel as if you have an ally to help take on the darkness - one with the right tools for the job.
And they don't judge - plus they have a confidentiality agreement, so it stays between you two.
I could do. It's less likely that I'll hurt myself or others. Whenever I've tried to do something that could move things forward, I've regretted it. I filmed a YouTube video a few weeks ago and I was happy enough, but I couldn't bring myself to share it. Mainly because of the inevitable abuse and "do not watch his videos because he behaved badly last year" and I have zero protection of that.
I have very little to go on apart from "everyone was extremely angry and they will be extremely angry for the rest of their lives because 'the internet never forgets'...". After all, someone did say that they'll never forget.
My therapist is great for many things. I've never really utilised our sessions for dealing with the anger; basically I'm too embarrassed to talk about some of these frustrations with her, but I know that I'll have to bring some of it up in our next session. Mainly because something came up in our last session which has led to this spiralling.