Weekend Moods?

Memories also play an active role as well as loss.

I do feel lately I've been aware of grieving for what could have been and now, maybe, never will!

I'm sure shame is in there somewhere but it's not always obvious. Maybe it's shame around feeling defective and not included.

Though even when I felt included, which wasn't ever a given, that in itself raised it's own struggles.

Yes, other peoples fun can open up the wounds for me but as you say, some of it is probably fake.

Yes, summer can add to the pressure.

Funny enough, although I used to hate Monday's and the new week, I now look forward to them.

Agree with you, it is often illusory but the little snapshots of illusion still have a big impact on me. Bank holidays are the same for me too and I remember when everything was closed on a Sunday, going to church which I hated and school the next day, a big dread.

Weekends have a different routine and I like my little routines that punctuate my weekdays.

When I was younger whether single or not I didn't like weekends as either my now ex husband would sit there like a lump and not do anything, my friends were always taken up with family stuff so I often felt lonely and left out. Bank holidays were the same, I'd dread them, days of watching other people having "fun" whilst mine where empty. I later realised that the fun I thought everyone else was having was largely illusory and made up by advertisers.

Sundays used to be awful, nothing open, compulsory visiting of grandparents every second week, then back to school the next day, Ohh joy...not.

Yes, my moods can be different on the weekend. Usually Sunday is the worst day for me, like I get a lot of anxiety and then I'm feeling really down. I think it's because a new week is about to start and then my brain is kind of like oh god what's going to happen this week? What if... blah blah blah..

I'm terrible for worrying and it makes my anxiety really triggered and difficult.

But in general my anxiety affects my mood all the time anyway. Though it does seem worse during the weekend, especially on Sundays.

In his informative book SHAME: Free Yourself, Find Joy and Build True Self-Esteem [pgs. 47-48] — which involves the various forms/degrees of shame, including the especially emotionally/mentally crippling life curse known as “core shame” — Dr. Joseph Burgo writes:

“When brain development goes awry, the baby senses on the deepest level of his being that something is terribly wrong — with his world and with himself. As the psychoanalyst James Grotstein has described it, ‘These damaged children seem to sense that there is something neurodevelopmentally wrong with them, and they feel a deep sense of shame about themselves as a result.’

“Throughout my work I have referred to this experience as ‘core shame.’ It is both intense and global. Under conditions that depart widely from the norm, shame also becomes structural, an integral part of developing child’s felt self. Rather than feeling beautiful and worthy of love, these children come to feel defective, ugly, broken, and unlovable.”

I exist daily with a formidable combination of adverse childhood experience trauma, autism spectrum disorder and high sensitivity, the ACE trauma in large part being due to my ASD and high sensitivity. [I self-deprecatingly refer to it as my perfect storm of train wrecks.]

Coexisting with and seriously complicating this vicious combination is the abovementioned “core shame”.

While my father had an ASD about which he wasn't formally aware, I believe that my mother had suffered a nervous breakdowns and perhaps even postpartum depression around the time I was born. If so, it likely would have excluded shared/joyful interaction with me as an infant.

It all would help explain why I have always felt oddly uncomfortable sharing my accomplishments with others, including those closest to me. And maybe explain my otherwise inexplicable almost-painful inability to accept compliments, which I had always attributed to extreme modesty.

Dr. Burgo’s “core shame” concept could help explain why I’ve also inexplicably yet consistently felt unlovable. Largely due to ASD traits that rubbed against the grain of social normality thus clearly unappreciated by others, my unlikability was for me confirmed.

My avoidance of social interaction and even simple smiles at seemingly-interested females was undoubtedly misperceived as snobbery. The bitter irony was that I was actually feeling the opposite of conceit or even healthy self-image and -esteem.

weekends used to be good when i was at school, when i left school they became just a normal day as i was unemployed, so nothing special and i lost track of days. never went out then anyway.

now i work, weekends or any day off i get is good and feels good again. i still rarely go out aside from food shopping, i did a random walk down canal today but i dont go out very often, i probably should as i think my cardio is starting to go down a bit so will likely get ontop of that a bit and organise going out for my quick paced walks or even a run to blast my cardio from all the left over mucus from my last flu i had. i feel the mucus always stays around in your airways until you blast it with a run.

anyways as for other people doing their social thing, it actually makes me feel happy for some reason i think... i walk past bars and fast food places if i go the long way to tesco and hear people socialising and having their fun and it makes me feel good i suppose.... maybe less isolated. probably the closest i can be to that kind of social stuff. i think at one point in my life other peoples happiness used to annoy me at one point but hat changed, i think perhaps i realise people arnt actually really happy, the celebrities and people on tv being portrayed as overly happy still annoys me, i guess its fakeness that annoys me and i can perceive fakeness on some level perhaps.

I get that. It's more pronounced in the summer. I feel like I should be doing something fun.

It's not that I don't want to either, I just struggle with the willpower.