Christmas and visitors

Hi Bees,

thank you for your lovely kind words and your understanding and empathy - I appreciate that so much x

I do try my best but I often feel I’m falling short in lots of ways. I don’t cope very well with lots of things in life - mainly due to autistic traits I have I now realise. I get overwhelmed easily and get so anxious. Today my phone rang three times and I couldn’t even face answering the phone. Not ideal! 
You’re right - however much you might theoretically want to do something if the stress of doing it makes you ill then it can’t be the right thing to do really can it? And I hate that lurching feeling I keep getting it my stomach even just thinking about making a decision over the this. 

Like you I feel so grateful to be able to share things on here because people do understand. That means a lot. Thank you.

Hi Kate  

You sound a really lovely sort of person, the sort of person who will always put others first even when you know it will set you back and make you sad and ill. That's a really thoughtful thing to do. It sounds like the sort of things mums do...my own mum is the exact same always doing for others than herself.

Only you can choose what you do regarding this so I hope whatever you do you still manage to look after yourself and do self care. That's really important or you'll be ill and possibly burnout which I've read is a really bad thing to happen.

I'm so sorry you grew up with your parents not knowing and understanding about why you were different. I'm so glad you know now and hopefully get a lot of reassurance and support on this forum. I'm really lucky to have had a early diagnosis and be fully supported and understood by my mum and dad...I really appreciate all they do for me.

I'm also really glad to have found this forum because I can talk to people like you who are lovely and understand which makes a huge difference.

My youngest son doesn’t enjoy having children around too - too noisy and unpredictable! 

Hi Bees,

Thank you for your very kind and thoughtful reply. It’s great that your parents are understanding - that’s wonderful. My parents didn’t know I was autistic and I think they just viewed my strugggles with things as me just being ‘silly’ or weird - they didn’t understand and I only got my diagnosis recently. They had no understanding of autism and I didn’t even know I was autistic until about 7 years ago.

Youre right that I shouldn’t feel bad about prioritising my health and happiness - that’s true. Often I feel guilty about putting my needs first. But sometimes the cost of ignoring your own mental health needs is very high - and that’s what’s happening here I think. I feel I SHOULD do this and in most ways I WANT to host my lovely relative, but I just feel so stressed about it. Then I wear myself out worrying about it and trying to decide what’s best. Not good. 
It really does help to come on here and talk to people who really do understand. Thank you x

Hi Sparkly,

Thank you so much for this reply. It’s so nice to know that other people can relate to this as sometimes I feel like a failure for struggling so much with things like this. Your words are very wise and it’s helped me to read them. You’re right - I feel sure my relative wouldn’t want to cause me lots of stress and anxiety. And we could still see each other in a different location at a different time. I deeply wish I could welcome them though - in an ideal world I would. I’ve always struggled with having people come to my home - I just can’t relax when other people come here - no matter how much I like and love them. Thanks for your help x 

not had a christmas at my flat yet, but the only visitors id likely have is my parents.

the only problem visitors id ever imagine would be people who have children because children trash everything and spread germs.

I feel your pain and anxiety with this. Every year we have relatives come to us...and we also have to go to other relatives like a double whammy of dread and doom lolol  the whole idea makes me crazy anxious. My mum and dad are understanding of my autism and struggles though and come Christmas if I'm not up to seeing anyone at home mum said she can tell them that someone's ill and not to come over.

My mum said to me my health and happiness is more important so I think Kate you need to do the same. I'm a people pleaser to and last year I decided to have relatives over and OMG I regretted it after! I had headaches, lots of pain everywhere, bad tummy and I was really tired.

I think you should definitely put yourself first Kate. Your happiness and health is the most important thing. Anxiety is horrible and it can be crushing and suffocating. Don't let it make you ill.

I'm really sorry you suffer from anxiety. I'm trying meditation actually to see if it helps.

It has been a long, long time since any of my relatives have visited my home over Christmas. The only people who have stayed overnight at my house have been the likes of close friends of myself and my son, and a couple of ex-boyfriends. Since my dad died just over 4½ years ago, my son and I have spent all but one Christmas at home (just the two of us). We are aware that at some point we will probably need to do the decent thing and start inviting my mother over for Christmas dinner... a prospect we both dread. If my dad was still alive, we wouldn't have as much of an issue with hosting Christmas.

I appreciate that you do not want to hurt the feelings of the dearly loved relative who would like to stay with you. If you were to explain the situation to them, do you think they would understand? Is it possible that you could arrange to visit them at some point over Christmas? I don't necessarily mean for an overnight stay, but at least it would give your relative and you an opportunity to see each other and spend some time together. It would be a compromise, of sorts.

Whilst I obviously don't know your relative, I am sure they would hate to think of you getting stressed and unwell, and feeling like you couldn't relax in your own home if they did stay.