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Christmas and visitors

Kate Kestrel

Is anybody else on here feeling stressed about Christmas and having relatives coming to your house?

Since the pandemic we are even more uncomfortable than we were before (and we were never keen to put it mildly) with having people come into our home - especially in the winter when there’s lots of viruses around. Two people in our household are more vulnerable to infections and that’s a factor, but we also find it really hard to relax with anyone visiting and our house is very small so it’s all a bit crowded with even one or two visitors. 
The thing is we have a family member who we love dearly who wants to come and stay, but the thought of it is causing me so much stress. However I don’t want to hurt their feelings or be unwelcoming. But I’m just so stressed about it that I’m starting to feel quite ill over it. I don’t know what to do. 
Is anybody else struggling with this? 
And anyone have any good advice to share about how to handle this situation? 
thanks :) 

Parents

  • I feel your pain and anxiety with this. Every year we have relatives come to us...and we also have to go to other relatives like a double whammy of dread and doom lolol Joy the whole idea makes me crazy anxious. My mum and dad are understanding of my autism and struggles though and come Christmas if I'm not up to seeing anyone at home mum said she can tell them that someone's ill and not to come over.

    My mum said to me my health and happiness is more important so I think Kate you need to do the same. I'm a people pleaser to and last year I decided to have relatives over and OMG I regretted it after! I had headaches, lots of pain everywhere, bad tummy and I was really tired.

    I think you should definitely put yourself first Kate. Your happiness and health is the most important thing. Anxiety is horrible and it can be crushing and suffocating. Don't let it make you ill.

    I'm really sorry you suffer from anxiety. I'm trying meditation actually to see if it helps.

  • in reply to Bees

    Hi Bees,

    Thank you for your very kind and thoughtful reply. It’s great that your parents are understanding - that’s wonderful. My parents didn’t know I was autistic and I think they just viewed my strugggles with things as me just being ‘silly’ or weird - they didn’t understand and I only got my diagnosis recently. They had no understanding of autism and I didn’t even know I was autistic until about 7 years ago.

    Youre right that I shouldn’t feel bad about prioritising my health and happiness - that’s true. Often I feel guilty about putting my needs first. But sometimes the cost of ignoring your own mental health needs is very high - and that’s what’s happening here I think. I feel I SHOULD do this and in most ways I WANT to host my lovely relative, but I just feel so stressed about it. Then I wear myself out worrying about it and trying to decide what’s best. Not good. 
    It really does help to come on here and talk to people who really do understand. Thank you x

Reply
  • in reply to Bees

    Hi Bees,

    Thank you for your very kind and thoughtful reply. It’s great that your parents are understanding - that’s wonderful. My parents didn’t know I was autistic and I think they just viewed my strugggles with things as me just being ‘silly’ or weird - they didn’t understand and I only got my diagnosis recently. They had no understanding of autism and I didn’t even know I was autistic until about 7 years ago.

    Youre right that I shouldn’t feel bad about prioritising my health and happiness - that’s true. Often I feel guilty about putting my needs first. But sometimes the cost of ignoring your own mental health needs is very high - and that’s what’s happening here I think. I feel I SHOULD do this and in most ways I WANT to host my lovely relative, but I just feel so stressed about it. Then I wear myself out worrying about it and trying to decide what’s best. Not good. 
    It really does help to come on here and talk to people who really do understand. Thank you x

Children
  • in reply to Bees

    Hi Bees,

    thank you for your lovely kind words and your understanding and empathy - I appreciate that so much x

    I do try my best but I often feel I’m falling short in lots of ways. I don’t cope very well with lots of things in life - mainly due to autistic traits I have I now realise. I get overwhelmed easily and get so anxious. Today my phone rang three times and I couldn’t even face answering the phone. Not ideal! 
    You’re right - however much you might theoretically want to do something if the stress of doing it makes you ill then it can’t be the right thing to do really can it? And I hate that lurching feeling I keep getting it my stomach even just thinking about making a decision over the this. 

    Like you I feel so grateful to be able to share things on here because people do understand. That means a lot. Thank you.

  • in reply to Kate Kestrel

    Hi Kate Slight smile 

    You sound a really lovely sort of person, the sort of person who will always put others first even when you know it will set you back and make you sad and ill. That's a really thoughtful thing to do. It sounds like the sort of things mums do...my own mum is the exact same always doing for others than herself.

    Only you can choose what you do regarding this so I hope whatever you do you still manage to look after yourself and do self care. That's really important or you'll be ill and possibly burnout which I've read is a really bad thing to happen.

    I'm so sorry you grew up with your parents not knowing and understanding about why you were different. I'm so glad you know now and hopefully get a lot of reassurance and support on this forum. I'm really lucky to have had a early diagnosis and be fully supported and understood by my mum and dad...I really appreciate all they do for me.

    I'm also really glad to have found this forum because I can talk to people like you who are lovely and understand which makes a huge difference.