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getting kicked out for being too autistic

elliot

i’m 20 and on the verge of getting kicked out of my dads house for being too visibly autistic. he believes autism is a behavioural problem and that i deliberately choose to mask ‘when it suits me’. he says he will not tolerate rudeness or passive aggression anymore (his idea of this is when i don’t make eye contact or small talk, and when my tone of voice isn’t ‘polite enough’) … granted these things are easier for me in certain situations but we already have a lot of issues in our relationship due to past abuse & him basically being a huge misogynist who 100% believes i am unstable and need to be disciplined into normality. 

my mum is being somewhat helpful but they are divorced and do not live together, and she also faced horrendous abuse from him and he has no interest in listening to her when she tries to advocate for me. right now she is trying to help me sort financial support and housing because i am completely unable to work or leave the house on my own or even contact services myself to access support. i am essentially trapped in my own home trying to hide all visible signs of autism because i know one slip up could leave me homeless - i have nowhere else to go, my mum has no room for me and i have no other family. 

I’ve never been more genuinely terrified for my future. i don’t feel able to live on my own yet, there are a thousand things i can’t do independently which include even the most mundane of household tasks, and i have nobody to support me. i also fear that in being forced to leave and be permanently on my own before i’m ready my mental health will rapidly decline and i might fall into old dangerous habits, i worry i will never talk to another person again, i will have no money and be unable to eat, have no friends, no chance at a relationship, and being unable to drive and having a chronic phobia of public transport (it sounds silly i know, but i cannot even look at a bus without nausea) will leave me trapped on my own unable to even go out into the community on my own.

i know nobody can really help but i desperately needed to talk about it 

  • if you lived more than 10 or so years in that property then you have housing rights there and he cant kick you out actually...

    but yeah, its hard living with people like that. definitely need some way of getting your own place but thats the hard thing isnt it...
    my dad always was harrassive too and made it difficult to live in parents, infact if my flat purchase fell through and failed i was going to leave myself anyway as i couldnt take living there much longer.

    so you have rights to live there and he cant actually kick you out as you have rights if you lived there for a certain amount of years, as much rights as he has infact. so he cant kick you out by law.

  • Dear Elliot,

    We are really sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time at the moment.

    Organisations such as Shelter have online chats and helplines that can offer housing advice.

    If you are having a difficult time, you can call the Samaritans any time, day or night, on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org

    Other helplines and listening services:

    • Mind Infoline: 0300 1233393 for information and signposting (9am to 6pm, Monday to Friday)
    • SANEline: 0300 304 7000 for anyone experiencing a mental health problem or supporting someone else (4.30pm to 10.30pm, every day)
    • Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM)– for men 0800 58 58 58, (5pm to midnight every day).  
    • Shout 85258a free, confidential, 24/7 text messaging support service for anyone who is struggling to cope.

    If you feel you need more urgent help, our website lists some options you could consider https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/urgent-help 

    Kind Regards,

    Rosie Mod

  • Hi Elliot. 

    I am so sorry to hear that you're having such a difficult time, it sounds truly awful. 

    I'm afraid I don't have any practical solutions for you, but I just wanted you t know that I have read your message and I really care about what happens to you. People here care and will listen to you. 

    Your mum sounds supportive, so lean on that - I'm sure she only wants the best for you as any mother would. 

    See if you can apply for universal credit and/or PIP to help support yourself financially. Contact the citizens advice buro if you need more help with either of those things. 

    Can you contact your local council to see if they might be able to put you on a list for a council house? Sorry I don't have any experience with that system so I don't honestly know how it works. 

    Anyway, keep writing to us here if you can - there are so many clever and experienced people on this site who might be able to help a lot more than I can. 

  • Hello Elliot, sorry to hear you are in that situation.

    In your shoes I would start the following tasks:

    1 - prepare an escape bag. Work out what you would need if you had to run away and live on your own (basic clothing, essential toiletries, phone charger and mobile phone and all your essential info. Try to work out what would fit in a hold-all so that if you only had 2 mins to grab your stuff then it is all in one place or very easy to locate.

    2 - try to get some cash together and keep it somewhere safe (with your mum perhaps) so you have a reserve if you need it.

    3 - research all you can about the support services open to you such as the ones Peter and DeSpereaux mention. There may be more but go learn about them, where they are and how to get access to them.  If you are using a computer to research this, do it on a private browser window so there is no history of it for anyone to find.

    4 - if you can find a way out that works, plan your exit and take it when you can. Keep your mother informed but say nothing to your father other than a note to say "I've gone - don't come after me". Keep welfare services informed of the situation as well in case they can offer any more support.

    5 - don't do anything spiteful on your way out - you never know if you may need to go back one day.

    6 - If you have location services on your mobile phone, disable these when you leave or your father may come looking for you.

    This is not advice, just what I would do in your situation.

  • Ive been in this situation, ultimately, my road to recovery started when I moved out. I went to the Housing Local Authority said that I was homeless with immediate effect, I talked to them and they tried to push me out of the door, I asked if there was a local YMCA and asked to me referred, in the next few days I moved in.

    It wasn’t heaven I’ll say that, but it is better than being entombed in a hostile familial home, after two years you’ll be offered a supported-rented accommodation.

    I hope you consider this as an option, as scary as it sounds, because nothing is more toxic than familial abuse/neglect. There is nothing that you are describing that I haven’t strung out to its ultimate end. I have not used a bus for regular transport for years and I need to walk 3 miles to and from the town centre.

    It took me two attempts at contacting local-authorities to leave my familial home/s, the first time I was told “I had no options as a 21 year old” (which was a complete lie), when I was 24 I went back and was told that “I hadn’t got the same options as a 21 year old” (by the same housing officer I had spoken to years before), I told him of the YMCA and he begrudgingly referred me. 

    It’s been no picnic to start assembling some independence, it has been no picnic to nurture my family and forgive, I still haven’t completely forgiven. But with my diagnosis this year at 28 years old, I feel like I’m finding my way, I didn’t take the easy path ever. I have been awarded social resources this year, that have stopped me agonising as much, I feel like I’ve lost access to the depressive fathomlessness that I use to live everyday.. 

    We’re here for you if you need us..Nerd

  • This could potentially be seen as coercive or controlling behaviour. I’m not a big fan of this law because it’s quite vaguely worded but it was intended to protect people from being bullied into giving over control of their daily lives and allowing others to micromanage their behaviour because they are in a relationship with that person. Contrary to the average persons assumption that can be a family relationship not just a romantic one.

    it sounds like your father is trying to micromanage your behaviour even to a point of when you do and don’t make eye contact. The implicit threat is that if you do not comply you will be thrown out of the home.

    in that situation this could be seen as a soft form of domestic abuse and a woman’s refuge might be an option for you. Getting the police involved might be an option for you.

    www.citizensadvice.org.uk/.../