Published on 12, July, 2020
I think I only have one decision making process. I noticed years ago that there seems to be no difference in how I decide what to have for dinner and how I make a huge life changing decision like where to move house to for example. Which means I can be relatively fast on the big decisions, although I do my due diligence and take days or weeks to be sure, but really I have probably already made the decision. Or not if it is a dithery one, but I also feel that way over some food choices! If none of the options are good then it is so hard. But i didn't really want to discuss menu problems so much as the underlying issue.
I think this is one reason why we like routines and having the same food all the time - to save having to decide every time we eat! Not all of us, I'm sure there are other reasons, but I have heard it somewhere.
One reason might be that all decisions seem equally important to me. If it really doesn't matter then it is not worth spending too long over and maybe to most people most decisions are in that category. But I find that hard. Taking it to extremes I have to get very low importance to find an example of a not important decision, like playing wordle I always have my starting word but then if there were two equally good (or bad) options for the next word i don't dither too long as it totally doesn't matter.
But I have spent hours today deciding which yarn to use for my next crochet project. It is a reason I have not done much crochet in recent years, because this decision making process can be so taxing. This is the same reason I cannot tidy up the messy house which upsets my husband. Each thing requires a decision, or rather many! Do i keep or not? If I keep it where does it go? Is there room for it there? No, then what do it do with it?! Or if I don't keep it but it is not actual rubbish then how to dispose of it? (landfill is bad)
Why d I have to get everything right? What is the consequence of getting one of these decisions wrong? I end up eating a meal I don't feel in the mood for? Big deal! (Although that was worse with eating out if there was nothing I even like). But then the crochet - it does take me a long time so I don't really want to spend hours making something i then don't love and use or have to unpick. But the tidying - really the consequences are probably worse for failing to do it than they are for getting it wrong. I already can't find lots of things! So if I tidy up I am more likely to improve that than disimprove it.
This is too long and rambling and I think I have lost the point, if there was one. Maybe the point was partly that I think this is something at least some of you can relate to so i feel less alone and frustrated in world where it seems most people can just do this stuff without it twisting their brains into a painful pretzel! Or maybe it's just me... but surely not?
I think the consequences thing is relevant. I need to consider that. It might help make some decisions easier if they don't have bad consequences. But it doesn't help if they do actually matter...
Also, this is a segment I wrote when I was writing Good Omens fanfic to explore how I'm affected by autism. It felt like a good description of how I feel about decisions...
The coffee shop was noisy and busy. Aziraphale didn't mind that so much when he was well rested. Having to wait in a queue gave him more time to look at the boards and decide what he wanted.
It was the making decisions part that he found most stressful. He tended to frequent restaurants he knew well, so he could think about it before he went. That's why he enjoyed the sushi bar- the owner knew what he liked, and he didn't even have to ask anymore.
His eyes scanned the board. When did coffee stop being just coffee? And the different sizes were utterly perplexing. He stood frozen for a minute, as his train of thought came to a screeching halt and fell off completely off the tracks. He didn't even notice Crowley saying his name. The light touch on his shoulder startled him.
"Aziraphale? Still with me?"
"Oh, um…" Bother. His mind was still juggling options and didn't have enough leftover to form a reply.
"More cocoa? Vanilla latte? Cappuccino with extra froth?"
The words were just extra water being poured into an already overflowing bucket. Aziraphale's eyes got stuck on the way the light caught the edge of his sunglasses and stared blankly.
A small crease appeared in the centre of Crowley's brows and then vanished. He turned to the barista. "I'll take a large Americano with an extra shot, vanilla- no, caramel latte, small, small cappuccino, and a small hot chocolate with all the cream and extra trimmings. All to take away. Oh, and a macaroon." He looked back at Aziraphale and grinned.
Neither of them said anything as they waited, nor as they walked to the park, but Crowley seemed strangely pleased with himself, holding the cardboard tray of beverages balanced on his fingertips. They found their usual bench and sat down.
"Are we expecting company?" Aziraphale asked.
"Nah, I could just see the panic brewing behind your eyes, and decided the easiest way to deal with it was just to get a bit of everything so you could try them all and choose what you like best."
"Isn't that wasteful?"
Crowley made a sound that was mostly extended vowels. "Not that I'm bothered about that kind of thing, being evil and all, but if you need reassurance I could argue not, if it saves you distress and means you'll be able to make an easier decision next time I take you out."
That's very well written as well as accurately expressing the feelings! Although, not being an angel, I would be more upset over the waste, as takeaway coffee cups bother me, especially the lids... ;)
I do like some of the choice with coffee though, although the terminology can be confusing. I like a milky coffee, not too hot, no froth, but latte sometimes has too much froth (it shouldn't have much or it would be a cappuccino) but apparently flat white doesn't have as much milk... and I do not want more than one shot but some places automatically put two even in a small. At home I just have instant!
Thank you! I worked as a barista for a while, so I write what I know. ;) I also enjoy lattes, so that's what he ended up with in the story. And I'm sure he'd be able to miraculously recycle the lids.