Feeling like a failure

I've got to admit to having similar feelings at times, and especially after a run of difficulties compounding it all.  But then underneath that I'm also very attached to being me, leastways when I feel I'm safe enough to be genuinely myself.  

So I'm wondering about the various "conditions of worth" that are routinely placed upon us, via parental figures, educators, employers and yes, our culture as a whole, which often seems to judge people through a very narrow lens of economic productivity and fairly stereotypical ideas about "success".  We internalise all of this and then, I find, even collude with the subtle and not-so-subtle oppression which makes us feel "less than".  I do it myself on a regular basis.  Indeed, I think I've been programmed by all of the above influences to do that.

In order to find a place of calm and self acceptance, I regularly need to sit with this for a while, allowing all the external stuff to subside or using a cognitive therapy approach to target and dismantle some of it.  It has deep roots so it's something I come back to every so often.  I need reminding.

Once, while I was watching some YouTube videos by Emily and Amelia Nagoski on the subject of burnout one statement leapt out - "The game is rigged"!  Yes, it is!  And it's not my fault, it's not yours, and it's not that of our autistic community.  We're a minority, experiencing minority stress and we didn't create the game, although we're inevitably made aware of its relentless standards and the conventional path through life that goes with it. 

I"m not sure whether any of this rings true or feels helpful.  I'm all too familiar with the struggles, as you'll see from my other, often desperate posts.  But I just wanted to emphasise that this "failure" can masquerade as an individual one whereas in reality we have lots of strengths and skills that are either devalued by society or not allowed to flourish more visibly because we seem to be "off the beaten track".

In terms of living our lives, this is enormously difficult, we get tired and, when we're tired, the cultural standards that are all around us and even within us, come back to clobber us when we're least able to cope.  I may be getting too philosophical here but I like the quote from Nietzsche, ""When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago". And I think we get tired a LOT.  

I think and hope, especially in the light of other responses here, that you know how many strengths and positive qualities radiate out from you, whenever you speak in these forums and no doubt in your life generally.  It does feel very much as though more is asked from us just to get by, but the development of such qualities and character is, I believe, what life is really all about and the true measure of "success".

Can I push the boat out and add a little poem?  Again, it's another little touchstone to which I occasionally return to combat the programming.

Success, D H Lawrence

Success is a played out game, success, success!
Because what have you got when youve got it?

The young aren't vitally interested in it any more.
Only third rate swabs are pushing to get on,
nowadays.

Getting the better of other people!  Who cares?-
Getting the better of them!  Which better, what better, anyhow?

Our poor old daddies got on,
And then could never get off again.

If only we could make life a bit more just
so that we could all get along gaily
instead of getting on and not being able to get off again. 

Oh Jenny - what a reply! It is filled with wisdom, compassion and kindness! I am so moved by what you’ve written here - you’ve expressed it so brilliantly, so eloquently. You should write a book! (Maybe you have!). It definitely does all ‘ring true’ - thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experience.

I’m always astonished on here at the degree of self awareness people have about their place in this world as an autistic person, and the way we have to work so hard to navigate the world on a day to day basis. And also how imaginative autistic people have to be to find ways to cope. I’ve had MUCH a better advice and support on here than I’ve ever from the many books I’ve read about autism or anxiety, or from any Doctor or Education professional. 

You are so right about the impact of being tired. I feel I am always tired at the moment - from the moment I wake up I am tired. The Nietzsche quote is brilliant - thanks for including it - it’s exactly what my head is doing right now. I will check out the YouTube people you mention too. This is all so helpful Jenny! 
The poem is wonderful (I studied DH Lawrence at A level). It’s a great poem - and I agree with him. 

You refer to your other ‘desperate posts’ - I’m sorry you are sometimes feeling this way too. If it’s any comfort I think everyone’s posts on here - and perhaps especially the more desperate ones - are part of a wonderful support network that I think is genuinely quite extraordinary. The people in this community are doing something very special (in my humble opinion!) - they are helping to banish the loneliness and isolation that so often comes along with being autistic. That is no small achievement. When my youngest son was at school - struggling so much with isolation and loneliness - I could never understand why more people didn’t reach out to him and try to gently include him. He really wanted to connect with people but found it almost impossible to take steps toward that himself. 
On here there is no shortage of the most friendly, kind, supportive and comforting support - all through the day, everyday. It’s wonderful - and everyone in this community deserves credit for creating this wonderful environment that every autistic person can turn to - for help, for company, or just to have a chat. It’s so special. 

Thank you Jenny! I’ve found your words so moving and encouraging- you have really helped me. 

You are a very wise woman :) 

I need to return the thank you because, although I'm quite often just swinging by and don't comment, I definitely appreciate your posts.  And the contributions of the group often help to lift my spirits too.

Kate Kestrel said:

I’m always astonished on here at the degree of self awareness people have about their place in this world as an autistic person, and the way we have to work so hard to navigate the world on a day to day basis. And also how imaginative autistic people have to be to find ways to cope. I’ve had MUCH a better advice and support on here than I’ve ever from the many books I’ve read about autism or anxiety, or from any Doctor or Education professional. 

And yes, I am very often astonished too, having been badly led down by a whole host of "experts", especially those in mental health services who failed to recognise autism at all.  And their "unhelpful help" is my idea of a significant failure because so many of those turning to services are autistic people who've been bashed about by life and basically measured by non autistic standards then "helped" in their one-size-fits-all, non autistic ways of helping.  Their ideas of success, recovery or rehabilitation never helped me much because I would always still be left with the feeling that I was somehow defective and falling short of the various goals or outcomes discussed.  And life just didn't become any easier.  In other words, I still felt as though I was being assisted in my misguided efforts to fit in and become a successful neurotypical person when that was basically an impossible task for me!  As I might have mentioned before, the Hans Christian Anderson tale of the Ugly Duckling resonates strongly with me because I suspect that, in the right environment with the right support, we may very well turn out to be swans!

I think that, as an autistic community, we are our own best advocates because we come from a position of understanding and empathy.  And these qualities have often been honed by our difficulties.  We are a bit like the unfortunate oyster creating a pearl (from which it individually can't benefit) under the pressure of having to cope with a piece of grit thrown in by its watery environment, with the notable difference that we can and do benefit.  So I sort of come here fishing for pearls.  :)                   

I’d forgotten about The Brittas Empire! I feel so nostalgic about eighties tv programmes (I feel a YouTube binge might be on the horizon :) 

Yes, hubby and I used to watch The Brittas Empire and really laughed about "Helen's box".  Not sure if you've watched this but Helen, Gordon's long-suffering wife,  has a box stuffed with all the things that help her - drugs, alcohol. chocolate etc.  So we jokingly decided we each needed a box too.  Of course, some of my little delights can't really be contained in a box, but you get the picture.  And now, of course, they're calling some of it, like my gardening  "social prescribing", or more specifically "horticultural therapy".  But then, once someone else prescribes it, I fear it becomes something different that doesn't involve doing it on our own terms - very important to us autistics, i think!  

I really like the sound of your prescription! I think I’d like the same! 
Bedtime Brownies - sounds wonderful. I’m really starting to envy you for these ‘treats’ Jenny! 
I’ve just googled Sapphire Clinic but it’s blocked - I think it might be the parental controls on my Broadband package! Ironic! 

I think I need to write myself a prescription too. It’s a good way of looking at it - I think I’ll get my son and husband to write one for themselves too. I’ve spent so much time running away from bad stuff recently that I’ve not had the mental strength or energy to start making positive plans for the future. I need to move away from ‘fight or flight’ and get into re-building my life mode. 

I really like the sound of your prescription! I think I’d like the same! 
Bedtime Brownies - sounds wonderful. I’m really starting to envy you for these ‘treats’ Jenny! 
I’ve just googled Sapphire Clinic but it’s blocked - I think it might be the parental controls on my Broadband package! Ironic! 

I think I need to write myself a prescription too. It’s a good way of looking at it - I think I’ll get my son and husband to write one for themselves too. I’ve spent so much time running away from bad stuff recently that I’ve not had the mental strength or energy to start making positive plans for the future. I need to move away from ‘fight or flight’ and get into re-building my life mode. 

I’d forgotten about The Brittas Empire! I feel so nostalgic about eighties tv programmes (I feel a YouTube binge might be on the horizon :) 

Yes, hubby and I used to watch The Brittas Empire and really laughed about "Helen's box".  Not sure if you've watched this but Helen, Gordon's long-suffering wife,  has a box stuffed with all the things that help her - drugs, alcohol. chocolate etc.  So we jokingly decided we each needed a box too.  Of course, some of my little delights can't really be contained in a box, but you get the picture.  And now, of course, they're calling some of it, like my gardening  "social prescribing", or more specifically "horticultural therapy".  But then, once someone else prescribes it, I fear it becomes something different that doesn't involve doing it on our own terms - very important to us autistics, i think!