Feeling like a failure

I've just watched this ted talk and thought you'd like to see it (and other people would too).

It doesnt give practical advice but has very positive messages https://youtu.be/A1AUdaH-EPM

Thank you - I’ve just watched it - it’s excellent isn’t it?! It’s a brilliant approach and I agree with her. There are some environments I’m really suited to things like deserted Moorlands and mountains even when it’s wet and cold and windy - environments that many people would struggle with. I can happily manage without much food for ages, or modern luxuries like hot water or dishwashers or fancy clothes. What I struggle with are things like parties and busy shops! It’s just difference - it’s not necessarily ‘less’ or worse. 
Good heavens though that statistic about life expectancy she gave is horrendous. Just appalling. I can totally see why though - I feel worn out with stress and anxiety over decades, and I have a lot of difficulty accessing healthcare due to anxiety. So it sadly makes a lot of sense.

Thank you for sending this to me - I feel her message is ultimately very positive and important. 

Yes, it does get to the heart of the matter and a paradigm shift is what's needed. 

I think my husband would have also liked somewhere isolated, wet and windy for his work but, instead of becoming a lighthouse keeper or a weather station monitor or anything like that, he went into teaching, with disastrous consequences for his mental health.  So earlier information about neurodivergence and other possiblilities could have really helped.  

And these days we just avoid shopping centres and parties.  A cuppa in the back garden, a good book or a walk somewhere remote is much more appealing.

If you haven't already done Kieran Rose's course, I would also strongly recommend it.  Obviously we needed it decades ago, but better late than never.  So much better than some professionals assessing me for all my deficits!

theautisticadvocate.com/.../ 

Yes, I always felt like a two headed alien, and somehow as if my brain was melting so this sounds like a similar experience to your son's.  And I now know that I'm almost allergic to the corporate world. 

And I agree, maybe developing a few small streams of income online would be a good way out.  Like yourselves, I don't think we'd be looking for great riches, just an alternative that makes life more enjoyable for us and keeps us afloat. 

Go for it! I’m sure these paintings would be extremely expressive! 

I agree with your comments about work and the lack of autonomy. My son found being forced to be with people he felt alien to day after day after day really unbearable. And doing work that he didn’t actually care about and wasn’t excited by - almost impossible. To spend hours everyday on stuff that didn’t ultimately matter seemed pointless and depressing. 
I think your approach re a family business is a great idea. And working from home - also excellent for many autistic people. I was just looking at a website of someone who makes lovely clothes at home and sells them online - such a small concern but what a great thing to do. I buy all my clothes from small companies run by individuals now - I buy almost nothing from the high street or big online shops. 

Ah I do need to let go more but the artist in me actually wants to draw on some of the terrible experiences.  I often feel a Gerald Scarfe approach would be most suitable for this.  Plenty of angry splats around the forms and figures too.   :)

Oh no!  Biff and Chip!  We had to throw these to one side because our sons were reading full novels and magazines on, say, the Egyptians or the occult.  I once had to field a call from a concerned librarian about one of my sons taking out books on the occult and had to explain that we talked it all through together and he was just fascinated.

Kate Kestrel said:

Every job he has had he has ended up absolutely hating. 

Unfortunately ths sounds all too familiar.  The careers advice and guidance given at school and beyond are woefully inadequate and fails to take into account the full person.  I once got a full profile done, as part of a redundancy package from one of my accountancy jobs (guess why I was somehow at the top of the redundancy list again!) and the careers consultant wondered why I wanted it because I seemed to have a very good job.  But he completed it for me anyway and unfortunately the most suitable careeer for me came out as "accountant"!  I was aghast until he explained to me that the program tended to align with certain skills and aptitudes rather than interests and inclinations.  And I then wondered what the point had been.   I believe my employer paid quite a lot for this profiling too, so it just goes to show you have to be very careful on that score.

I now believe that, irrespective of the kind of work, some of our distress is about the lack of autonomy and that we're generally better off working for ourselves, again, on our own terms and engaging with the world when we feel able, not when someone insists that we do it right now.  So we're thinking more along the lines of family businesses or investments (once we get some money together!) and anything that involves working from home, which might now be easier after Covid.  

We definitely need our own community but recently we've started referring to our home as "the hermitage" and this reflects our needs.  Maybe we'll expand the hermitage and eventually offer a couple of holiday lets for like-minded individuals?  A kind of materialistic option that operates in a very non materialistic way, if that's possible.   

Have just had to Google hyperlexia - I had not heard of this word before. 

Sounds similar to my eldest. Hugely advanced at school (tried to explain this to his teachers but they didn’t get it - they were giving him ‘Biff and Chip’ books and he was reading full length novels at home. In the end I had to take in a book my son was reading about Horodotus to convince his teacher that he needed something more challenging. 
Like you he went on to get a great degree (he got a place at Oxford Uni) but improving into the workplace has been an entirely different matter. Every job he has had he has ended up absolutely hating. 
Completely naively I thought:  ‘he’s going to Oxford - he’s going to have a great life and an enjoyable career’  but it’s really not that simple. I just want him to enjoy his life - I don’t mind what job he does. So many jobs are  dull and unethical - it’s so find something that really ‘fits’ when you’re autistic. I’m hoping he’ll find something he can be happy doing in time. I worry about the financial side things too - mainly because life’s basics are so ridiculously expensive (rent especially). He’s not materialistic at all - so that’s not a problem. 

maybe autistic people should set up autistic communes?! 
perhaps we need to think outside the box? :) 

You are an artist - you’re just not a practicing artist at the moment :) 

I do feel fortunate to have spent all these years working as an artist - although since my illness last year I haven’t been able to work (due more to the mental health impact rather than the physical after effects). 
I’m hoping to return to it though - in time. 
It’s great that your a counsellor - that’s wonderful. 

Re. school - when we drove away from my youngest son’s last day at his Primary school we played ‘Strike Up the Band’ - we were so glad to leave that school behind! It had the most TERRIBLE misogynistic Headmaster who I swear got a kick out the power he had, and his ability to wind me up. Just horrible. 

anyway - all in the past. Let’s face it virtually everyone on here has a bucketload of awful stories to tell about school. I think it’s important to let it go if you can - because we can’t change the past. 

You are an artist - you’re just not a practicing artist at the moment :) 

I do feel fortunate to have spent all these years working as an artist - although since my illness last year I haven’t been able to work (due more to the mental health impact rather than the physical after effects). 
I’m hoping to return to it though - in time. 
It’s great that your a counsellor - that’s wonderful. 

Re. school - when we drove away from my youngest son’s last day at his Primary school we played ‘Strike Up the Band’ - we were so glad to leave that school behind! It had the most TERRIBLE misogynistic Headmaster who I swear got a kick out the power he had, and his ability to wind me up. Just horrible. 

anyway - all in the past. Let’s face it virtually everyone on here has a bucketload of awful stories to tell about school. I think it’s important to let it go if you can - because we can’t change the past. 

Go for it! I’m sure these paintings would be extremely expressive! 

Ah I do need to let go more but the artist in me actually wants to draw on some of the terrible experiences.  I often feel a Gerald Scarfe approach would be most suitable for this.  Plenty of angry splats around the forms and figures too.   :)