Urgent help needed please

Hi,

Thank you for your advice Justfour.

I heard of this before and my daughter has many of the traits. 

I have to go back to court in 4 weeks and in the meantime, my daughter will be appointed a guardian and her own solicitor.

What I need to do, is to get it across to the court and to her guardian that she has ASD and that this can and does explain her allegations.

To be honest, I think I'm going to have a hard enough time doing this without putting a comorbid condition into the mix that she isn't diagnosed with.

Her Dad is also now trying to rubbish the idea that she even has ASD!

Her school won't communicate with me and have apparently suggested her statement should be reduced!

Part of me wants to say 'well let him get on with it then!' he'll soon realise how tough lifis can be.

I'm also actually slightly scared of her now. I miss her terribly (she's refusing to have any contact with me now), but I'm also thinking 'what will she say next?'

What next time she fancies more attention from her school friends or doesn't get her own way here or the plot on Eastenders is sexual abuse?! 

Thank you for your advice, I'll certainly mention it to her guardian/court. Thank you too for taking the time to reply. It is hard especially as a single parent. You have to make sure you take time out for yourself if you can.

• obsessively resisting ordinary demands
• appearing sociable on the surface but lacking depth in their understanding (often recognised by parents early on)
• excessive mood swings, often switching suddenly
• comfortable (sometimes to an extreme extent) in role play and pretending
• language delay, seemingly as a result of passivity, but often with a good degree of 'catch-up'
• obsessive behaviour, often focused on people rather than things.

• When they are younger, children with PDA often engage in a level of pretend play that would be unexpected from children with autism or Asperger syndrome. People with PDA are very good at taking on the roles and styles of others. The classic example is children who behave as if they were the teachers to other children. One mother described how her daughter would cope with a class of 30 or more imaginary children, commenting on them and talking to them; "She'll say, 'Oh, Callum's not here today, he's sick; Jason, you're not listening', then she will arrange pieces of paper for the class and move them from one room to another as a line of children." In extreme cases, children can become so engrossed in this role playing that they lose touch with reality.

Hi, I know this is a bit late for the court date but just wanted to post. My daughter sounds very similar to yours tho she hasn't done anything like this. Just wanted to give you a possible heads up. Long story but I found out about PDA, or pathological demand avoidance about three months ago. It's part of the autism spectrum but not widely recognised. Part of the condition is mimicking, especially bad behaviour, taking on other peoples personalities etc. it's a coping strategy as these kids have no real self identity. Thought I would pass the info along as it could fit your daughter? They have a section about it here and also a more indepth site called www.pdacontact.org 

hope things haven't gone really badly for you, sounds like you've really done your best. A feeling I know all too well! I'm also told to die etc. I'm also a single mum and can't imagine how you use feel. Best wishes to you

Thank you Azalea and good luck with your novella! I think it would be brilliant if you wrote about an autistic girl at some point. I'm sure your insights will help people far more than wading through text books and such.

My daughter watched the film about Temple Grandin and that helped her a lot. Same with books, far easier to understand and the more 'modern stuff' that is published, means the less people will go on about 'Rainman' as if that is the reality of everyone's life on the spectrum. I've lost count of the times I've been asked if my daughter can 'count matchsticks.'

And yes, it can be tough to parent an Aspergirl sometimes, I think I'm in the worst of it right now, but difficult as she can be, she is also funny, intuitive, wonderfully eccentric and wacky! Personally, I think the world needs more people like that to brighten it up.

Azalea, I think you may have answered both of our questions there, perhaps without realising it.

I have always looked at my daughter with this adoration that you seem to wish for yourself.

We have friends around us who care about her very much and do the same, like myself, they love her for the funny and unique person she is.

To me, the answer is that her ASD means that she is unable to see this love and adoration in the same way a child not on the spectrum would.

I have tried for years for her to see this, and clearly, as my current situation shows, I have failed.

Personally speaking, I do not automatically put teenagers in the 'rebel' category. I have volunteered with a youth charity for many years and I do what I can to effect a change in this perception that some people have.

Teenage years are hard sometimes, more so for young people like yourself. It may not be much comfort for you now, but Azalea, you will find that as you go through your life, you will meet people, like your sister, who love you and appreciate you for who you are. 

Try and see the the love they have for you and be there for them as they will be for you. You may find that as you find it easier to see this, the need to do this with your imaginary friends, lessens.

I hope this has helped a little. Thank you again for your honesty and for sharing your experiences so openly. You write very well. May I suggest that you put this skill to good use? Why not take these imaginary friends and put them on paper? 

Your experiences can help others. And then, in the future when another parent is going through the same horrible situation as I am, or another teenager feeling the same way as you are now. They could both read your book or website and find some comfort and understanding in it.

Thank you again for your honesty. 

Thank you for your response.

I an neither understand not believe this is happening either.

It does and frequently. I found a helpline for parents facing false allegations, they receive up to 6 calls a night from parents in similar situations. They also told me that there has been a large increase in cases involving children on the autistic spectrum.

Cafcass got in touch today by letter, to say they didn't have my phone number (as my daughters Dad had 'forgotten' togive it to them. They said they would investigate this before the court hearing (tomorrow) which included interviewing me. I rang themstraightaway and requested an urgent call back.

I'm still waiting.

I can't afford to defend myself much past tomorrow. Her Dad can.

What saddens me the most is that I have always fought for support/diagnosis/understanding for her and if anything, on many 'extreme meltdown' times; it is probably me that needed protection! It's sickening really, I'm just crossing everything and hoping for a positive outcome.

quote " then got a court summons and a court order served on me preventing me from seeing her.

She has alleged that I have assaulted her badly and have been physically and emotionally abusive. Her Dad is trying to get full residency and a court order to change her school"

I can't understand this, YOU ARE THE CHILDS PRIMARY CARER AND MOTHER ? Surely the socialwork and police would have interviewed you first for a statement,  if you harmed your child, forgeting about autism for a minute, the system of law should be the same. Is this a civil(residency) or criminal matter(abuse) ?

If you have been prevented from seeing your own child which you are taking care off,, then someone in the establishment feels there is a case to answer.

Does your child need protected from you ? why ? This must be tearing you apart emotionally. Hope you get the right support in place.

Thank you for sharing your experiences Hope.

It is sad that there is not enough knowledge out there to see these inventions for what they are. As you described, a shout for attention. I'm still uncertain why my daughter would have needed to do this, I have devoted 12 years of my life to trying to supportsand understand her.

Even more sadly, her lies have meant that I am unable to do this anymore. I cannot afford to fight her Dad in court, so have essentially lost my daughter.

Thank you for being so honest about your experiences though. It helps me to realise she isn't the only one that does this. I'm just sad for you that you've experienced similar issues. It must have been very hard for you and your Dad.

When I was a teenager, I went around telling my classmates that I had had sex with my dad and my dog, and I made up this story in order to get attention - I was an attention seeker because I could not make friends!. My dad then received a phone call from one of the girls who had heard this story, asking whether it was true. My dad told her that of course it was not true, and because he was a teacher, he was extra worried about his reputation, and I was severely reprimanded back home. I made up the most outrageous stories, none of which were true, not understanding the possible implications that this behaviour could have had for myself and other people.

People with Aspergers can make up stories (fictitious lies) despite the stereotype that we cannot possibly make things up, however our  theory of mind difficulties prevent us from understanding what is inappropriate behaviour. Typically, our inventions are not motivated by malice, but by a desperate plea for attention.

Thank you for your response Longman. I couldn't agree more with what you have written, and her behaviours are exactly as you say.

I can reassure myself that she is at least safe with her Dad, even if she is not understood properly.

The problem I have though is to convince the court tomorrow that she has invented these horrid accusations.

The summons and court order appeared late last Tuesday afternoon. Court is 9am tomorrow, which has only given me 4 working days to prepare and find and fund legal representation.

I have found some advice and support from a group that helps parents with children with SEN in these situations. She has recommended that I contact Dr ********* at Sheffield Hallam. I have tried but he is (quiteunderstandably) a very busy man. [Name edited by NAS]

I'm just entirely baffled that this has happened and is allowed to happen. 

Thank you again for your time and considered response. It is very much appreciated.

Worth bearing in mind that some people in the spectrum cope well in school, but then let all the stress and pressure break out when they get home. Hence there is quite often a difference of experience between school observations and home life.

One of the potential outcomes is that after a "honeymoon" period the same reactions will start to emerge where she now lives. Or else behaviour at school may change.

The autistic spectrum either restricts the bandwidth for coping with stress, or increases the stressload through over-sensitivity. Hence there is a need for an outcome to that stress, which may not necessarily be spontaneous, and might happen hours later.

Also there is not the "get over it" option that neurotypicals have. Most people get over a distress and forget about it. People on the spectrum don't fully understand the causes of difficulties, and will continue to process incidents sometimes for weeks or months trying to understand what happened. This can lead to embedded grievances.

Anxiety tends towards spiralling anxiety or negative reinforcement. The process of trying to understand a difficult world, and the need to analyse, tends to fertilise the imagination to go over and over various permutations.

Consequently (any other psychosis such as in relation to a Coronation Street character notwithstanding) her perceptions may result from her overprocessing perceived grievances and fears.

If health workers concentrated on lifestyles rather than searching for "cures" there might be more help around for this kind of situation.

Thank you Azalea for taking the time to reply and being so open with your own personal experiences.

My daughter loves books too, factual or fiction, she will read anything and everything!

You have reassured me that it's not 'just her' that does this and that is very helpful indeed. 

If I find anything on the subject or anyone on here does, I will let you know. For now though, please try not to loose sleep. The good guys are always fine in the end.