I am sick of not understanding what I have done wrong

I grew up being shouted at. Only, no one knew I was autistic.

The worst problem is I remember too much. Many NTs have a short term memory when it comes to issues or problems. And pretty much every single unresolved issue haunts me. I'm 46 now, I'm not going to stop being hyper-aware or hyper-sensory and I'm not going to know how to respond immediately, which can make someone shouting at me even more angry. But when have I purposely set you off and intentionally done harm, and when are you simply out of control? When does shouting cross the line. Perhaps Everyone Involved can learn to take a step back. Write down their frustrations and thoughtfully problem-solve one issue at a time. 

But there are some things I wish I knew when I was younger to help other help us all get along a little better. Those who are responsible for us, are responsible for speaking in ways we can understand. 

Please help me prioritise. What is important. Health isn't replaceable and school has a time limit. Does your mum have additional things she needs from you? Can you pin a To Do (short) list on your door? Can she agree on a few particular things per week? If she needs help what initiative can you take and make your job.

Please help me with language. Passive aggression is not good for the soul. Also, my telepathy skills are wanting. I can't read your mind. Just be blunt / direct, it won't hurt my feelings, it will help!

Please help me with relationship. I wanted to invest in a few good friends but I didn't know how to choose them and also assert proper boundaries with people I felt uncomfortable around. I needed practical ideas for how to invest in a friend like 'always bring something' or: afford the other their own unique problem without having to have also experienced it, just nod and say I'm sorry you had to go through that. And If I experienced something similar, I can bring it up at a different date. Relationships can be different. A friend we're on common ground with and responsible with each other. A parent is responsible for a child (hopefully they become a mentor) - Help me understand my role. 

most people however yesterday i was referring to my mum

same!! last year, i genuinely had a friend who one day just stopped talking to me and i found out it was apparently because i got too much for her

i took your advice and asked today when she had calmed down and got a better reaction than usual.

yes, most people know i am autistic

Alisha, I'm a sixty year old Bloke, and I'm still getting that sort of guff! 

It's because (I believe, I may not be right) we miss the early cues that we should pick up on, and they soon discover that to get the desired result quickly screaming at us works. Also we tend to appear to be naturally unco-operative, often sometimes in my case when I am trying to be super co-operative. 

Here, where it's logical to expect a fair degree of acceptance, and maybe even a little help, when you actually read the threads, you can see how that works out a bit sub-optimal sometimes, even between us.  

If you would like to learn how to do the right things more often and avoid some of the more avoidable gaffes we can make, I recommend a book alll over this site, called games people play by eric berne, real cheap on ebay second hand, or frree from a library, when he explains an awful lot we Autists don't seem to have "pre-installed". 

Hope that helps. You will learn how to do the right thing, and your autism will very likely allow you to keep thinking and operating and finding solutions when many loose their minds, so it isn't all bad. But sucessful Autists are tolerant of the abuse from others, it seems to come with the gifts that they make the most of.

hi

Don't take it personally, it's happening to all of us because NTs are not tolerant enough, if it's outside their parameters of perception they lose it

I stopped asking everytime as well about what went wrong, I do it only with people I care now, at a right time like that

moon said:

catch them at a calm moment

Hi Alisha,

Is it any particular type of people that are shouting at you or just people in general? 

I find I never know when im annoying people up to the point where they ditch me as a friend, its very confusing and I never know what Ive done. 

Just know its not your fault, dont blame yourself 

Hi Alisha.

We all need a good rant sometimes (daily!?).

Asking whats wrong is vital for me... perhaps you need to pick the time & place to do so? If someone is yelling, they are probably not in the best frame of mind for discussion.

Perhaps wait until you catch them at a calm moment (perhaps with a beer in hand if age appropriate) and ask "about the XYZ incident the other day... how could I have handled it better"?

Do they know you're autistic?