Self Discovery?

Thanks everyone.

I wasn't going to write about this here, because it seemed too personal, but hey.. at least it's anonymous, right? 

I want to book an appointment to discuss options for assessment - but I am scared. Scared that they will brush me off. Scared I'm wrong. Scared I'm right.

My husband is getting frustrated with me. Says it's twisting me up, and my behavior is stressing him out. He is pushing me to stop reading / obsessing and just call the doctor already. I think he thinks I'm nuts and making this up. Says I've been acting weird since starting all of this research. I've been stimming a lot, and am having a hard time making eye contact.. but that is normal behaviour for me when I am working through something hard, especially something like this. 

I know that I mask a lot, even with my husband still. I'm scared of what he will think if or when I take the mask off.

Thanks everyone.

I wasn't going to write about this here, because it seemed too personal, but hey.. at least it's anonymous, right? 

I want to book an appointment to discuss options for assessment - but I am scared. Scared that they will brush me off. Scared I'm wrong. Scared I'm right.

My husband is getting frustrated with me. Says it's twisting me up, and my behavior is stressing him out. He is pushing me to stop reading / obsessing and just call the doctor already. I think he thinks I'm nuts and making this up. Says I've been acting weird since starting all of this research. I've been stimming a lot, and am having a hard time making eye contact.. but that is normal behaviour for me when I am working through something hard, especially something like this. 

I know that I mask a lot, even with my husband still. I'm scared of what he will think if or when I take the mask off.

I understand this, CanadianGirl. I went through this on some level for a little while. It sounds like you're experiencing anxiousness, which is totally understandable. A diagnosis (self-diagnosis or official) might not change who we are, but it changes our understanding of how things have been, how the future might pan out, and so on. To me, it feels like everything changed and nothing changed at the same time. Basically, I think my internal world, my hopes and dreams, changed hugely, but to the outside world I'm still the same.

What helped me is figuring out the basic trio of diagnostic criteria for autism and then creating a list of things I have discovered about myself and my past that would fit the criteria. Basically, I created a bullet point list, trying to organise them and categorise them to the criteria, roughly. This calmed me, helped me feel like I'm doing something productive with my concerns (gave my anxieties a sense of direction) and all the time I spent researching, which was 2-3 months before requesting an assessment.

Thanks to this list, I felt confident I was autistic regardless of what an official assessment would say. This step was important to me, because I've learned how important it is for autistic people (children and adults) to choose whether they're assessed officially or not. Some people feel an assessment would be beneficial, some do not. Each have their own reasons. I believe it's beneficial for me - one of the biggest reasons is that I'm using it to understand other health concerns of mine that might be connected and I have spent years trying to address but without success. It also opens up additional support in my current work.

The list I made also shows me how I'm unique - not just a generic label of autistic, but it shows me what my version of autism looks like. It is now helping me to accept myself better (this is definitely a work in progress - I made a post about this in this forum). I also want to use it as a basis of describing myself and my challenges to others when needed, and when I am not yet ready to tell someone I'm autistic. E.g. "I find group social situations hard to understand and keep up with sometimes, so I may either go completely quiet while I'm seeking to listen and understand better, or I may misjudge the dynamics, so please let me know if this is the case." (This is an example I just made up right now, I will probably need to do this for each unique situation, rather than use a generic message like this.)

I don't know if a list will help you - either way, maybe writing your thoughts down somehow would help you process what you're discovering and feeling. 

I still have a small level of masking with my partner, too - it's automatic. I also hide one or two stims as it's been a habit for so long and because I haven't yet accepted them myself yet. Each couple's relationship is unique so I couldn't guess what would be good words to help reassure you here. I hope that you can come back to remembering why you met your husband, fell in love... and if it's anything like my partner, it might be BECAUSE you're different. It sounds like he cares deeply for you and is noticing your stress, wanting to help in some way but probably doesn't know how.

Wishing you all the best on this journey.

yes stop reading obsessing ,,,,,,  get a list of reasons why u think u have autism and ring your GP. Then stop all research, reading about autism, leave your diagnosis to the professionals 

When I went to a private clinic they gave me bunch of questionnaires to fill out before I had the actual assessment and write them a paragraph on why I think I I'm autistic and then they will decide if they think you should have an assessment.

I remember that it was cost free when I sent the email explaining why I thought I was I don't remember about the questionnaires I think they were free too I might depend on the clinic