Hearing derogatory language in my head

Whenever I'm on a Zoom conference; I hear racist and insulting terms in my head; even though that's not my zeitgeist.

My heart races whenever I see minority groups. Whenever I was at Uni, I went out of my way to be friendly with minorities. It was a compulsive need to 'prove' myself.

The Roman Senate in my head wants me Assassinated.

  • I have this to a milder degree, but still annoying. We had a gay colleague, now, I didn't notice this, so one day we were handed out candy, pralines in the cafetaria at work. I had a pink shirt on, so we took our coffee in the lounge, and I smirked, look at as, mademoiselles, having our pralines like gay queens in a bistro... and then I learned that one colleague was gay... I never noticed this before, so it was rather embarassing.

    Horrible thing, twice after that I used a derogatory term around him, although I didn't want to, it just slipped out. Tourette? 

    I think autists lack this filter that blocks some thoughts in NT-people. It allows us to think way outside of the box, but it has this side-effect.

    You know there is a certain sensitivity around the topic of minority groups, and you have your morals rightly aligned, but it still bothers you, you're on edge, overly careful not to say anything, aware that you might make a mistake, and therefore stressed.

  • That sounds like a left hemisphere, right hemisphere interaction thing. I can never remember which side is supposed to be which, but I am convinced it happens; perhaps to most of us at some point in our lives. This notion might sound a bit too 'current' for comfort, but I reckon it actually could be quite a calming outlook. It might even begin to appear understandable, manageable or tolerable. (Much as I kind of enjoy a bit of classical head drama myself, I'm also very glad that the Romans have long been in decline ;-)