Published on 12, July, 2020
So, since diagnosis in December 18, not only do I now know why I don't quite fit into normal society, I'm also trying to be a bit less awkward to try to fit in a bit more, to mostly good effect. But the thing that I have noticed is that my awareness of the social cues etc that I just don't 'get' has been magnified so much. A couple of weeks ago my attention was drawn to my tendency to take what people say as what they mean and the fact that I have absolutely no clue if someone is saying something just to be polite or if they really mean something completely different to what they say. I found myself trying to analyse what people were saying a few times, to try to work out the social undertones of the social interaction, but a drew a blank, not surprisingly. That bothers me as not only must it make me appear a bit oblivious to others, it also makes me very vulnerable, that I can have whole conversations with people and yet have no clue what they are really saying to me. This morning on the school run I was doing my usual recent thing of making a point of saying "hello, how are you?" and smiling to people that I know (as opposed to completely ignoring them because my anxiety told me that they don't want to talk to me). To be fair, I do seem to be making progress with this and people do, in general appear to be responding better to me. But, I noticed during/after a brief conversation with another mum, I had no clue whether or not I was supposed to continue the conversation after the initial exchange of pleasantries, luckily on this occasion, the other mum kept turning back around which I figured probably meant that she wanted to chat, which we did for a bit, people aren't always this obvious, then I probably appear rude for not continuing conversations. Luckily it was only a short walk to the school door as I run out of things to talk about quickly when doing small talk, but it was a reasonable conversation. Then there's smiling, people do this when they're engaged in polite social chat, smiling that I have come to realise is warm and friendly, I can't do warm friendly smiles, I hate my smile at the best of times as I look like a frog when I smile and I hate my teeth, my smiles very rarely reach my eyes either, unless I'm laughing at something funny. Then there's the eye contact. not just any eye contact but socially appropriate eye contact. How do people even know how to do this? Even my 4 year old daughter does this naturally and I watch her sometimes, intrigued. It's not just making eye contact and then looking away at appropriately spaced intervals, it's about people communicating information through eye contact, information which I am unable to convey or understand. Then there's the end of the conversation, I'd got to the school door and while I was glad that I'd been polite and had a conversation I also really wanted to draw it to a close and escape as I was feeling awkward, so I made an excuse about needing to speak to the teacher, which I kind of did, and wished the other mum a good day. I'm sure though that I come across as abrupt when I do this, I suddenly end a conversation with no prior warning, I'm sure most people are able to start bringing a conversation to a close before it ends to let the other person know that that is what is about to happen, totally lost on me though. So yeah, a short social conversation that probably lasted no longer than 2 minutes, but a magnitude of social skills deficit in that short space of time, a social skills deficit which is becoming more and more excruciatingly obvious to me. I guess I also realised that as much as I study social skills, I can only really change the way that I behave in social situations, I can't change my lack of awareness about other people conveying social information to me through conversation undertones/eye contact/subtle variations in tone of voice/etc; I am still 'mind blind', the information conveyed by their 'normal' neurological circuitry is completely lost on me.
Yeah, I guess it’s never going to be as natural for us as it is for someone without ASD, no matter how hard we practice
Seriously though, it’s good for you that you don’t care what others think or say about you. I’m know I’m a freak too but I do care what people think or say about me so I’m trying to be a more socially acceptable freak!
I’d love it if the shops started selling ‘I’m a Freak and proud of it’ t-shirts though
https://youtu.be/jRGrNDV2mKc
I'M A FREAK AND PROUD OF IT.
don't care what other people think or say about me.
Hi Kitsun,
I've been seeing a clinical psychologist for a few weeks now - I got a referral for an NHS assessment but the letter said that would be at least 20 months away and that was too long.
I contacted NAS but they said the cost for a self-referral was £2-3k and I don't have that sort of money!!!
Working with the psychologist her focus is on 'functional utility' rather than simple diagnosis - which is OK with me as 'why' I'm like I am is less important than being given the tools to be a better version on me.
At the moment it's making things worse rather than better, I'm second-guessing myself more, spending time thinking about what we'll cover in the next session, going over what we discussed in previous sessions, talking to my family about stuff from my childhood and other family history...
To be honest, it's exhausting, my head feels like someone shaking a glass jar full of marbles - constant clatter & movement...
Throw in occasional stabs of high emotion when it 'hits home' that rather than just being a bit quirky/geeky there may be something actually 'wrong' with me... I'm relying heavily on exercise to even myself out.
Ugh. I'll be fine though, I always am.
This is interesting to me. I had selective mutism as a child and still do in certain situations. Before I knew about the ASD, at work everyone always told me how shy I was and that I simply had to start speaking up more and saying more in meetings. I took this as a personal challenge and did everything to practice getting better at speaking in public. I regularly chaired meetings or delivered speeches to hundreds of people. I was told all you need is practice. "Fake it to you make it". I think all I've achieved though is a better mask. I don't feel any more at ease or any more comfortable talking to people or socialising, but I come across as if I do (if only for a short period of time) so I do agree that practice makes you "fit it" a bit more, lots of practice, but I still have to consciously think through my body language, each word, each answer, their body language etc. It's just that I can do it quicker than I used to.
Interesting. If be fascinated to know their answers. I haven't put the effort in that you have with social skills so perhaps that's why but I don't find it natural at all. I know that you're supposed to ask questions back but I find it really uncomfortable and I don't tend to remember till afterwards that's what I was supposed to do.
Join the club. I spend far too much time thinking about things/sorting things through in my head. Which never really leads to anything productive. Though I do feel better when I can eventually get things in order in my head and understand things properly.
I’m realistic about what I can achieve. I can’t fix the bits of my brain that don’t work but I can be a bit more ‘socially acceptable’ and a bit less awkward and that is leading me to building better friendships and acquaintances.
I will have to ask one of them. You know now that I’m going to bump into them and be like: so I hope you don’t mind me asking but I was just wondering.....
To be fair, from my own experience, I think it does become natural. I guess once you learn the correct way to do anything then you keep doing it the correct way thereafter, or I do anyway. I’d apply that to anything be it social skills; solving algebra equations; learning a new style of beadwork (current issue for a couple of nights but have learned the correct way this evening ). I would now find it very hard not to reciprocate a question or to ask a question in response to a statement someone else made about something. Now I’ve learned that that’s what I should do, I’d find it very difficult to repress that response. We’re creatures of habit, and for me, using ‘correct’ social skills are becoming a habit.
That said, I don’t expect to be able to read other people as well as an NT can that would not be realistic.
If that works for you then brilliant. Just don't set yourself an expectation that will make you feel like you've failed.
Have you spoken to the people that were diagnosed young? Do they find socialising comes naturally to them or are they very good at masking? Did they struggle with socialising when they were young? I'm just intrigued as I always wonder how many social skills we can properly learn so it becomes natural rather than being an act.
It is and its one of the few things I'd agree with him on because he knows I analyse everything.... And he knows I drive myself mad! I am a cerial analyser...
If someone asks if I’m fine my answer usually depends on who it is. If it’s just an acquaintance or a friend that I don’t see too often or hadn’t known that long then I’m afraid I’d probably fib and say I was fine even if I wasn’t, as unfortunately I’ve learnt the hard way that people do not like me complaining to them for hours on end (I’m a reformed compulsive complainer!). If it was a close friend or family, especially someone who I know would tell me if they weren’t ok and tell me what was upsetting them, then I’d usually tell them the truth if I was upset or annoyed.
I like the term ‘analysis paralysis’. Is that because we’re so busy analysing everything that it paralyses us from being able to do anything productive?
Haha that's another question. I always think when somebody says how are you? Do you say yea I'm fine or tell the truth? I know what you mean about analysing yourself, my biggest problem is analysing others, I'm so bad at it my OH always says analysis paralysis, because he knows I analyse everything.... Drives you mad doesn't it.
Thank you bookworm. I also have to analyse and understand absolutely everything about myself and why I do things; how could I have done things better etc which is perhaps also a classic AS trait. There's a chapter in Daniel Wendler's book about how to know if groups are open or closed, that is open to outsiders joining or not and how to join in the conversation, I must get back to that book when my children allow me the time! If I'm aware that I am being a bit too long winded when talking to someone then I usually summarise the remainder of what I'm saying and then ask the other person a question to switch the conversation back to them and allow them a chance to talk. How's your day going?
Thank you :-) you know me and my mission to learn social skills! I do feel more able to be me since diagnosis but I also want to be sociable and make more friends, I've always wanted to be a sociable person with lots of friends, but I didn't know how to be that person, but now that I understand why and have my handbook on learning social skills, well I've just set my mind to becoming that sociable person with lots of friends that I always wanted to be. You know what, I know 2 or 3 people that were diagnosed with classic autism in early childhood, that now, as adults, are total social butterflies, they have loads of friends, they make friends really easily and they have really good social skills. All because they were diagnosed when they were young and received all the early intervention. I'm so envious of them, I won't try to hide it, they're so lucky that they had all of that early help. But I figure that now that I have found the resources to help myself, then I might as well go for it and make the best of a bad situation, better late than never!
We are however all different and we should all do what we are comfortable with doing.
It can be so difficult trying to explain to other people how ASD affects us can't it? I've tried explaining things to my husband before but he just goes "really?" or pulls a face like he thinks I'm a complete idiot. So I've given up trying to explain to him. I am finding it easier to accept myself for who I am but I also feel the need to learn social skills as learning them just makes it easier for me to get along with people and make friends.
I've always been aware that I've never been the best socially, but I think there's something about realising that I have Aspergers and researching it loads that has made me so much more aware of exactly how much social stuff I just don't get. Also, since diagnosis my awareness has been increasing. I don't really feel things that often, so I don't feel anything about my diagnosis but I'm aware of an awful lot of mental processing going on in my head relating to how my diagnosis changes my perception of myself; how Aspergers affects me and has affected me over the years. I have always had a need to know how my brain works and now I know that my brain works differently, I need to process that information and reconcile with it, that may take quite some time. I intend to continue striving to learn and improve myself though. Do you have your assessment appointment yet?
I know what you mean about talking to and approaching people. I find it difficult starting a conversation and often feel like I highjack others conversations for something to say. I also find if a subject has been talked about for a while I wonder if the other person is getting bored and how do I change the subject. You are not a freak though just like me a bit 'spectrum'. You also seem like a very nice spectrum person.
You did better than I would have done. I wouldn't have started talking to them at all unless I knew them really well.
You're not a freak (unless you like being a freak, in that case, go for it). You're just you.
I have accepted that I'm never going to fully understand/be aware of social information so I'm not going to put too much effort into it.
The way I see it, unless I'm majorly offending someone, I should just be me. I have many strengths. Social skills is not one of them. But I would rather people like me for me rather than a me that's taking social skills.
Thank you for sharing this Kitsun. I completely relate to this. I find it so awkward to do the small talk thing. And I never know how to leave a conversation either! When I've tried to explain to my partner why I find it so difficult, I couldn't find the words, its just really difficult and stressful. However your post here is a perfect explanation. I can't really offer any assistance though. Before I knew about the ASD it used to really bother me and I would get quite upset. But now I'm coming to terms with who I am and actually I'm not as bothered about it anymore. I can be me and that's ok :) it still stresses me out at the time if I have to do small talk but I don't obsess about it for hours afterwards like I used to.