Published on 12, July, 2020
please
hmmm....Its not only that but also the fact that you are expected to take them out.... for example a typical date is to a restaurant, then the movies then a bar - bearing many opportunities to show your discomforts along the way. For example in restaurants I worry about whether the food is cooked properly / hygiene / sitting too close to others who can hear what you are saying, I don't really like the movies because most movies I am bored with after 2 minutes or can't get into, I dislike going to a pub at night because of crowds and having to go to the bar standing there felling like an idiot wondering where to look while waiting to get served when others seem to just walk up and get served immediately, other people who try to talk to you sometimes, and drunk people and dirty toilets and loud or the wrong type of music. Then on top of this discomfort after the date if she doesn't get back in touch or doesn't reply to a text/phone call like a few days later then I inevitably feel like a fool and feel used.
When you think about it the whole online dating thing is silly- meet a complete stranger and try to impress them (usually while bearing all the costs if you are a man). I am 40 now so have been on dozens of first dates and obviously as someone with ASD and many quirks, most of them were disastrous (but also met a couple of nice girls). I think the problem with dating and having ASD is that from my experience in most cases there is a point during the date (usually from the moment I first try to speak) when the girl decides she is not interested but still agrees to continue with the date, I know this because of being told many times soon after the date that they thought I was really weird straight away - that annoys me, because if they already made their mind up so quickly then why not just tell me instead of letting me waste my time, effort and money. I'm not complaining about the money - it's the process and the deceit, judging by many girls response a few days after the date its pretty obvious they must have thought something like ...oh god hes a right weirdo but I might as well get a free dinner and drinks out of him. So after this happens a few times then obviously when I am sitting though another date I am wondering whats she is really thinking. Even one time I mentioned it..something like... "are you sure you want to be on this date or are you just using me to buy your dinner"... that went down well as you could imagine. Another time the girl offered to pay and I said ok, the look on her face as she tried to hide her disappointment, another time a girl ordered loads of expensive food and wine and I was sure she had already judged me as a weirdo, while I was trying to talk she was just replying with nods and grunts and was more interested in the menu and texting people, so I just went to the toilet and didn't come back ! Anyway my advice is that online dating is full of more challenges for those with an ASD especially if you are a man, despite all the sex equality stuff the women still expect the men to pay so when they tell you a few days laters you were a weirdo then you can't help but feel cheated and that for the whole of that evening you were being taken for a ride. I did meet someone in the end though and stayed with her for over 5 years but agree with you Centre Stage, its hard to know what they are thinking on the first date,
Paull said:for example a typical date is to a restaurant, then the movies then a bar - bearing many opportunities to show your discomforts along the way.
I do not think that it is the same for the autistic people.
I would prefer not to go to a restaurants, movies and bars.
Paull said:or example in restaurants I worry about whether the food is cooked properly / hygiene / sitting too close to others who can hear what you are saying
Sitting too close to others who can hear what I am saying would be a problem to me. I would feel very uncomfortable.
Also, people and noises would make very anxious.
I do not go to cinemas.
Bars would one of the worst places for me to visit. Drunk people, noises and crowds. Bars are the last places I would want to visit.
I do not think that dates must be expensive. Meet in a park and take some food or something with you. It can be even for free.
I would like to go to a park. Just sit down. I know I would be very anxious. Without other people too close but at the same time not too far. In silence. Maybe take with us something to eat. I like animals. I like parks.
Maybe the autistic should mention before the date that they are autistic. The people who are interested will still go to the first date, but those who are not - won't.
I think, I would say before that I am autistic. Would that be a good idea?
Not sure really, think if someone thinks of you as the person you actually are (well, something close anyway) when they hear you are autistic then it's worth saying it, for exactly the reason you say. But if they assume you will therefore not care about anyone else or anything around you and get into a complete and unpredictable mess if they don't wear a red jumper with yellow stars then maybe it's not such a good idea. A lack of awareness doesn't necessarily mean that someone wouldn't want to get to know you. I don't like that label too much, so would prefer to only say that I find certain things difficult and like others more than most people do. If mentioning any condition I'd probably call it Asperger's syndrome because that's something people have heard about (and still have a lot of ideas about it that do not apply to many who have such a diagnosis), but they get perhaps a more correct idea about the severity at least, compare to when calling it autism. Think it's fair enough not to know about DSM-5.