Hello

Hello my friends, I haven’t been on here for a while and this morning, even though I’m preparing to go on my much loved, new walking route, I felt I had to come on.

I don’t like all the changes. I have no idea if they’re good or bad, I just don’t like them, just because they’re different, or rather, I don’t like the fact that the site is different and it kind of freaked me out.

I felt all confused with the changes and came off feeling ? I don’t know? I don’t know how I was feeling, other than I had to come off the site. 

But then I got into a panic. I want to know how . is doing and if she’s had the big d yet but couldn’t remember how to spell her name ~ this temporary memory loss has become part of my life just now, but it still put me into a panic.

Anyway, I calmed down and found myself back on the site!!! why? I didn’t know. But then I saw an article that Eli posted about the mother who photographed her son in a dinosaur costume, and when I read that he had put his arm round his Mum, and told her she was still a good Mum, the floodgates opened and I found myself sobbing ~ this is what I needed, an opportunity to open the flood gates. I was obviously getting full up with emotions and they needed a release. 

I understand it all now. Since I haven’t been on here I’ve been working every week with my autism worker and I’ve been getting out walking more often. All this has left me exhausted, that’s why I haven’t been on here  for a while and just now, I realised what this feeling I’ve been having recently is all about. 

I’ve been working so hard to come to terms with the diagnosis and what it means etc. I’ve come to a place of acceptance and I’ve found great sources of joy in my life. A while back I said that I felt like I had all the pieces of the jigsaw and that I just needed help now, to put them together, and that’s been happening. It’s all very good, very positive and I’ve been happier than I’ve ever been in my life. The diagnosis has given me a much needed anchor in this life. But still, there was something. But I didn’t know what it was. Until now. 

It’s like no matter how great our life becomes , it’s still such hard work, just to get on a level, and I’m slowly and slightly reluctantly, coming to accept that no matter what, I’m always going to need more rest than the average person. It’s almost paradoxical. When I’m having regular contact with the outside world, it’s exhausting, but equally, when I’m not, it’s like I feel the contact even harder when I do have contact with the outside world, which exhausts me just as much, if not more! Lol! I can’t win! Or can I .

My support worker is slightly horrified that I’ve decided to learn ‘not’ to talk and to have as little contact with people as possible. This makes perfect sense to me and as great as she is and as understanding as she is, she still can’t see that my solution is the most perfect! She’s so glad that I’ve started to go to a local church. I think she’s terrified that I’ll never speak to anyone ever again. Maybe what I’m writing here doesn’t make too much sense, but basically, what I’ve realised is, as a community, we are different to nt’s; however, we are all also different from each other, even though we share a common invisible language and understanding. So I think what I’m trying to say, is that outside help is all well and good, up to a point, and the point is where we have to begin to truly live as us. Like the little boy in the t-Rex suit. And to do that, for me anyway, we (or I) really do have to withdraw from society, at least until I get my own little routine/lifestyle going. I’ve been working so hard these last few months, well since November last year really, and I’m definitely ready for a little rest. Working, as in, working on understand/accepting me and rebuilding my life around me. I haven’t been doing a j.o.b. in the traditional sense of the word. 

I burned myself today whilst making coffee, which brought to mind a friend of mine who died last year. This coffee incident made me realise, that my friend was undiagnosed autistic. I can see that now. We live our lives in our own little worlds and just because we don’t communicate etc in the same way as the majority ‘norm’ it doesn’t mean we are void of feelings etc, or void of the capacity for friendships ~ they just look different to what most peoples look like. 

Anyway, I think I’ve spoke for long enough. I really just wanted to make contact with you guys and find out how you’re all doing. I was going to scroll through the comments and see if I could see how you all are from your comments, but the new lay out put stop to that, and it’s probably just as well. I did spot that Tom has a new blog ~ this is great news  my support worker recently suggested that I do the same thing, and I will, just not yet.

I’m not going to name all your names, but if you’re around, please say hello and let me know how you are. I’ve missed you all but at the same time, you are all a constant source of friendship and support to me. I only have to think of you and I feel comforted.  And now I’m going to prepare for my walk . Love to you all