Published on 12, July, 2020
I drink too much. I have done for quite some time. I'm certain I'm not an alcoholic. I don't have an overwhelming desire to drink. I don't need to start the day with a drink, and I don't generally drink during the day. I don't drink every day, either. I function well, and manage to keep very fit. I eat well. But in the evenings (mainly over the weekend period), when I sit to watch a film, I'll have a drink. Then another. And so on it goes, until I go to bed drunk. As I did last night. And then I wake up in the morning - as I did this morning - and realise I've done damage in some way. Not just to my health, but to other people. I'll look at my previous day's internet history and realise there are comments I've made - on here, on social media - that are rude at best, downright offensive at worst. I keep upsetting people. I don't know why I do it. In vino veritas goes the old saying. Yet it isn't the truth I'm using. The drink turns me into this nasty, spiteful person I don't especially like - and I'm sure others don't, either. Having said that... this person is seductive. There's a big part of Mr Hyde that will always appeal to me.
I think it's all to do with years and years of keeping it all inside - never being confident enough to speak up, because generally when I did, I was shouted down and ridiculed. And suddenly, I found a way to loosen all of that up. I didn't start to drink in any way that you would call 'problematic' until I was in my 40s, and what kicked it off then was feeling trapped in an unhappy marriage and a job I hated. Drink became an escape as well as a form of relaxation. It also numbed the anxiety that is pretty much a default condition for me, and always has been. It was all very selfish. It shut me off from others and made me indifferent to the effect that my drinking was having on them. It has cost me a lot since then. I've lost a wife, a home, the trust of friends and relatives. It's isolated me more and more.
I've been to AA. I've been to therapy groups. I've tried meditation, spirituality, etc. I know the ins and outs of it. I've heard all the horror stories, and told a few myself. I'm away from everything now, really, that previously would have been a trigger to get drunk. But I still do it. Frankly, I can't ever imagine giving it up entirely. Because I enjoy it. I enjoy the feeling of all my cares and woes slipping away. I enjoy getting light-headed. It's pure selfishness. I admit it. It'll probably get me in the end, in one way or another. I know that. The only times I've ever attempted to end my life are when I've been drunk. It facilitates so many things, and most of them aren't good.
I'm not posting this for advice, really. I know what I ought to do. But maybe others have similar experiences with some form of drug. And maybe discussing these issues openly can help in some way.
As for things to say to you I have nothing. Nothing apparently could have stopped my old friend from drinking herself to death. She certainly was not interested in advice. My Dad drank and I met a teaching colleague who was just like him. It made me less inined to take his vino veritas comments less personally as I could see it was the drink rather than 'him.'
But you have one thing my old friend didn't have, who was like a soap offer character and just as tragic: you have a lot more understanding of where this could all be coming from. Maybe you can therefore find a way to reign in the drinking a little more.
Thanks, nexus. Yes... I was always told, in AA meetings, therapy groups, by counsellors and therapists, that I have a lot of insight and understanding. I know the arguments and risks. It ought to be enough to stop me. Whenever I wake up with a hangover now, I say 'That's it. Never again.' Until I feel better again. I think I'm at a critical point right now. I'll try to do the right thing. I posted this thread partly for others to share their experiences and understanding. I find it helpful to hear these stories. Hopefully, it can help others, too. I honestly think open discussion is one of the best forms of therapy.
On the other hand emotions don't necessarily respond well to any amount of intelligent insghts. I don't use alcohol but my anger about things that have happened to me from the past concerning scapegoating and ostracism is still there. I do make sure to walk away from anyone these days who show no respect, or who cannot seem not to want to indulge in toxic mind games such as deliberately pushing buttons for the drama of it all. And I can probably chalk up another failure on the office politics front with that school where I had a little part-time work though as the commute was so exhausting and the chalk hurting my inflamed windpipes, I feel relief more than anything when I was told my contract would not be renewed. Issues with looming Brexshit and employment laws may have had something to do with too of course.
This is true. I have a huge amount of anger over many things - not least the people who've wronged me in the past. I haven't seen or spoken to my narcissist sister-in-law for over a year - since mum's funeral. I needed to walk away from there. She's done so much damage, and not just to me. My brother, though, is stuck in the middle. He's been Stockholmed by her, but I think his mind is pulled all sorts of ways. I think, underneath it all, he carries a big burden of divided loyalties. Last week was his birthday and I sent him a card - as he sent one to me on my birthday in May. I didn't get a gift this year, though, and didn't expect one. Next week is her birthday. I've been juggling for ages in my head as to whether to get her a card, too. I shouldn't, really. No contact is no contact. But if I don't, it'll hurt him more than anything else. So I'll send one - just plain, with 'to' and 'from'. Maybe not a good idea. But whatever I do, I'll be wrong!
Yes, intellectualising and analysing the logic of a given situation is one thing but an emotional gulf or essential need not being met and sticky plastered is another.