Published on 12, July, 2020
For me, loneliness varies widely.
I can be totally alone at home all day. Not speaking to anyone. Yet not feel lonely.
At other times I'm surrounded by people, all communicating, but I feel completely alone and very very lonely.
School was a loneliness nightmare. Children all around me. But I was totally alone year after year
Yesterday I felt almost ok. Heard a sad song on the radio and suddenly the loneliness hit me.
I feel very lonely right now. We have family over so there are 11 people in the house instead of the normal 5, it's loud and smelly, some one is wearing a very strong perfume or aftershave. Very soon food will arrive, they are having Indian and some of them will have meat in their meal. I want to die.
I feel the same at family gatherings and used to take a book with me, my Auntie could never understand why, I also felt upset and cried at parties too, even at weddings. I used to try and find some nice quiet space. I loved going out into the garden on a fine day and just sitting by myself. Now I know why and need not feel so ashamed and so do my family, now I have a diagnosis and can notice that some of the little ones have these traits and can come and sit quietly with me. I take my knitting and crochet along.
That's alright just celebrated my 52nd birthday with a friend who's in his eighties, listening whilst I knitted and crocheted alternatively. I am going to an Autistic Support group for the first time on Monday and am a bit apprehensive.
My knitting goes everywhere I go, glad it's not just me. Counting counting all the time.
Sorry for my mini rant.