Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi guys,
I don't have autism, but I strongly suspect my boyfriend does so I am here asking for some advice. He also thinks he might have autism.
A) getting a diagnosis
Although he strongly suspects he has autism, but is reluctant to go through the effort of getting diagnosed as he doesn't see the benefit. I recently got diagnosed with dyspraxia, and found it made me feel relieved and better about myself to have a diagnosis, and better able to handle it. He doesn't understand these reasons. Would someone please give me an argument that might persuade him to get diagnosed?
He could get it done through his work place but he is worried about the potential impact on his career.
B) Communicating Needs
I have gone through a difficult time lately, and he can be what appears to be thoughtless or mean. I ask him to put himself in my shoes, and see how he would feel if I said those things to him. He told me he doesn't understand, he can't do that. I feel very hurt at times, even though I don't think he can help it, and it causes problems. Does anyone have any communication tips for me, for me to tell him that I need him to do certain things for me because I don't feel well without making him feel like I am a nuisance or that I am blaming him?
Getting a diagnosis of autism is a very personal thing which can be life changing as well as pretty traumatic. It can be an extremely positive thing but it is also often accompanied by a lot of loss and grief, so it has to be a personal choice.
It is not a good thing to try to persuade somebody to get a diagnosis. Nobody, other than the actual person, can say whether they think it will be a good thing for them or not. If he was asking for reasons why other people decided to go for a diagnosis and what their experiences were etc, that's a different matter but it doesn't sound (from what you have written) that he is asking that.
As for communication tips. It sounds like you want some tips on how to control his behaviour to make him behave in ways that meet your needs. Maybe a taser gun? Every time he doesn't behave how you want him to you can give him an electric shock and eventually he may behave how you want him to without the gun.
If you're upset about something, then it would be more helpful for you to deal with that. Face it, do some inner work around it or whatever you need to do but don't expect someone else to make it go away by giving that responsibility to them. Even if your boyfriend did do these things that you want him to do, so that you could feel better, it would only be temporary and what if he's not around the next time you get upset, how will you stop being upset then?
You can't control everybody into doing what you want and I'm sure your boyfriend can't be with you all the time.
The NHS provide free counselling services which are often very good. It might be worth your while contacting them and they'll be able to give you some support around how to manage your emotions etc. When you take your focus off your boyfriend, and put it back with yourself, you can find ways to learn to deal with these situations more effectively and I'm sure your relationship and communication with your boyfriend will improve dramatically. And if he sees you taking responsibility for yourself and taking such good care of yourself, he might be so impressed that he decides to start looking into the possibility of getting a diagnosis. And when he does, you can direct him here where he'll get lots of support and he will be luckier than most of us, because he'll have your loving support as well which is priceless. Many of us dream we had a loving partner to support us with our 'autism'. He's a lucky guy as I'm sure you are too to have him in your life. It's not always easy being an aspie or being in a relationship with one but he's fortunate that he has such an understanding and accepting partner in his life. Best of luck.
The NHS provide free counselling services which are often very good.
Come now BlueRay, working in the NHS as you do...you must know this advice (above) is misleading. The NHS do not offer free counselling, the best they offer is group or short term CBT via IAPT, and this is only through referral by a GP for an existing and 'diagnosed' mental illness, such as anxiety or depression for example. And IAPT services are certainly not (sadly) available for people to use to routinely discuss or seek advice regarding their relationship difficulties.
Hi AngelDust
I didn’t realise the IAPT (Improving Access to Psychological Therapies) Services were so sketchy across the country.
They provide an excellent service where I currently live and also in other areas of the country where I’ve worked and lived. The IAPT services that I’m familiar with are self referring services or people can be referred by their gp or any other support worker. They provide a counselling service as well as CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) and other therapies. The IAPT service was established by the government in 2005, so it maybe that it hasn’t reached all areas yet or maybe some areas don’t offer a full range of services. However, the OP (original poster) could contact her local gp surgery and they’ll be able to sign post her to local services. There will be some kind of counselling support service available as local authorities have a big drive now to offer preventative services so it would be unusual for her to not be offered some kind of support.
It doesn’t sound like the OP uses local services routinely and certainly if she doesn’t address her need for support regarding getting her emotional/psychological needs met, it will lead to depression and anxiety. I have used this service myself towards the end of my last relationship when I was in a similar situation to the OP so I have no reason to believe she won’t be offered similar support. I have certainly never come across an IAPT service that required users to have a diagnosis of a mental health condition. They are more about the prevention of mental health conditions.
That’s interesting to note, however, that IAPT service are not the same across the country. I never considered that, thank you. They have always provided an excellent service wherever I’ve lived in the U.K, however, I’ll bare that in mind from now on. Thank you.
AngelDust oooops, only just seen this.
No, metaphysical principles don’t clash with any other therapeutic approach or any religious beliefs etc. In fact, metaphysical principles will strengthen a person’s religious beliefs or any therapeutic approach which works for them. So no, I don’t ever find any clashes with my work. Metaphysical principles are what underlies all other principles.
Also, to answer your other question ~ what book or resources would be a good starting point for somebody to learn more? This is a great question and I’m glad you’ve asked because it has got me thinking.
It’s not easy for me to answer because I never learned this stuff, it’s how I’ve always thought so when I pick up a metaphysical book, I understand it straight away but I know that’s not always the case for most other people. Also, it’s more of an action, a knowing by experience, so I would maybe first of all point to the work of Byron Katie. She has a four question approach called ‘the work’ that I use a lot on myself, clients, family, friends and anybody and everybody really. She has some great books, including ‘Loving what is’ including tons of excellent YouTube clips demonstrating her work. You can also download the worksheets from her website for free and she even has a phone service she offers to people who want to do the work with someone experienced in it.
And I don’t know what other books to recommend but maybe ‘The Basic Principles of the Science of Mind’ by Dr Frederick Bailes, might be a good place to start.
If you have any other questions, I’m always happy to answer and I’m really glad you asked the above question as it has put me on a mission to seek out some books/resources that might be good for somebody just getting interested in this stuff.
No, I wasn’t a counsellor. When I work in mental health services, I assess patients newly referred to the service and decide whether we accept them into the service and if we do, which pathway they will go down ~ either psychosis or non psychosis. When a patient is assigned to me I will carry out whatever tests I think are necessary to determine what their ‘condition’ is. Once I’ve finished, I will discuss the results with the psychiatrist. He/she will make a final decision on the diagnosis then the three of us will discuss a treatment plan. This could involve cbt or lots of other therapeutic approaches and I will either carry these out myself or in conjunction with a psychotherapist or I might get a support worker involved. It depends on the client and their needs.
Have you heard of Louise Hay? She might be a good introduction into metaphysics but I’ll also have a think about what might be a good starter book and I’ll get back to you.