Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi guys,
I don't have autism, but I strongly suspect my boyfriend does so I am here asking for some advice. He also thinks he might have autism.
A) getting a diagnosis
Although he strongly suspects he has autism, but is reluctant to go through the effort of getting diagnosed as he doesn't see the benefit. I recently got diagnosed with dyspraxia, and found it made me feel relieved and better about myself to have a diagnosis, and better able to handle it. He doesn't understand these reasons. Would someone please give me an argument that might persuade him to get diagnosed?
He could get it done through his work place but he is worried about the potential impact on his career.
B) Communicating Needs
I have gone through a difficult time lately, and he can be what appears to be thoughtless or mean. I ask him to put himself in my shoes, and see how he would feel if I said those things to him. He told me he doesn't understand, he can't do that. I feel very hurt at times, even though I don't think he can help it, and it causes problems. Does anyone have any communication tips for me, for me to tell him that I need him to do certain things for me because I don't feel well without making him feel like I am a nuisance or that I am blaming him?
Thanks for all the feedback,
I thought I would clarify a few things
I love him exactly the way he is, he is one of the best people I know and I really just want what is best for him.
I thought a few people misunderstood the second part, and I understand the concerns about diagnosis, so I thought I would clarify.
A) I know from personal experience diagnosis is a decision that is up to the individual.
I know that if he doesn't think it will have benefits he won't go, but his reasons seem to be based on stigma rather than genuinely thinking he doesn't need support.He seems to think that if he gets a diagnosis it's a sign of weakness, and if people ever found out it would impact his career.
I haven't pushed him on it, but the only reason I was thinking about asking him to do it is because he is struggling right now and I think it would help. But I accept it is his decision as the end of the day.
B) I'm sorry that I wasn't clear, but those communication tips are for me, not for him. Sometimes, he can't understand the way I'm feeling, and I have difficulty expressing it.
If he understands he is wonderful. He is really good when he realises something is wrong, but I am not always the best at explaining what is wrong. The problem is with me, not with him.
When he is thoughtless, it is normally because I haven't communicated how I am feeling properly.
Basically I am asking for advice about how to best communicate when I am upset about something, but without making him feel like he completely responsible for me or that I am blaming him for how he has reacted in the past.
Hi NAS36906,
There quite a bit of information on our website which might help. Of course you may already have found it, but in case you haven't the following links might be of use:
This page has information for partners of autistic adults: http://www.autism.org.uk/about/family-life/partners.aspx
And this page has lots of information about diagnosis including some of the benefits: http://www.autism.org.uk/about/diagnosis/adults.aspx
There are also quite a few links on these pages which will take you to other sections of the website which might also be useful.
I hope that helps.
Regards,
Kerri-Mod