.

The human is being removed from human connection... is connection no longer needed, feared, learnt not to exist... there is a crisis looming and we all need to connect.

i was in a long meeting today, I felt tired and teary. I wanted to connect but couldn’t, the conversation was a learnt nt script...I suddenly craved that humanity....but it was not there

Dear Ellie,I have so felt that need,meetings that are prestructured,everyone desperate to play thier part,leader,duty carrier,recorder of facts or discussion,everything done by preset conditions and belief it is correct, no room for humanity or reason. 

I actually dress up just to try and fit in, I need props to change me enough, so much is my struggle to give it validity. Argh,,,,,

I have on occasion added humanity into such a meeting, it is met with stunned silence, looks of “what the?”.

 A sudden thought they see, but hesitation to accept it often just dismissed and then over ridden by Well it must be this way or that.the rules say so.

 A breath a sigh and just sit back and think why oh why?

I may look out the window and see trees or birds,just to block out the tedium of this sad construct they strive to give validity to.

There is so much more to life. As BlueRay said,the teacher could only see fault in the child,the answer she looked for would not have been sufficient to her, at best it would be a valid excuse to berate or demean. there shouldn’t be a need to validate an excuse, Life is life, the fact he turned up and hugged the teacher was proof he wanted to be there, she should have hugged him and led him into the others and made him feel welcomed.

I So feared school I would always be late in the hope I wouldn’t have to go. 

I didn’t learn as mum had to push me anyway or be punished by society for being a bad parent.

So off I go.slowly walking toward a guaranteed response of negative from a teacher.

As I got nearer and couldn’t hear the kids outside I knew the pain would be worse, should I go and face it or run away and hide. Often I would truant. 

Eventually I blanked it all out,became deaf to it, just stood there and waited for it to stop. I learnt to tell myself,no matter how loud or how horrible they were,tomorrow was another day, leave the pain behind, they didn’t own me, I was a free mind,not a free body as Society demanded I attend, 

I carried my belief with me through life. Any anxiety was treated with” well give me the worst!have you quite finished?ok now let’s move on”

it is how I cope now, 

I intended writing about my anxiety and how although I control it,make it less, it never leaves me, I think I am in control,but my heart pounds, I feel sick, I keep smiling, but deep inside everything is on high alert, fully ready to flee, I cope but it doesn’t mean I am not exhausted by it or that it doesn’t effect me inside, 

if I am late or about to sit a test for training, I just think how bad it can be,then think back to another occasion that was the same, Ibthen remember a day or a week after, all gone, I was still alive, still functioning, it really meant nothing, I dismissed it as something they must do, but they do not own me.

being a digger driver, nervousness at each new hire,new place,new customer,new challenges, I just took a breath,focused on my ability to if needed just walk away,I actually  said to one client, treat me as a human being or I go, He then said you can’t! You are on hire!,,,,,sorry mate I am a human being with freedom to choose. I am not your Slave or your property.

He looked stunned, he then apologised and spoke differently, he got his job done but talked to his men as if he owned them,

It must be terrible for you, giving your wisdom and care to children hungry for knowledge, being loved for your reality and honest being by the young uncorrupt minds. To then have to face adults with fixed thoughts and lost understanding of life and what it is all about. Just achievements,aspiration of a good normal lifestyle.

A child if allowed will give love and effection without being taught how to. However Society has determined it should be left behind to set unrealistic demands, fuelled by a need to fit, to fit a life governed by those that seek to profit.

They are all controlled,manipulated.led to believe whatever creates commercial success. Money,greed, 

well,,,,,,Adrenalin kicked in there, an agitated mind after today, it will not relax,,,, still adjusting, my mind obviousely thought it had coped,,,,,but now to deal with it.... think it through, I reason why it happened, ok,,,Well,it happened,,,,I understood why,,,,,I accept it will happen again.... tomorrow is another day,,,, leave it behind as best I can, now I need quality time,,,,nature,quite time, peace.,,,,,uh oh,no time work beckons,,,,,ah well at least I can come here and understand it and know I am not alone.

thank you Ellie, you  BlueRay and many others allow me to believe I am not crazy. I am right but in a mixed up self destroying society of blinkered beings.

off to find that cabin in the woods that we all strive for,   See you there fellow beings, race  you!

Ready steady ,,,,,GO!,,,,,   ,,,,,,,,,

First there puts the kettle on.......

x()x()x()x!

r-6.

v-83.

s-16.

16-01-2018.

00:50.

Kettles on :-) 

Thank you Lonewarrior. I could have written that. Thank god we have each other. 

Kettles on :-) 

Thank you Lonewarrior. I could have written that. Thank god we have each other.